ever feel like you're kinda on this rail track that goes one way in a loop forever? and there's a part of the loop you don't quite remember so approaching it spooks the hell out of you because you only remember that after every time you were back to being sad and not sure why.


maybe i'm just overthinking my clone tf kink because i don't like forcing people to be any particular way but also i want them to be me while i am also me or perhaps my dog. i think its coming from when i used to push away these feelings and talk abiut them with friends and family and they always thought they were good ideas i should have run with but i just never did. and now i have one i want to run with i'm worried i'm just gonna give it away too because of how used to doing that i am. but then comes the existential flipside to that which is am i even anybody at all right now to give away, or has it all been burnt up already from my ongoing mental health crisis and lack of anything happening to do around here. what does any of this even mean anymore, even though i know i still want it, its clear the thing it was when i started isn't what it has become. and that's a really complicated thing to process because its better now but the rawness of the previous versions is much more interesting and exciting, all that sort of smoothed out and made generic so it doesn't offput. never really a big fan of that, its usually when i tune out. but this is a core piece of me and it didn't smooth out in my soul, so i don't feel bound to all of that anymore either. its just whatever i want it to be- and i know what i want it to be.


do you believe its possible to be both in and out of the closet at the same time? are you aware of gender identities and sexualities more complex than "man, woman, nonbinary" and "straight, gay, bi, pan"? how does bedrock terminology survive when things can't truly be put into boxes like it requires them to be? why couldn't someone be both a guy and a woman at the same time without having to pass the Piccadilly prodding of social expectations that differ between both. ugh why can't this whole things be set up so that it can work with me instead of trying to shove me into two boxes at the same time when i don't really fit in either one of them! and if i'm just non-binary then 1. why the hell can't i just see that because the only reason i think the cause of this might not be potential non-binarity is because if it was then i should have realized and embraced it years ago by now and 2. why is all of this so gosh darn difficult for my gosh darn valid and openly queer ass to wrap around and accept because like again if it was just that i should have been on board for several years already. like idk fuck it call me non-binary and we'll see if anything changes with external recognition of it. it probably is and i'm just so damn starved of connection i've made myself not able to see it at some point i was feeling lousy or some stupid thing like that. ughhhh