Hello everyone, I hope you're all well and keeping cool in the summer temperatures. I just wanted to stop by here to just fill in everyone on how it's going. It's not very good so don't read further if you're in no mood to hear negativity.

I've been making little to no progress on anything I've wanted to throughout July because of circumstances out of my hands (of course). I'll be pushing further and reaching out in the next few days, pushing my fear back down and going full force forward. It's a very defeating feeling. It's really, REALLY hard to get out of bed nowadays but due to my nature I do it anyways. If something hurts so bad, I do it anyways. Always.

I don't know how people can have a clear conscious and do things that they do. I can't bring myself to do anything really. If it's not worrying or forcing myself to get things done I don't really know what to do or how to do it. I don't have free money so I can't just go out and do things? I just don't understand it.

Mentally I'm in a pretty bad place right now, but physically I have also been pretty bad. I had to go to the hospital again today to get some things done and of course I had to drop money I don't have to go get stupid overpriced garbage from the pharmacy. I know it's not garbage but it makes me mad how expensive things are. ESPECIALLY GROCERIES, my fucking word are they expensive as shit. I don't plan to come back early before August but it hurts me to feel like I might have to at some point come back earlier than I had intended.

But it's whatever, I'm still pushing for it and I really want to get through it but it's tough as fuck. Especially since it's pretty much just me and my cat (I consider him my only blood family to feel just a little better about it). Someday I wish for a place in life to feel comfortable. To feel a little less alone. And maybe to just actually care about myself for once. I miss myself. I miss a lot of things.

Sorry for the pretty negative update, I just really thought about screaming into the void or anything since it spilled over a little bit. Don't worry too much about me, I am monitored 24/7 for the most part and I attend therapy (while also regularly taking medication) so I'm fine. It just sucks to feel like I can't be distraught about my situation.