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Sobriety Sucks, Also Vent, Journal #300, Yay!
7 months ago
What's up y'all? Been absent from this aspect of FA for...FOUR YEARS?!
Holy shit, been a minute.
Anyways, like the title says, sobriety fucking sucks. I hate not having an outlet, or an escape, no matter how destructive it may be. Due to actual random drug testing, (I mean, who even does that? My job, that's who!) I can't partake in the sky cabbage anymore. What happens then? We turn to alcohol. It's a solution. *Ba Dum, Tiss* It got to the point where I would drink when I got home every day without fail. Not just a beer or anything, we're talking 1-2 pitchers of homemade margaritas because, let's face it, I'm a fruity bitch. Without fail, I'd be plastered by 6pm every single day. Weekends? Definitely. My friends came to know the new me, the one that would say some off the wall shit, make them laugh, and have a great time. Surprisingly enough, never actually been hungover since I would chug two bottles of water pre-binge drink.
Worst it got was probably a work dinner where they said they were footing the bill. Pre-gamed at home with a pitcher and a half of margarita, and 6 shots of tequila straight. Get to the work dinner, slam two more margaritas and a strawberry daiquiri before we even got seated, then one more daiquiri and two large mouthfuls of sake afterwards. Called out my boss, called two of my coworkers bitches, got a kid stuck in a revolving door, and told our ops manager he gave up on us and his "more pressing matters" he had to attend to was him getting head from his girlfriend on the car ride home. All in all, good times, didn't lose my job, but came close.
Jump ahead to December 28th, the last time I had any amount of an alcoholic beverage. I started wondering why people were distancing themselves from me. Honestly, it was the holidays and seasonal depression was hitting hard, but my mind went there. I started blaming myself, blaming the fact that I couldn't escape and be this person that I thought people wanted me to be because alcohol was starting to wreak havoc on my stomach and cause indigestion, heartburn and other wonderful side-effects. I decided to put a stop to it, went cold turkey from cold turkey as of December 29th. Now people think it's just some stupid New Year's Resolution that's just going to fall off in a month or two, and I have a feeling that they might be right.
There have been multiple instances where I've been stressed out to the point where I want to come home and escape. To come home and just drink those bad feelings away. To let it all be drowned out and have that feeling of, dare I say happiness? That separation from real life. That pain associated with the gastrointestinal issues that are enhanced by alcohol. That fear that if I go back to it, I won't be able to get this far again. The failure I would feel like to myself. The failure I would be to my wife. The failure I would be to my friends.
That's just something I've been fighting with myself over for the past few weeks. Other than that, got a new job since my last post, became a lead, a supervisor, and stepped back down after that for above reasons. Haven't reached out to old friends that I used to see every two weeks, shout out to my LCFM buds, hope y'all are great and living your best lives. Anyways, it's been nice being back. I'm sorry for the venting. Obviously I need some therapy or something because this amalgam of ramblings doesn't really make too much sense. Here's to hoping the sobriety sticks. If not, I'll be back here to tell you guys all about it. Pinky promise.
With love from this side of the dirt,
AnthemTheMalamutt
Holy shit, been a minute.
Anyways, like the title says, sobriety fucking sucks. I hate not having an outlet, or an escape, no matter how destructive it may be. Due to actual random drug testing, (I mean, who even does that? My job, that's who!) I can't partake in the sky cabbage anymore. What happens then? We turn to alcohol. It's a solution. *Ba Dum, Tiss* It got to the point where I would drink when I got home every day without fail. Not just a beer or anything, we're talking 1-2 pitchers of homemade margaritas because, let's face it, I'm a fruity bitch. Without fail, I'd be plastered by 6pm every single day. Weekends? Definitely. My friends came to know the new me, the one that would say some off the wall shit, make them laugh, and have a great time. Surprisingly enough, never actually been hungover since I would chug two bottles of water pre-binge drink.
Worst it got was probably a work dinner where they said they were footing the bill. Pre-gamed at home with a pitcher and a half of margarita, and 6 shots of tequila straight. Get to the work dinner, slam two more margaritas and a strawberry daiquiri before we even got seated, then one more daiquiri and two large mouthfuls of sake afterwards. Called out my boss, called two of my coworkers bitches, got a kid stuck in a revolving door, and told our ops manager he gave up on us and his "more pressing matters" he had to attend to was him getting head from his girlfriend on the car ride home. All in all, good times, didn't lose my job, but came close.
Jump ahead to December 28th, the last time I had any amount of an alcoholic beverage. I started wondering why people were distancing themselves from me. Honestly, it was the holidays and seasonal depression was hitting hard, but my mind went there. I started blaming myself, blaming the fact that I couldn't escape and be this person that I thought people wanted me to be because alcohol was starting to wreak havoc on my stomach and cause indigestion, heartburn and other wonderful side-effects. I decided to put a stop to it, went cold turkey from cold turkey as of December 29th. Now people think it's just some stupid New Year's Resolution that's just going to fall off in a month or two, and I have a feeling that they might be right.
There have been multiple instances where I've been stressed out to the point where I want to come home and escape. To come home and just drink those bad feelings away. To let it all be drowned out and have that feeling of, dare I say happiness? That separation from real life. That pain associated with the gastrointestinal issues that are enhanced by alcohol. That fear that if I go back to it, I won't be able to get this far again. The failure I would feel like to myself. The failure I would be to my wife. The failure I would be to my friends.
That's just something I've been fighting with myself over for the past few weeks. Other than that, got a new job since my last post, became a lead, a supervisor, and stepped back down after that for above reasons. Haven't reached out to old friends that I used to see every two weeks, shout out to my LCFM buds, hope y'all are great and living your best lives. Anyways, it's been nice being back. I'm sorry for the venting. Obviously I need some therapy or something because this amalgam of ramblings doesn't really make too much sense. Here's to hoping the sobriety sticks. If not, I'll be back here to tell you guys all about it. Pinky promise.
With love from this side of the dirt,
AnthemTheMalamutt
N30NPUM4
~ryltohn
I wish you the best on the sobriety; that sounds WILD (and like one hell of an ordeal).
VEN_vengeance
~venvengeance
hey! I've been wonder where you've been my dude. that sounds hard AF but I can honestly say I'm so GOD DAMN PROUD OF YOU. I know life is a whole bunch of bullshit from morning to night most days and friends that are fun to hang around with drunk are not the same ones we would hang out with sober. Support networks are super important and and I'm glad that you're finding help. <3 if you ever need someone to talk to my DM are always open. :)
