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One year later
6 months ago
I'm still where I was a year ago despite all the struggling and fussing to hopefully change. I haven't been able to bring myself to draw, write, or RP; I haven't been able to settle on a fursona; I haven't gotten a job or overcome my fear of driving; I haven't resolved my uncertainty regarding the Church.
Seems like, if anything, I've only become more unstable and more distant with my friends.
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The plan to be a squid dog for the sake of being fun and accessible has failed. For the month or so that I managed to stick with it, there was fun to be had. Being made of goo answered those perplexing questions like "How do I explain size-changing?" or "How do I explain not dying or being in horrific pain when interacting with macros?" and so on. But despite the fun, there was a cancer growing in the form of discontentment with how... shallow it was. I felt no personal connection to the squid dog idea and liked it only because it allowed me to indulge in fun things very easily. But any time I found myself longing for something deeper or more meaningful, I simply couldn't reconcile that desire with having a fursona that was built from the ground up for hee-hoo smoothbrain fun time.
One would assume, then, that the answer to the problem is to go in the opposite direction; to sacrifice convenience and pursue a design that has more depth and meaning. But the issue there, though, is we end up back where I was four (or five..?) years ago: my brain kills whatever fun I'm trying to have by pestering me with questions or statements that revolve around "How is this supposed to work? That won't work. How do we explain this? That explanation isn't good enough".
I know that dealing with the root of the problem would resolve the symptoms but after two years of trying to work with a therapist to deal with this overthinking or inability to suspend my disbelief... nothing. It's like I'm being forced by God himself to choose between having fun but feeling empty and unfulfilled... or having a sense of fulfillment and meaning that I can never really capitalize on because I can't DO anything with it.
I'm losing my mind, assuming I haven't lost it already. I don't know what to do. My friends have exhausted themselves trying to help. My therapist has run out of ideas. I've tried several different medications at different doses. Make it stop.
Seems like, if anything, I've only become more unstable and more distant with my friends.
---
The plan to be a squid dog for the sake of being fun and accessible has failed. For the month or so that I managed to stick with it, there was fun to be had. Being made of goo answered those perplexing questions like "How do I explain size-changing?" or "How do I explain not dying or being in horrific pain when interacting with macros?" and so on. But despite the fun, there was a cancer growing in the form of discontentment with how... shallow it was. I felt no personal connection to the squid dog idea and liked it only because it allowed me to indulge in fun things very easily. But any time I found myself longing for something deeper or more meaningful, I simply couldn't reconcile that desire with having a fursona that was built from the ground up for hee-hoo smoothbrain fun time.
One would assume, then, that the answer to the problem is to go in the opposite direction; to sacrifice convenience and pursue a design that has more depth and meaning. But the issue there, though, is we end up back where I was four (or five..?) years ago: my brain kills whatever fun I'm trying to have by pestering me with questions or statements that revolve around "How is this supposed to work? That won't work. How do we explain this? That explanation isn't good enough".
I know that dealing with the root of the problem would resolve the symptoms but after two years of trying to work with a therapist to deal with this overthinking or inability to suspend my disbelief... nothing. It's like I'm being forced by God himself to choose between having fun but feeling empty and unfulfilled... or having a sense of fulfillment and meaning that I can never really capitalize on because I can't DO anything with it.
I'm losing my mind, assuming I haven't lost it already. I don't know what to do. My friends have exhausted themselves trying to help. My therapist has run out of ideas. I've tried several different medications at different doses. Make it stop.
