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A statement to end all statements.
10 months ago
General
I'm a goddamn idiot.
That's it, I just have no idea how to even get around to apologize for... goddamn everything.
Everything Ratzyukar has said checks out, there might be some nuance - them ERPing after I've said it's not my thing, exposing my weakness, teasing me with deranged stuff on near daily basis, making it feel really personal, but what does it matter when I took it all in like a loser - for all of you, it doesn't really change anything, even if it did, it's not right for me to shit at someone over it, nor again, as it's been said, should concern anyone else than us two, I don't know why I went public with it, or maybe I do, I was stupid, and still am, probably a weak word to use - as I was more than that, I was disrespectful, I was an asshole, I had a nasty motive coming into it, not right in the head, acting like a baby, and that's not an excuse for me because I was aware of it all and didn't stop myself.
What happened is that I got too comfortable with someone when all they did is just do a goddamn drawing for me, goes as way back as to late 2020 with my pathetic ass wanting some sort of escape and looking for it without considering how it might affect others, how I forced myself a "friendship" just to have a wall to cry at, and you will see that theme of me objectifying people again when I cling to someone for just doing anything and claiming them as my valued possession, an item to toy with, against their wishes and all those years I have selfishly taken a person with free will as something that belongs to me, and I've called it "supporting someone".
I once again want to apologize, but I cannot ask for forgiveness, the amounts of harm I've caused is beyond being able to heal, and I want you to remember that, as I don't know if I can be trusted moving forward, which, I made some plans for, but that won't make me a good person, I'm still a piece of shit.
I know I'm coming back rather soon with this "apology"; and the best I can do is owning up to this, but it won't undo the harm I've done, it just won't.
I'm sorry,
I have fucked up, I regret all of it, please for the sake of god, don't pity me; this wasn't a human mistake, I'm nothing less of a savage.
That's it, I just have no idea how to even get around to apologize for... goddamn everything.
Everything Ratzyukar has said checks out, there might be some nuance - them ERPing after I've said it's not my thing, exposing my weakness, teasing me with deranged stuff on near daily basis, making it feel really personal, but what does it matter when I took it all in like a loser - for all of you, it doesn't really change anything, even if it did, it's not right for me to shit at someone over it, nor again, as it's been said, should concern anyone else than us two, I don't know why I went public with it, or maybe I do, I was stupid, and still am, probably a weak word to use - as I was more than that, I was disrespectful, I was an asshole, I had a nasty motive coming into it, not right in the head, acting like a baby, and that's not an excuse for me because I was aware of it all and didn't stop myself.
What happened is that I got too comfortable with someone when all they did is just do a goddamn drawing for me, goes as way back as to late 2020 with my pathetic ass wanting some sort of escape and looking for it without considering how it might affect others, how I forced myself a "friendship" just to have a wall to cry at, and you will see that theme of me objectifying people again when I cling to someone for just doing anything and claiming them as my valued possession, an item to toy with, against their wishes and all those years I have selfishly taken a person with free will as something that belongs to me, and I've called it "supporting someone".
I once again want to apologize, but I cannot ask for forgiveness, the amounts of harm I've caused is beyond being able to heal, and I want you to remember that, as I don't know if I can be trusted moving forward, which, I made some plans for, but that won't make me a good person, I'm still a piece of shit.
I know I'm coming back rather soon with this "apology"; and the best I can do is owning up to this, but it won't undo the harm I've done, it just won't.
I'm sorry,
I have fucked up, I regret all of it, please for the sake of god, don't pity me; this wasn't a human mistake, I'm nothing less of a savage.
Comment posting has been disabled by the journal owner.
Best of luck. Get some rest.