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I hope I don't ruin another year.
8 months ago
“When you shall say, "As others do, so will I. I renounce, I am sorry for it, my early visions; I must eat the good of the land, and let learning and romantic expectations go, until a more convenient season." — then dies the man in you;” - Ralph W. Emerson
This has been a bad year for me. I have not moved forward, only confirmed my suspicions that I am unviable as a person and a wasted life. I trust almost nobody and grow tired and want to give up and go away. This has been my entire life, feeling this way more and more, and because that's the case, I don't see any reason to suspect that next year will be better.
Yes, we won't lose our house this year like we thought we would, but I can't celebrate. It's not about the fucking money.
I've wished every day I wouldn't wake up, more and more clearly for a whole decade. It's cruel and useless to just keep living if in suffering. Unfortunately I'm too much of a pussy to do it while awake, and that's the only thing that matters to others, because it's an annoyance that can't be ignored. So long as you're not grabbing a rope or a gun, nobody cares, you're an annoyance that can be swept under the rug or beaten to submission.
I ruined the holidays by constantly causing problems. Sometimes I don't know how, I just do. I always do. I get upset with things not going as planned and hyped and romanticised and need space and that makes my family angry with me, and it's all coming out and nobody knows or cares, is just annoyed at me. I just am an asshole who can't appreciate material goods and just a liar and making shit up. My presence is repulsive. I know it, it's not an exaggeration, even when I was naïve and didn't have these feelings, everyone was disgusted by my presence, and either wanted to get away from me, placate me to get me away, use me as the butt of jokes or try to physically hurt me for fun. Only a select few people I've met on the internet, people who came out of nowhere, NEVER anyone I acted towards first, do I believe don't harbor much of those feelings towards me.
This is what I'll end the year with. A disappointment. An annoyance. I ruined it.
Yes, we won't lose our house this year like we thought we would, but I can't celebrate. It's not about the fucking money.
I've wished every day I wouldn't wake up, more and more clearly for a whole decade. It's cruel and useless to just keep living if in suffering. Unfortunately I'm too much of a pussy to do it while awake, and that's the only thing that matters to others, because it's an annoyance that can't be ignored. So long as you're not grabbing a rope or a gun, nobody cares, you're an annoyance that can be swept under the rug or beaten to submission.
I ruined the holidays by constantly causing problems. Sometimes I don't know how, I just do. I always do. I get upset with things not going as planned and hyped and romanticised and need space and that makes my family angry with me, and it's all coming out and nobody knows or cares, is just annoyed at me. I just am an asshole who can't appreciate material goods and just a liar and making shit up. My presence is repulsive. I know it, it's not an exaggeration, even when I was naïve and didn't have these feelings, everyone was disgusted by my presence, and either wanted to get away from me, placate me to get me away, use me as the butt of jokes or try to physically hurt me for fun. Only a select few people I've met on the internet, people who came out of nowhere, NEVER anyone I acted towards first, do I believe don't harbor much of those feelings towards me.
This is what I'll end the year with. A disappointment. An annoyance. I ruined it.
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