forgive me for the lack of updates lately!

I have been actively working on getting an appointment with a psychiatrist for the past few days. My mental health kinda sucks.
I received my antidepressants today and I am very happy that I will be able to continue my treatment. So far, the two psychiatrists I have worked with have suggested that I have a diagnosis of BPD. One of them was from another dispensary, a more experienced woman, and the other was my psychiatrist-in-training, very nice! later I will transfer to the doctor who sees my boyfriend (his mom and two ex-partners lmao). I really wanted to get to her right away, but due to difficulties with registration in the city, I had a difficult conversation with the head of the department.

In the future, I plan to visit a day hospital, take neuroleptics, antidepressants and normothymics to stabilize my condition. I think I really don't want to end up in a loop and I'm glad I have people around me who can push me to solve the problem of having a hard time getting out of bed to wash my face.

I needed these few days of break to come to my senses, and I'm still resting. This condition is just awful and it came over me suddenly. I just... realized that I don't want anything at all. and this doesn't apply at all to everything that my life consists of.

I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to go out, I don't want to move, I don't want to talk, I don't want to think, I don't want to go home, I don't want to be outside the house, I don't want to see my pets, I don't want to communicate with people, I don't want love from a partner, I don't want to give it and receive it, I don't want to play what I loved, I don't want to work, I don't want to draw, I don't want to see anything, I don't want to clean up my house.

like. I don't want anything in any sense of the word.

yesterday I just abruptly left the computer club (where my boyfriend and I couldn't get in because of his work schedule and I waited for it for a very long time), and we went home. I came and went to bed. My boyfriend woke me up and fed me, and then I fell asleep again.
Today I found the strength to visit a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist. and the initial session took 2 hours instead of the basic academic one.

Now I'm lying with my partner, spending the day in bed again. He's taken over all my duties while I get myself together. We're watching Naruto and drinking matcha.

And tomorrow? Tomorrow, perhaps, I will wake up without the desire to fall asleep and never wake up.