Imagine taking a 14-book epic full of prophecy, dread, political intrigue, and rich world-building—and then feeding it into a magic blender that turns everything into CW-tier melodrama and wigs from the Spirit Halloween clearance bin.

I swear half these characters are cosplaying Tumblr headcanons of themselves. Everyone’s hair looks like it’s been mousse’d by a time traveler from 2006. The dialogue has been reduced to “I’m sad and mysterious,” “No I’m sad and mysterious,” and “Let’s dramatically whisper about destiny while standing in the rain.”

Robert Jordan’s ghost is doing laps around the Pattern like it’s a NASCAR track.

They took a complex, slow-burn fantasy about the cyclical nature of time, power, and gender, and gave it the same emotional depth as a bad Shadowhunters episode. And I like trash TV—but this ain’t even good trash. This is trash that smells like it knows better.

Anyway. If you need me, I’ll be in the corner rereading the actual books and muttering “Ta’veren my ass” under my breath.

(Also, how dare they do Lan like that. Unforgivable.)