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End of year reflection for 2024 (lil sad)
10 months ago
A little bit early perhaps as it's not even Christmas yet but I'm in the mood to just write late at night to the abyss.
There's been so much good stuff this year, stuff I'd never dream about doing including travelling far in car and across the waters by train to Paris to meet a furry friend - saving money for my partial suit and commissions...getting a tablet to draw and actually posting it and feeling somewhat satisfied.
....and yet. I feel gloom. Tis this time of the year I suppose. It might also be worse given that I just turned 30 as of a couple days ago. It just.....hasn't sat right in my head. If I met someone who spoke like this to me, I'd pity them as there is so much to be proud of in their life and it isn't like there is some cosmic force that states I should have x,y,z by an age range anyway.
I just can't also be like yooooooooo guys I'm sooooo happy right now woooooo fuck yeah great time...because I don't feel like it.
The coward in me can't post this onto my main accounts because I don't really want people to acknowledge it and keep it here as if I'd feel better in the morning I'd hope for writing it out. If any of my friends wrote sad things on their channel, I'd want to help anyway I could but I don't want to give anyone a chance to return it. I just don't know how to cope with it truth be told.
For example, the time at October when I got so scared at a scary escape room that I was crying and had to leave early. Everyone was so lovely, asking how I was and randomly hugging me when tbh I was just looking anywhere but them and couldn't speak. In that moment, if it hadn't been for the fact I brought some to the area and I was their only way home, I'd have left there and then. Because that's all I ever feel like in a moment of vulnerability, I just want to escape, I don't know how to comprehend them keep talking to me or hugging me and I don't know what to do in the moment. And that fucked me up for the weeks after as I didn't attend any meet or friend meetup after that as of this journal.
On reflection of that, perhaps I should speak more clearly to my friends that when I'm really out of it, I kinda just need to be left alone, no stimulus, just let me calm down in a quiet spot and either I'll speak about leaving or I'll be alright in a moment... maybe I should buy a sign or pin perhaps that states this.
Another thing I need to do is stop spending my money so freely as I have been doing. This year was an eye opener to the kinds of things I just throw my money towards which I then just throw in my room and forget I have. That's no good. I need to declutter and stop being so spendy.
I would also speak now about how lovely it would be to find a partner too but given all this above, mentally I want to be better for myself first and I don't feel it's time even if the sap in me is lonely.
As we head into 2025, I'd like to say I'll head into it positively or at least try to; I'd start afresh as in it's time to save money, to gym, to enjoy my life to the best of my abilities and to support my friends with whatever they will face too.
Let's just see what happens eh?
Take care all.
There's been so much good stuff this year, stuff I'd never dream about doing including travelling far in car and across the waters by train to Paris to meet a furry friend - saving money for my partial suit and commissions...getting a tablet to draw and actually posting it and feeling somewhat satisfied.
....and yet. I feel gloom. Tis this time of the year I suppose. It might also be worse given that I just turned 30 as of a couple days ago. It just.....hasn't sat right in my head. If I met someone who spoke like this to me, I'd pity them as there is so much to be proud of in their life and it isn't like there is some cosmic force that states I should have x,y,z by an age range anyway.
I just can't also be like yooooooooo guys I'm sooooo happy right now woooooo fuck yeah great time...because I don't feel like it.
The coward in me can't post this onto my main accounts because I don't really want people to acknowledge it and keep it here as if I'd feel better in the morning I'd hope for writing it out. If any of my friends wrote sad things on their channel, I'd want to help anyway I could but I don't want to give anyone a chance to return it. I just don't know how to cope with it truth be told.
For example, the time at October when I got so scared at a scary escape room that I was crying and had to leave early. Everyone was so lovely, asking how I was and randomly hugging me when tbh I was just looking anywhere but them and couldn't speak. In that moment, if it hadn't been for the fact I brought some to the area and I was their only way home, I'd have left there and then. Because that's all I ever feel like in a moment of vulnerability, I just want to escape, I don't know how to comprehend them keep talking to me or hugging me and I don't know what to do in the moment. And that fucked me up for the weeks after as I didn't attend any meet or friend meetup after that as of this journal.
On reflection of that, perhaps I should speak more clearly to my friends that when I'm really out of it, I kinda just need to be left alone, no stimulus, just let me calm down in a quiet spot and either I'll speak about leaving or I'll be alright in a moment... maybe I should buy a sign or pin perhaps that states this.
Another thing I need to do is stop spending my money so freely as I have been doing. This year was an eye opener to the kinds of things I just throw my money towards which I then just throw in my room and forget I have. That's no good. I need to declutter and stop being so spendy.
I would also speak now about how lovely it would be to find a partner too but given all this above, mentally I want to be better for myself first and I don't feel it's time even if the sap in me is lonely.
As we head into 2025, I'd like to say I'll head into it positively or at least try to; I'd start afresh as in it's time to save money, to gym, to enjoy my life to the best of my abilities and to support my friends with whatever they will face too.
Let's just see what happens eh?
Take care all.
I am happy that you've had some realisation about things that have happened over the last few months and are on the way to working through things a little better- I'm the same way and when I make my year review I've got some similar stories to share 🫂
I hope next year goes well for you - you've had some realisations and I'm positive things will go better 🫂 If you ever need us we're here for you 🫂
Next year bud will be amazing, I just know it will. For me and for you.