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1989 - 2009 (what the hell happened?)
16 years ago
Today happens to be my 4th anniversary here on FA. I wanted to do something special for it (I was thinking of recording a new version of one of my old songs), but the last month has been kind of crazy, and it just didn't happen. Last weekend my external hard drive got wiped clean in an incident that I still don't entirely understand, and I lost 200+ GB of music, movies and pics. I'm getting advice from several people about things I can do to try to recover the data, but it's hard to know whose advice to follow when you don't know anything about computers, and everyone tells you something a little different. I'll try something soon, but as of right now, I don't know what. All I know is that part of me is afraid to get my hopes up again.
Aaaanyway, this seems about as good a time as any to write a little something that I wanted to make sure I did by the end of the year.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about 1989, since this year was its 20-year anniversary. 1989 was one of the banner years in my life. Looking back now, it seems almost impossible that so much was packed into such a short time. I turned 18 in March of that year, graduated from high school in June, and started college in September. I also got my first job that year, at a local supermarket. This opened up my social life beyond my high school, where I wasn't exactly popular. But now, suddenly I had something to do and someone to hang out with almost every night. It was also just about the only period of my life where I felt like I was actually datable lol. I was later told that just about every girl I worked with then had a crush on me. I only dated a couple of them, but between that and a slight upturn in my social status at school, I did more dating that year than ever before, or since.
It was also probably the most creative time in my life, as throughout all of the activity above, I somehow managed to record no less than 9 full-length 'albums' and 2 EPs either by myself, or with my friends and my brother. I'm not saying it was all fantastic, but out of that material I could easily assemble a couple of hours' worth of recordings that I consider 'classics' in their own twisted way, and to which I still very much enjoy listening.
Flash forward 20 years to today. I haven't had a job in a couple of years. I haven't had a relationship in even longer. Yeah, I have friends, but I spend the majority of my time by myself and it's not uncommon for me to go a considerable amount of time without seeing some of them. And on the music front, it's coming up on 2 years since I've recorded anything new.
What the hell happened?
Looking back now, it's hard to believe that that was actually me. Or, maybe, it's hard to believe that this is me now. I had problems with depression back then too, but I didn't let them control my life. I'm not sure exactly when that changed. But even though I know that everybody changes over time, the differences between 1989 me and 2009 me are staggering. I should've grown as a person, but instead I've regressed.
It can't continue. If I don't make some positive changes in 2010, then I might as well give up completely. It's just that there's so much fear in me, and it holds me back. If you asked me what it is that I'm so afraid of, I couldn't even tell you. I'm afraid of failure... but I'm perhaps even more afraid of success, because I've come to think of success as nothing more than a temporary precursor to failure. And falling down hurts a lot more the higher up you do it from.
Somehow I have to fight past that fear. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I have to. It's as necessary to my survival as the air that I'm breathing right now.
I wish everyone a better year in 2010 than they had this year.
Aaaanyway, this seems about as good a time as any to write a little something that I wanted to make sure I did by the end of the year.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about 1989, since this year was its 20-year anniversary. 1989 was one of the banner years in my life. Looking back now, it seems almost impossible that so much was packed into such a short time. I turned 18 in March of that year, graduated from high school in June, and started college in September. I also got my first job that year, at a local supermarket. This opened up my social life beyond my high school, where I wasn't exactly popular. But now, suddenly I had something to do and someone to hang out with almost every night. It was also just about the only period of my life where I felt like I was actually datable lol. I was later told that just about every girl I worked with then had a crush on me. I only dated a couple of them, but between that and a slight upturn in my social status at school, I did more dating that year than ever before, or since.
It was also probably the most creative time in my life, as throughout all of the activity above, I somehow managed to record no less than 9 full-length 'albums' and 2 EPs either by myself, or with my friends and my brother. I'm not saying it was all fantastic, but out of that material I could easily assemble a couple of hours' worth of recordings that I consider 'classics' in their own twisted way, and to which I still very much enjoy listening.
Flash forward 20 years to today. I haven't had a job in a couple of years. I haven't had a relationship in even longer. Yeah, I have friends, but I spend the majority of my time by myself and it's not uncommon for me to go a considerable amount of time without seeing some of them. And on the music front, it's coming up on 2 years since I've recorded anything new.
What the hell happened?
Looking back now, it's hard to believe that that was actually me. Or, maybe, it's hard to believe that this is me now. I had problems with depression back then too, but I didn't let them control my life. I'm not sure exactly when that changed. But even though I know that everybody changes over time, the differences between 1989 me and 2009 me are staggering. I should've grown as a person, but instead I've regressed.
It can't continue. If I don't make some positive changes in 2010, then I might as well give up completely. It's just that there's so much fear in me, and it holds me back. If you asked me what it is that I'm so afraid of, I couldn't even tell you. I'm afraid of failure... but I'm perhaps even more afraid of success, because I've come to think of success as nothing more than a temporary precursor to failure. And falling down hurts a lot more the higher up you do it from.
Somehow I have to fight past that fear. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I have to. It's as necessary to my survival as the air that I'm breathing right now.
I wish everyone a better year in 2010 than they had this year.
I just hope you can somehow make this year better than the last. If you need a hand I'll always be around. Take care.