Staying up late imagining what it would be like to be Celeste irl and how wonderful it would be.
Getting to be my true self and live life in a body I don't hate.
ughhhhh why can't I just be me.
And VR, where I can be me, has been hard since my old headset is giving out.
Hopefully I'll have that replaced soon... aaaaa
This is what happens when I get time to myself. I get wrapped up in my own head and thoughts and overworry.

If I haven't said it before I am "other-kin". Celeste is the true me. I have the occasional dream at night when I get to be her.
I crave those dreams like nothing else. Looking at my paws and seeing my green scales and womanly body and it makes me so happy.
For a little while I can be free.

Someday I want to get a house on the coast where Sven and I can live together and go for walks on the beach every day. Maybe run a small cafe that we both operate and can make cute little coffee drinks and make friends with the people who live in the town. Close the shop and then go to the beach or go for a walk. Hold hands the whole time and just stop caring about all these problems I make up in my head.

I want to be able to wake up every morning next to him, but as my true self.
Maybe someday I can do that. Or maybe in another life.

Several years ago when I first made this account on here I was so different. I was just going with the flow of life. I had no direction and was just living. I wasn't happy or sad. I was just... "existing"
After discovering so much about myself, falling in love with the man of my dreams, I can say for the first time ever that I am as close to truly happy as I have ever been. But I have also experienced moments of sadness and depression greater than any other I have had before.

Its good. All that I am going through is good. But sometimes on nights like this I just want to curl up in a place where no one can see me and day dream. dream about being my true self. Maybe if I dream hard enough it will become true.

aaaaa this is probably all nonsense but it helps. Getting this all out there. Maybe someday I will have that house on the coast. Sven by my side. And I will look forward to each coming day. Instead of worrying so damn much.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything. These truly are just my late night depressive and anxious thoughts. Dealing with these kinds of things is something I go through often. My living situation is not ideal but its also not all that bad. I am trying my best to get into a different place but everything is getting so expensive. Blegh.
I hope tomorrow is a better day. For all of us.