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SATIRE: What would I make Hollywood writers do?
5 months ago
(From the writer of the Johnny Storm satire -- me. This is a satire inspired by a Facebook argument I had about movies becoming politicized. So I was thinking, what if I was suddenly the CEO of a movie studio? What would I make the screenwriters do?)
ME: Hello everyone! Somehow, I'm the new CEO of this movie studio! I've called you all here today to tell you the studio is taking a new direction.
SCREENWRITERS: *Murmur, murmur, murmur...*
ME: Now, don't worry, we're just going to do a little writing exercise. Each of you has been given an index card on which you are going to write a simple movie pitch...that doesn't directly involve politics.
SCREENWRITERS: *MURMUR, MURMUR, MURMUR...*
SCREENWRITER 27: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS APOLITICAL ART!!!!!!!!
OTHER SCREENWRITERS: *CHEER WILDLY.*
ME: Well, that's clearly a popular view, but you are all writers, so use your imagination to imagine what apolitical art would be like if it did exist.
SCREENWRITER 27: WHAT CAN THAT LEAD TO EXCEPT THE TRIUMPH OF FASCISM?!
ME: I don't think a writing exercise will lead to the triumph of fascism.
SCREENWRITER 27: THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID IN 1930s GERMANY AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!!
ME: THEY DID NOT SAY THAT IN 1930s GER -- Look, we're just gonna try this, okay? We're not even gonna make these movies! It's just all in fun! You can write a romance or a comedy or --
SCREENWRITER 14: Can the romance be about a same-sex couple?
ME: Yes, absolutely!
SCREENWRITER 14: Can they have their meet-cute at a protest?
ME: No.
SCREENWRITER 14: But I met my boyfriend at a protest!
ME: I'm sure you did. Let's just get started and we'll see what we wind up with...
*The screenwriters take 2 hours to fill out the tiny index cards. They all look stressed. Some are weeping quietly.*
ME: Alright everyone, I've reviewed your cards. Here's a prime example. First sentence: "GENOCIDE." Second sentence: "CLIMATE CHANGE." Can you see how this doesn't follow the assignment?
SCREENWRITER 38: That one is mine! You only said it couldn't directly talk about politics! You didn't say it couldn't have THEMES!
ME: Yes, alright, that might be a valid point if A) you had a story...or characters...and B) if the rest of your card wasn't filled with the words "I HEART POLITICS!!!" in giant letters with little hearts floating all around it.
SCREENWRITER 38: I didn't know you meant all the way through! I thought after the first two sentences it would be okay!
ME: Okay, here's another: "Once Upon a Time, there was a Princess..." A promising start. "This is NOT her story. This is the story of a single mom, navigating the modern working world." Also totally fine. "Please see other side of card for her big, climactic Feminist speech." Ah, there it is! "Note: speech would be longer but Patriarchy didn't provide large enough card."
SCREENWRITER 9: It's a comedy, like you said! She punches up at the Patriarchy!
ME: Look, there's nothing inherently wrong with writing about politics. But what about all the rest of human experience?
SCREENWRITER 9: If I don't write about punching up at the Patriarchy, how can I write a comedy?!
ME: How about some witty banter?
SCREENWRITER 9: WHO THINKS ABOUT WITTY BANTER WHEN SOCIETY IS ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE?!
ME: *YOU!* YOU'RE A HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITER! THAT'S YOUR JOB! Okay...okay...I'll give you all one more chance. I'll pick one of you at random. If you can say one word...ONE WORD...even if it's TOTAL GIBBERISH...that has nothing to do with politics...I will keep you all employed at this studio. YOU!
SCREENWRITER 24:...
ME: ...
SCREENWRITER 24: ...
ME: ...
SCREENWRITER 24: Trump.
ME: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE! YOU'RE ALL FIRED!
SCREENWRITER 24: BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY ABOUT TRUMP!
ME: (Throws index cards on floor.) I DON'T CARE!!! GET OUT!!!
SCREENWRITERS: (Murmuring as they exit.) I don't understand...what did he want?! I told him there was no such thing as apolitical art, etc.
ME: (On intercom.) Maintenence, can you come in here?
*Janitor enters and begins sweeping up index cards.*
JANITOR: I hear you fired all the screenwriters. Is that true, sir?
ME: Yes.
JANITOR: Wow! You must have some fresh vision for this studio!
ME: Not really. In all my decades of criticizing movies, I've never written a screenplay of my own. Frankly, I don't even know how I got this job.
JANITOR: This may be inappropriate, but...I used to be a screenwriter before all this political crap got trendy. I even have an unproduced screenplay I wrote in 2008.
ME: IT'S GREENLIT! What's it about?
JANITOR: It's about a workaholic dad who keeps missing his son's baseball games until one day he gets turned into a dog who raps, farts and makes pop culture references.
ME: I may have spoken a bit hastily...
JANITOR: *Picks up random index card and shows it to me.*
ME: Replace the farts with witty banter and you've got yourself a deal
ME: Hello everyone! Somehow, I'm the new CEO of this movie studio! I've called you all here today to tell you the studio is taking a new direction.
SCREENWRITERS: *Murmur, murmur, murmur...*
ME: Now, don't worry, we're just going to do a little writing exercise. Each of you has been given an index card on which you are going to write a simple movie pitch...that doesn't directly involve politics.
SCREENWRITERS: *MURMUR, MURMUR, MURMUR...*
SCREENWRITER 27: THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS APOLITICAL ART!!!!!!!!
