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Another update. Apartment/family/trip
16 years ago
So, it's the day after Christmas, and my plane leaves at 8. I guess I've got some time to write down some thoughts.
Update on my living situation~
I now live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mom and sister. It's a lot smaller than my old house, so it's kinda weird. I've got my own room and bathroom, which is more than I had back home anyway. Having a laptop now, there's not a conflict over computer time anymore, which is nice. I live about 3 minutes from my highschool, and about 15 minutes from my college, which is nice. For a while, I was 35 minutes away from both of them.
My parents are 'seperated' for at least 6 months, which is the lease of the apartment. They're not divorced yet, which is kinda weird. My mom told my dad that he's got a year to be sober and not an asshole, to prove that she wouldn't be in the same shitty situation if she went back to him. My dad and brother are living in an apartment down the street. So we've got the distance of......a 3 minute drive.
Not really the space I wanted, but whatever. It's really frustrating now, because my dad is being really nice to me. He was an asshole for so long, not giving a shit how I felt, or what his drinking or abuse caused. And now, suddenly, he's a perfectly loving and caring father. Bullshit. I don't care if you really love me, or deep down hate me, just don't lie to me about it. He's 'playing it nice' with me, so he can avoid conflict, so he can get on my mom's better side. I can't stand it.
I was, and am, ready to cut him out of my life entirely. Like, zip, zilch, nada communication, whatsoever. And now, I have to pretend like everything is okay and fine, just because he is. To tell you the truth, I hope he fucks up.
I hope he messes up, bad.
Gets lost.
Leaves.
Gone.
It's a silly time to learn to swim, when you start to drown.
I'm not okay with this, I'm really not. I left my home because it stopped being a safe place. I lived with my grandmother, and drove an hour and a half a day, just to be away from him. I was so close to just losing it, and the problem has not been fixed. It's gotten a make-over. It's pretending to be my best friend. I'm not going to fall for it. You don't have me this time.
I may not be perfect, but at least I'm honest.
I'd rather you hate me for who I am, than love me for who I'm not.
Just don't lie to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, on a completely different subject. :P
I'm going to wake up in Tennessee tomorrow!
I'll be staying with
shakuhachi for a week or so. I'm very excited. I'm a little nervous about the plane rides, and I'm kinda scared of airports, but those are very little hurdles compared to the other stuff.
His roommates may be around, which means we'll have to be sneaky about our relationship, which may be weird. I'm definitely going to have to 'play it straight' while I'm there, which is going to be hard. It's hard to imagine being back in the closet, after I've been so used to being open about myself. Regardless, Shaku's a sweet guy, and I'm really looking forward to the fun stuff we're going to do!
Update on my living situation~
I now live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my mom and sister. It's a lot smaller than my old house, so it's kinda weird. I've got my own room and bathroom, which is more than I had back home anyway. Having a laptop now, there's not a conflict over computer time anymore, which is nice. I live about 3 minutes from my highschool, and about 15 minutes from my college, which is nice. For a while, I was 35 minutes away from both of them.
My parents are 'seperated' for at least 6 months, which is the lease of the apartment. They're not divorced yet, which is kinda weird. My mom told my dad that he's got a year to be sober and not an asshole, to prove that she wouldn't be in the same shitty situation if she went back to him. My dad and brother are living in an apartment down the street. So we've got the distance of......a 3 minute drive.
Not really the space I wanted, but whatever. It's really frustrating now, because my dad is being really nice to me. He was an asshole for so long, not giving a shit how I felt, or what his drinking or abuse caused. And now, suddenly, he's a perfectly loving and caring father. Bullshit. I don't care if you really love me, or deep down hate me, just don't lie to me about it. He's 'playing it nice' with me, so he can avoid conflict, so he can get on my mom's better side. I can't stand it.
I was, and am, ready to cut him out of my life entirely. Like, zip, zilch, nada communication, whatsoever. And now, I have to pretend like everything is okay and fine, just because he is. To tell you the truth, I hope he fucks up.
I hope he messes up, bad.
Gets lost.
Leaves.
Gone.
It's a silly time to learn to swim, when you start to drown.
I'm not okay with this, I'm really not. I left my home because it stopped being a safe place. I lived with my grandmother, and drove an hour and a half a day, just to be away from him. I was so close to just losing it, and the problem has not been fixed. It's gotten a make-over. It's pretending to be my best friend. I'm not going to fall for it. You don't have me this time.
I may not be perfect, but at least I'm honest.
I'd rather you hate me for who I am, than love me for who I'm not.
Just don't lie to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, on a completely different subject. :P
I'm going to wake up in Tennessee tomorrow!
I'll be staying with
shakuhachi for a week or so. I'm very excited. I'm a little nervous about the plane rides, and I'm kinda scared of airports, but those are very little hurdles compared to the other stuff. His roommates may be around, which means we'll have to be sneaky about our relationship, which may be weird. I'm definitely going to have to 'play it straight' while I'm there, which is going to be hard. It's hard to imagine being back in the closet, after I've been so used to being open about myself. Regardless, Shaku's a sweet guy, and I'm really looking forward to the fun stuff we're going to do!
