It's been a painful many years working the fuck out of improving myself into at least basic stability, but here I am, back on Furaffinity after being on a hiatus for more than half-a-decade now.

My life and my mental well-being already fell apart a year before Covid, and never really was that stable to begin with, but now I feel like I can finally kind of breath in my fucked-up life, living on my own and making my own money and having some distance from my troubled folks.

So here I am now. I joined the furry fandom in the early 2010s, it's been a disaster, but then again so has every other effort I've made to be a functional person among people. But only now am I stabilized and slowly building up as much of a life worth living as I can with the resources I got.

I've irreparably burned lots of bridges years ago, but that comes with the territory of how severely unstable, outright Ax-Crazy I was. Nothing I can do about it, I've finally moved on just like everyone else has moved on from me much more easily than my attachment-craving attention whore ass was able to. Y'all simply left me, time for me to finally move on myself, because can't fucking stop or settle with anyone or anything anywhere.

So here I am, back online, interacting with people after not having had any much more real help than touching grass, filled with all the little microplastics as it all is, like all life is now. Ain't the Anthropocene just grand?

It's been so fucking painful being part of the furry fandom, but then again so has every other dang-gone hobby of mine, any community I'd try to be part of, when I've lived a life where love = punishment and confinement, and trust is so fragile both ways so as to be barely worth seeking, but I do anyways like the socially-starved jackass monkey I am like any other person, which we still would be if we were all furries. Life is brutal beyond humanity, nature isn't some Disney-ass walk in the park, it's a never ending coliseum of bloodshed, to paraphrase either Richard Dawkins or Terry Pratchett. I disagree with a lot of their opinions, who cares, they're writers with spirit and passion I wish I had. And it's true that life sucks and then you die, to paraphrase Bill Hicks now.

Yeah I said and done lots of fucked up shit and treated good people horribly. I can't take it back, just move on from y'all like you all done from me treating y'all like shit. In the long run, that's how Richard Marcinko trained his troops when he started up the Navy SEALs during the Vietnam War in the 1960s, he flat-out threatened the lives of his recruits and their loved ones to see if they gave a shit about themselves and their lives and people they loved. Yes it's fucked up that I done that too. Yes, I'm permanently alienated from a lot of good people from keeping them on their toes that way and being a scary fucking fake-drill-sergeant military-wannabe cringelord. Boo fucking hoo, there's billions of people and everyone's replaceable, or so I found out the hard way. And no, I never meant to begin with to ever act on any of the idiotic violent shit I said years back, it's me and my own little-man chihuahua syndrome and my masochistic pathology of wanting to be hated, because love is scary and fragile.

Monologuing-into-the-void session over, back to enjoying some Crown Royal and then whatever I pick up from the liquor store next. I'm here for trying to have a good time, not a long time with all the bullshit I've lived with and through.

Nice to meet y'all, new people. If you're someone I've hurt/abused, forgive me or fuck off back to warning your friends and whatever bleeding-heart pity-party's been your emotional support team with all the emotional sore-spots and boo-boos I gave you. Or whatever the fuck, I don't care.