Hey guys. Sorry I disappeared again

I ended up with high blood pressure and got induced a week early. I have have a 2 week old baby. Her name is Tallulah Mae.

I have a traumatic birth experience unfortunately. I had higher than average blood pressure readings for the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy so at my 39 week appointment my OB told me to get induced the next day. Plus I was already dialed to 3cm.

I went in at 730am and was already dilated 4cm. They hooked me up to pitocine around 9am. By noon I was at 5cm. And I was having mild contractions but I didn't really feel them if I'm being honest.

By 6pm I was only at 6cm, so we got ready to break my water and speed things up. I want to say around 615pm is when they broke my water. Then things for real. The contractions were awful. And I did not want the epidural but it was bad so I begged for it. But I felt the urge to push. They told me I was at 6.5cm and I couldn't push. Like 20min later they were getting the epidural ready and someone checked me and I was dialed to 10cm! No epidural I had to start pushing. This was around 8pm.

I have no idea how but I pushed for 4hrs straight. Apparently the last 2hrs my baby was stuck going in and out and I legit had no energy left. One of the OBs told me they were going to get the Vacuum out. Which I was fine with. But the main OB of the hospital intervened and told me I had to have a c-section. which I was more afraid of than the epidural. I wanted the vacuum but she proceeded to scare me into getting the c-section. Told me she would breaks my babies shoulder using the vacuum, or cause severe mental retardation. I knew in my head that wasn't true, because I was vacuumed out and I know several other babies too. But I was so scared of losing my baby I signed the C-section paperwork and got prepped for a C-section.

Someone just finished up in the OR so it took a good 45mins to get ready. Of course the contractions didn't stop, I was still pushing just not as aggressively with my doulas and cousins hold my legs up and me puting physical and mental strain on myself. The main OR team came in and said in about 15mins they would come in and get me. Well I suddenly felt s pop. No doctor's or nurses were in the room, just my mom, my dad and my two doulas. I yelled that I thought the babies head was out and well it was. A couple more pushes and my baby was out! She came out with her damn hand on her face so her fat head and hand were was she was stuck.

Unfortunately this meant that I tore, really bad. The Ob who scared me earlier was the one to stitch me up, and she was really rude about that. Told me I had the worst 3rd degree tear she had every seen. Well that was because it was actually a 4th degree tear that she did not check for.

Meaning she did not sew me up all the way, causing me to have what I'd called a Fistula, connecting my front end to my back end. Pooping is now chaos. And I can't get the surgery to fix it for another 3 months.

So not only an I now navigating having a newborn, but living in a constant fear of pooping, and needing someone to help me watch the bay if I need to go to the bathroom because it can take up to 45mins to cleans myself up. Oh and my rectum wasn't sewn properly to so sometimes, I don't even know I'm going to the bathroom. It's all fun.

Now I have to be on disability for the foreseeable future and take my family leave after I've healed because it interferes with bonding time with my newborn, which is what family leave is.

Regardless I'm healing, baby is perfect. And we have a little routine going.

That being said also, I am open to commission and have time between naps and feedings to get them done if you would like to support me and help me make money while I cannot work.