OTHER SCREENWRITERS: *CHEER WILDLY.*
ME: Well, that's clearly a popular view, but you are all writers, so use your imagination to imagine what apolitical art would be like if it did exist.
SCREENWRITER 27: WHAT CAN THAT LEAD TO EXCEPT THE TRIUMPH OF FASCISM?!
ME: I don't think a writing exercise will lead to the triumph of fascism.
SCREENWRITER 27: THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID IN 1930s GERMANY AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!!!
ME: THEY DID NOT SAY THAT IN 1930s GER -- Look, we're just gonna try this, okay? We're not even gonna make these movies! It's just all in fun! You can write a romance or a comedy or --
SCREENWRITER 14: Can the romance be about a same-sex couple?
ME: Yes, absolutely!
SCREENWRITER 14: Can they have their meet-cute at a protest?
ME: No.
SCREENWRITER 14: But I met my boyfriend at a protest!
ME: I'm sure you did. Let's just get started and we'll see what we wind up with...
*The screenwriters take 2 hours to fill out the tiny index cards. They all look stressed. Some are weeping quietly.*
ME: Alright everyone, I've reviewed your cards. Here's a prime example. First sentence: "GENOCIDE." Second sentence: "CLIMATE CHANGE." Can you see how this doesn't follow the assignment?
SCREENWRITER 38: That one is mine! You only said it couldn't directly talk about politics! You didn't say it couldn't have THEMES!
ME: Yes, alright, that might be a valid point if A) you had a story...or characters...and B) if the rest of your card wasn't filled with the words "I HEART POLITICS!!!" in giant letters with little hearts floating all around it.
SCREENWRITER 38: I didn't know you meant all the way through! I thought after the first two sentences it would be okay!
ME: Okay, here's another: "Once Upon a Time, there was a Princess..." A promising start. "This is NOT her story. This is the story of a single mom, navigating the modern working world." Also totally fine. "Please see other side of card for her big, climactic Feminist speech." Ah, there it is! "Note: speech would be longer but Patriarchy didn't provide large enough card."
SCREENWRITER 9: It's a comedy, like you said! She punches up at the Patriarchy!
ME: Look, there's nothing inherently wrong with writing about politics. But what about all the rest of human experience?
SCREENWRITER 9: If I don't write about punching up at the Patriarchy, how can I write a comedy?!
ME: How about some witty banter?
SCREENWRITER 9: WHO THINKS ABOUT WITTY BANTER WHEN SOCIETY IS ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE?!
ME: *YOU!* YOU'RE A HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITER! THAT'S YOUR JOB! Okay...okay...I'll give you all one more chance. I'll pick one of you at random. If you can say one word...ONE WORD...even if it's TOTAL GIBBERISH...that has nothing to do with politics...I will keep you all employed at this studio. YOU!
SCREENWRITER 24:...
ME: ...
SCREENWRITER 24: ...
ME: ...
SCREENWRITER 24: Trump.
ME: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE! YOU'RE ALL FIRED!
SCREENWRITER 24: BUT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY ABOUT TRUMP!
ME: (Throws index cards on floor.) I DON'T CARE!!! GET OUT!!!
SCREENWRITERS: (Murmuring as they exit.) I don't understand...what did he want?! I told him there was no such thing as apolitical art, etc.
ME: (On intercom.) Maintenence, can you come in here?
*Janitor enters and begins sweeping up index cards.*
JANITOR: I hear you fired all the screenwriters. Is that true, sir?
ME: Yes.
JANITOR: Wow! You must have some fresh vision for this studio!
ME: Not really. In all my decades of criticizing movies, I've never written a screenplay of my own. Frankly, I don't even know how I got this job.
JANITOR: This may be inappropriate, but...I used to be a screenwriter before all this political crap got trendy. I even have an unproduced screenplay I wrote in 2008.
ME: IT'S GREENLIT! What's it about?
JANITOR: It's about a workaholic dad who keeps missing his son's baseball games until one day he gets turned into a dog who raps, farts and makes pop culture references.
ME: I may have spoken a bit hastily...
JANITOR: *Picks up random index card and shows it to me.*
ME: Replace the farts with witty banter and you've got yourself a deal
And I realized: he's right!
Millions of black Americans, completely under the control of the Democrat party, judge him as an 'Uncle Tom,' for daring to work for the US government / Protect the United States / Represent American values.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuN.....I7Y&t=535s
That does sound like the kind of heavy-handed writing I'm talking about. I think they should have just had Sam Wilson (Mackie) take up the mantle of Captain America like it was no big deal, which it shouldn't be, instead of the studio making this big, self-important song-and-dance out of it.
However, I have to point out that by bringing up partisan politics, if you were one of the hypothetical screenwriters in this scenario, I'd have to fire you, too :D. Note that I included myself in the satire too, though, with me admitting that for all my criticism, I've never written a screenplay of my own.
*waits*
With the one screenwriter who says "Trump," my intent was to poke fun at the people who are so obsessed with politics, even when they're explicitly told not to talk about it, they can't even go one word without bringing it up. That's why I didn't go into what the screenwriter was going to say about Trump. Just the mere mention of anything political at that point was enough to send my stand-in character over the edge :D.
But enough about that. I just really want to say something. It might be very off topic but I think it's worth my saying it. I am in absolute love with your profile gif. Dalmatians, especially really muscular and male Dalmatians are my biggest weakness. Sorry if that's coming out of nowhere but I just feel like I have to say it now. He's just so.... well quite frankly hot. I'm sorry.