It's been longer than I thought, folks.

I've already posted something on my supporter platforms, since I really needed to tell the lovely people why I was not being as consistent with uploads, but it's about time I informed the general audience on what the fuck is even happening. I was hoping to get some stuff in order first, however it's taking longer than expected, so just expect another update sooner or later I guess.

I'm not afraid to say that lately I've been trying to navigate one of my worst depressive episodes in a long while, where I've been genuinely planning to remove myself from this planet to just stop feeling all this pain. I'm glad that I've lived with depression long enough to know how to circumvent these thoughts, but it's not easy. I owe it to my supporters, to my snails, and to my students to keep living.

This particular downwards spiral has been caused by a whole series events: first, the processing of the grief that a lot of people in my life put way less effort into seeing me than I do for them, mostly when it comes to family. All my closest friends live the farthest, and the people who live the closest have the most superficial relationships with me, so I know it's a work in progress, but sometimes the nagging voice of cynicism tells me that no one would miss me if I disappeared. I know it's untrue, it's tempting to believe it in my worst moments though.

The second major event, was having my wheelchair taken away from me. I had been renting a wheelchair since March 2024 to see if I could live a better life with the support of a motorised wheelchair, but after an accident I had where I fell off a cliff back in April 2024, I found myself fighting a legal battle between the damage insurance that didn't want to cover enough for the value of the damaged wheelchair, and the rental company that was trying to scam me into buying a whole new wheelchair for them instead of paying for just the value of the wheelchair in its current state. It took me months, but I finally got that sorted out by the end of the year, but as part of the deal, I was to give back the replacement rental by the end of the year as well. Their official excuse was that they wanted to neatly have all the accounts in order, but I think it was just a petty move on their part. Either way, this means that I have been without a wheelchair for a while, and my joint pains have only gotten worse as a result.

To top it all off, I got the decision from the disability benefit state agency that they will not cover for the cost of a wheelchair for me, because according to their doctors, my diagnosis of periarthritis is not enough to justify the need for a wheelchair, even with all the medical records showing that I've been using the wheelchair for almost a year. When I got the news, where I'd usually feel the righteous anger of injustice, I just felt... empty. Like all my anger had just ran dry, after months and months of paperwork, all for this superficial evaluation. All I felt was dejection, but after a week now I feel only better enough to hope for a solution once I see my doctor on Monday to prepare an appeal letter together. That being said, I still don't have a wheelchair yet, but I'm talking with another rental company in the meantime, so I will be able to get help either way, even if it'll cost me a bit of money. I can just afford it, and it's worth every penny, more than ever.

If the appeal letter doesn't work, I already have a contingency plan. I found that there are several second hand motorised wheelchairs on the market that I could get for relatively cheap. We're still talking in the thousands, but if I play my cards right (aka save up enough money) I would be able to afford one and have my problems solved. That is, of course, only if the appeal still results in in a rejection by the disability agency.

Another whammy is that apparently the reason why my pains don't pass, despite all the treatments I've tried, is that I'm too stressed and anxious for things to heal (wow, who would have thought that teetering on the edge of poverty and precariousness would make one feel like that????), so when I saw the rheumatologist to discuss how to proceed, they suggested a treatment that is basically a retreat of a couple of weeks to have a full immersion physiotherapy with psychiatric aid. I was like, sure, at this point, I'm open to anything. I got a call the same day saying that the clinic immediately refused to take me in because I'm too young so I can't get the treatment. Sorry folks, guess I'm cured now! So yeah that just made me feel even worse.

I write this from a place where I don't seek advice; I'm already seeing mental health professionals, and have for a while, so I know why I feel the way I do and how to divert the bad thoughts, or at least drown them out for long enough between one appointment and the next. I know this too shall pass. I just hope more sooner than later.

I wish you all the best, please take care out there, especially in these trying times.
-K065