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Not so good... But could be worse [vent ramble]
9 months ago
★ Ever since I've turned 29 months ago I've been having this growing feeling of anxiety and hopelessness, that I might never actually make friends with anyone, much less find a partner, that nobody actually likes me and I'm only exist to serve people around for little to nothing in return. More and more I've been contemplating suicide after I reach 30 cuz I feel like, maybe life doesn't get better than that, being nothing but a tool to serve other people and their friends, I don't get to have boundaries or ask for anything in return.
But also I gotta recognize that I'm still emotionaly fucked with past experience of breaking up withsome of my old friends and some people that have been reaching out to me in the last couple years, it's been hard to get over, specially since for 4 years my life has been held hostage by an apartment that is that is almost 3 years late, making it 5 years of wait, severely limiting anything that I want to pursuit because where I'm living right I barely have space for anything and was constantly advised into not doing anything because "the apartment is almost done, then you'll have the space to buy your stuff". The first 2 years were okay, cuz I was seeing the apartment in the works being raised and stuff, but then construction stopped at like 95% because the guy responsible was a scumbag and financial problems caught up to him, so a lot of things got in the way and it slowed to a crawl, everyone who bought it got fucked, so for 2 years things around it were developing very very slowly. Only now around the half of 2024 is that things got resolved and the apartment is completed, now we just half to wait a little longer so the bank allow us to pay to get the keys and finally be able to move in, most likely will only happen early next year. But for 5 years in a roll my life is nothing but draw, exercise around the same neighbourhoods, sleep, I can barely buy anything because where I'm living I have no space to put things, been really considering moving out on my own... I just want to live a little, have something to work for, cuz right now I've been working for years to not being able to pursuit anything, a better desk for my pc, a tv, a car or motorcycle.
I'm trying to change this mindset I've been stuck for a couple years at this point, that nobody likes me and I'm just a tool for everyone. Recently I've actually started to change is believing that maybe the people came to support me on SubscribeStar or Patreon, actually enjoys the things that I make, that they are enjoying the little show I'm trying to put on, a bunch of people subbed to me recently after my last teaser post. The only thing I feel a bit bad about it was the timing cuz people came around the time I was wrapping things up to take a 2 months vacation from December to January, I'll still be around posting a couple drawings there during this time, but I wouldn't be working on my big projects like a big animation, comic or gamedev and drawings are few and far between... But the point I'm trying to make is that I'm happy to see that people actually likes the things that I make on my own, before I felt that most people were there just for the rewards at best or at worse, thinking that by giving me money they can pressure me into making something else that only caters to them specifically.
For all the people that came to support the little show I'm trying to put, my drawings, comics, animations and stuff, thank you so so much and you're one of the main reasons I like to keep pushing into improving and learning new things such as gamedev and soon I want to learn 3D model. The main reason I like to do it it's because I actually really enjoy doing art, it's not something I only do it for money, it's one of my main hobbies, if at some point it's not financialy viable to work as an artist full time, I still want to keep doing art as a hobbie and a way to build connections with other people and specially other artists, through collabs or trades. But you reading that supports me, just financialy, but with favs, likes, share, comments etc., I want you to keep that in mind, y'all are also the main reason I like drawing, it has nothing to do with the numbers, the engagement and all this things that I see most artists constantly yapping about on social media, I'm just happy to see that you like my shit.
Anyway... Looking up for 2025, when I finally move to the apartment I feel like life will begin making sense again since I'll have a nice space to pursuit things and stable roof for my next move.
But also I gotta recognize that I'm still emotionaly fucked with past experience of breaking up withsome of my old friends and some people that have been reaching out to me in the last couple years, it's been hard to get over, specially since for 4 years my life has been held hostage by an apartment that is that is almost 3 years late, making it 5 years of wait, severely limiting anything that I want to pursuit because where I'm living right I barely have space for anything and was constantly advised into not doing anything because "the apartment is almost done, then you'll have the space to buy your stuff". The first 2 years were okay, cuz I was seeing the apartment in the works being raised and stuff, but then construction stopped at like 95% because the guy responsible was a scumbag and financial problems caught up to him, so a lot of things got in the way and it slowed to a crawl, everyone who bought it got fucked, so for 2 years things around it were developing very very slowly. Only now around the half of 2024 is that things got resolved and the apartment is completed, now we just half to wait a little longer so the bank allow us to pay to get the keys and finally be able to move in, most likely will only happen early next year. But for 5 years in a roll my life is nothing but draw, exercise around the same neighbourhoods, sleep, I can barely buy anything because where I'm living I have no space to put things, been really considering moving out on my own... I just want to live a little, have something to work for, cuz right now I've been working for years to not being able to pursuit anything, a better desk for my pc, a tv, a car or motorcycle.
