I don't know how to name this.
Sometimes, life's kind enough to give that positive numbness. You go on with your day, you feel somewhat satisfied despite not feeling much. It's not great, but when you've done worse, it's appreciated.
It's that little moment when you're productive, when you finish correcting smut, when you feel like you can reopen your comms, when you're about to start playing with a friend with levity in your voice.

And then... Boom. Life. Back at it. Kicking you in the nuts.
Could be worse. Could be you. But in the end, it was  winterhound776
The good ol' Derg kicked the bucket. He was nice, he was good, he was someone who believed in my dirty mind from the beginning.

Onyx? Was for him. Because we shared a kinky mind.
We didn't interact much beyond our perversion. Or at least, I did not push further as it was for me a security. A little garden where we could exchange naughty pictures and ideas, hype one another, and exchange a few wip/nasty details.
Doesn't seem much. But that was enough for me. I guess. I guessed. Now, maybe that I've lost him, it feels like it wasn't enough. A part of my life, as small as it is, suddenly vanished. Why? How? don't know. Won't probably know, I wasn't close, I am not in the close circle.

But it is still shitty.
It's still a stab in the heart. It's still a pain that churns and churns, keeping me awake at night. Couldn't sleep. Maybe another night. But even then...
Well. I'm bad with eulogies. I'm bad at talking about my feelings. But what I can say is... Yes. I don't know what happened Niri', I'm sorry if I couldn't be around or just wasn't enough. Take care slutty derg, and wherever you are, keep doing what you like.


In the meantime, I'll try working on the comms that are still in my queue. On my belated Christmas present for my friends... And yeah. It's open...
I hate this.
Can't say we were great friends. Can't say I was a great friend. But it still hurt and feels wrong. Sorry y'all. Sorry Niri.