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Jake Roolan meets Johnny Storm (NSFW satire)
5 months ago
This is in response to Joseph Quinn's comments on his portrayal of Johnny Storm in the new "Fantastic Four" movie.
THE SCENE: A press conference in front of the Baxter Building.
JOHNNY STORM: Greetings, members of the press. I am Johnny Storm. Many of you know me as The Human Torch. Unfortunately, many of you also know me as a womanizer with a devil-may-care attitude. I have come here today to put this unsettling and unsexy rumor to rest! (To a reporter in the crowd) Yes, I will be taking questions, but please hold them until the end of my statement.
REPORTER: Robbie Robertson, Daily Bugle. I just want to know what's up with the big, buff kangaroo man?
JOHNNY STORM: (Suddenly notices Jake standing onstage with him) Um...yes, kangaroo man, where did you come from?
JAKE ROOLAN: I dunno. The Multiverse or somethin'. Now, as to my purpose here today...I came to meet you, Johnny Storm! Heard you were the irresponsible one on your team. Thought we might have somethin' in common. Might have a little fun together. But listenin' to your little speech there, I guess I was wrong.
JOHNNY STORM: Oh no, I'm totally the irresponsible one on my team and I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT! I've just developed a self-awareness about the deep psychological and social influences that cause me to act out in such a brash manner so that I can make an effort to do better and be better in all aspects of life, every waking moment of every day...(Looks to press for approval. Doesn't get it.)... and to also dream of nothing but doing better and being better when I sleep!
JAKE ROOLAN: Well...good for you, I guess. Anyway, you're kinda hot for a human. Fancy a shag?
JOHNNY STORM: Well...(looks Jake up and down) yes. But (turns to press) THAT WOULD BE HIGHLY INAPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR THE HUMAN TORCH!!!
JAKE ROOLAN: Aw, c'mon mate! It's not womanizin' 'cause...I'm a bloke! And it'll spark a conversation about the inherent homoeroticism of big, buff superheroes, which both sides of the ongoing cultural debate conveniently ignore. Besides, I don't expect ya to call me tomorrow. I won't even be in this dimension of reality tomorrow!
JOHNNY STORM: Ah, what the hell! How many chances do you get to sleep with an interdimensional kangaroo?! (Begins kissing Jake passionately. Flames on.)
LATER, IN JAKE'S HOME DIMENSION:
BRUCE ROOLAN: Oi, Jake! You're covered in burns! What'd you get yourself into this time?!
JAKE ROOLAN: (Grinning ear to ear.) Worth it. Totally worth it.
THE SCENE: A press conference in front of the Baxter Building.
JOHNNY STORM: Greetings, members of the press. I am Johnny Storm. Many of you know me as The Human Torch. Unfortunately, many of you also know me as a womanizer with a devil-may-care attitude. I have come here today to put this unsettling and unsexy rumor to rest! (To a reporter in the crowd) Yes, I will be taking questions, but please hold them until the end of my statement.
REPORTER: Robbie Robertson, Daily Bugle. I just want to know what's up with the big, buff kangaroo man?
JOHNNY STORM: (Suddenly notices Jake standing onstage with him) Um...yes, kangaroo man, where did you come from?
JAKE ROOLAN: I dunno. The Multiverse or somethin'. Now, as to my purpose here today...I came to meet you, Johnny Storm! Heard you were the irresponsible one on your team. Thought we might have somethin' in common. Might have a little fun together. But listenin' to your little speech there, I guess I was wrong.
JOHNNY STORM: Oh no, I'm totally the irresponsible one on my team and I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THAT! I've just developed a self-awareness about the deep psychological and social influences that cause me to act out in such a brash manner so that I can make an effort to do better and be better in all aspects of life, every waking moment of every day...(Looks to press for approval. Doesn't get it.)... and to also dream of nothing but doing better and being better when I sleep!
JAKE ROOLAN: Well...good for you, I guess. Anyway, you're kinda hot for a human. Fancy a shag?
JOHNNY STORM: Well...(looks Jake up and down) yes. But (turns to press) THAT WOULD BE HIGHLY INAPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR THE HUMAN TORCH!!!
JAKE ROOLAN: Aw, c'mon mate! It's not womanizin' 'cause...I'm a bloke! And it'll spark a conversation about the inherent homoeroticism of big, buff superheroes, which both sides of the ongoing cultural debate conveniently ignore. Besides, I don't expect ya to call me tomorrow. I won't even be in this dimension of reality tomorrow!
JOHNNY STORM: Ah, what the hell! How many chances do you get to sleep with an interdimensional kangaroo?! (Begins kissing Jake passionately. Flames on.)
LATER, IN JAKE'S HOME DIMENSION:
BRUCE ROOLAN: Oi, Jake! You're covered in burns! What'd you get yourself into this time?!
JAKE ROOLAN: (Grinning ear to ear.) Worth it. Totally worth it.
I always imagine these comments are scripted by a marketing executive who cobbles them together out of whatever's trending among the target demographic on social media.
I suppose that also fits most of the Extreme Dinosaurs, but a lot of the cluelessness comes from them being from the past.
I don’t mind him being irresponsible more often, in that regard.
Hunter is an interesting example in that he can be both a mostly competent leader and a surfer dude-type himbo.
Bullzeye is the most irresponsible one on his team, with things like his addictions to the Home Shopping Network and the telephone psychic hotline. I guess if there's a reboot, it will open with him angsting about how much he hates modern technology and commercialism ;) :D.