I'm trying to change this mindset I've been stuck for a couple years at this point, that nobody likes me and I'm just a tool for everyone. Recently I've actually started to change is believing that maybe the people came to support me on SubscribeStar or Patreon, actually enjoys the things that I make, that they are enjoying the little show I'm trying to put on, a bunch of people subbed to me recently after my last teaser post. The only thing I feel a bit bad about it was the timing cuz people came around the time I was wrapping things up to take a 2 months vacation from December to January, I'll still be around posting a couple drawings there during this time, but I wouldn't be working on my big projects like a big animation, comic or gamedev and drawings are few and far between... But the point I'm trying to make is that I'm happy to see that people actually likes the things that I make on my own, before I felt that most people were there just for the rewards at best or at worse, thinking that by giving me money they can pressure me into making something else that only caters to them specifically.
For all the people that came to support the little show I'm trying to put, my drawings, comics, animations and stuff, thank you so so much and you're one of the main reasons I like to keep pushing into improving and learning new things such as gamedev and soon I want to learn 3D model. The main reason I like to do it it's because I actually really enjoy doing art, it's not something I only do it for money, it's one of my main hobbies, if at some point it's not financialy viable to work as an artist full time, I still want to keep doing art as a hobbie and a way to build connections with other people and specially other artists, through collabs or trades. But you reading that supports me, just financialy, but with favs, likes, share, comments etc., I want you to keep that in mind, y'all are also the main reason I like drawing, it has nothing to do with the numbers, the engagement and all this things that I see most artists constantly yapping about on social media, I'm just happy to see that you like my shit.
Anyway... Looking up for 2025, when I finally move to the apartment I feel like life will begin making sense again since I'll have a nice space to pursuit things and stable roof for my next move.
It sounds like you are hoping that someone will give you love and affection due to what you do rather than what you are.
If this is the case then you need to fall back and find what YOU want and what you wish to be surrounded by. To find balance between accepting others while also knowing what you want from them. This site and many other social medias are filled with people who manipulate to get what they want. To use others or to toss them away once they are done with them. It's a legit anxiety to have on this site But it should not be one that controls you.
There are key signs to know when someone actually cares about you or at least is loyal enough to offer aid. Be truly honest with yourself, take time to self-reflect, see what makes you happy, truly happy and productive. Set reasonable boundaries so people don't walk over you. Set realistic goals for yourself so you can see the ladder you're climbing. Even try sleeping solid 8-9 for an entire week and that will definitely help your anxiety if you're not already.
I apologize if this Isnt really correct But I thought I throw my hat in either way. Be safe and I do hope you feel better soon.
To an extension ur right about that, but it's more like, I hope someone notices and likes what they see and reach out wanting to know me better... A bit cynical of my part, but I often feel a but sussed out of people coming to me wanting nothing with the assumption that I'm some nice guy, it just feels like the person is playing humble, trying to warm up to me enough so they feel entitled to make requests. Art is the only reliable thing I have to connect with others, artists or not.
I'm fine with people wanting art from me, I like a person who knows what they want, when people reach out to me I assume it's because they find interest in my art and I'm fine with that cuz otherwise, what business would they want with a lurker? But what I've been most upset it's that, it feels unfair have to be the guy that has to draw for them, give gifts to their friends, having to allign with their interests, be asked to work on their projects, let them do whatever with my OCs and stuff, meanwhile I don't get to ask anything in return and always be mindful of what they like or don't like, the moment I ask something in return they slip away, lose interest in engaging with me in any way.
But I agreed with most of what you said, if not everything. Thanks for the comment man.
Things are hard these days, and they may have to break more before they can be fixed, but I'm confident they will be better. I'm glad to hear things are coming together for you, and you're starting to feel good about the future.
I really enjoy some of your work. A fair bit of it's not my thing, but that's fine, it's your thing, or your commissioner's thing. The pieces I enjoy are some of my favorites, and even the ones I'm not a huge fan of demonstrate your skills. You're great at creating motion, and a certain kind of stretchy weight in your characters. You also draw so many rare scenarios. There are plenty of things we need more of, and I appreciate your contribution to some of those things.
I know I'm just some random guy on the internet, but if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always reach out to me. I may take some time to respond, but I want you to know you'll always have someone willing to listen. I know it's a bit cliche, but it's true: suicide isn't the answer. It can be hard to see at the time, but things do get better, and there are people around who care about you. I'm glad you're starting to see that.
Sometimes it can be hard to see the good through the bad. There have even been studies showing we remember and add more weight to the bad stuff over the good stuff. It might be helpful to remember, that currently, you have over three thousand that enjoy your work enough to watch you. Even if a stupidly low percentage of those people care about you, that still leaves a ton of people that care. Even if as little as 10% of your watchers actually care (which I can pretty much guarantee it's much higher), that still means 300 do care about you.
I hope this has been at least a little helpful.
For me, the way I try to get along is trying to focus emotional energy on people that actually want to be around me, and try not to focus on people that do not really seem to care about me. Additionally I try to focus on the idea of just being happier with more personal goals and if there's a partner for me, great, if not then whatever. I still get really lonely of course, but it has helped.
Also I despise apartment stuff it's a necessary evil in life for sure, and there's a lot of ridiculously annoying stuff around that they get away with cause.. well they can. I hope for the best for you there.
You're always welcome to reach out to me, if you just want to talk about stuff. I will say I'm unlikely to divulge personal information, but I'm typically willing to shoot the shit about most nerdy things.