FA+
Shop
[vent]
3 months ago
// Abuse, physical and mental abuse//
I really don't understand why I'm treated like garbage.
I don't know whats wrong with me. And I know there IS something wrong with me. My brain doesn't work right. If there's too much going on it shuts down. Too many people talking or moving around. Too many people talking to me. I don't know how to answer. I still can work. But I don't know what to say. My parents knew there was something wrong with me. The school told them that. But I was never tested. I was labeled as special needs by the school, but I was able to work and did better by figuring things out for myself. I could talk to my friends well enough. I was just a weird kid I guess.
I can't drive. My brain shuts down. I get scared. I am dependent on my mom and I'm a grown adult. I can take care of myself but I can't drive. My mom takes all my money. Keeps me in debt. My teeth are a mess. My grandpa passed away and left me some stock. She's taken almost all of it after burning through hers while being addicted to the lottery. She's a narcissist. But she was abused too by my dad. My dad almost killed her several times.
I could have moved with my friends, but I worried about her. I was worried that she would become homeless because of how many loans and things she has out...How much money she puts into the lottery.
i just want to do my art and find a way out. She hates me and I dpnt understand why. I just want to live and be happy. I don't have enough money to get away. I have too many cats to take care of.
I don't know what to do. I need help but I don't know what avenue to go down. My dream is to have a house with my friends. A catio. A place to adopt these cats out. I think I want to help animals.
I want to work on my art. I want to be better at art. I want to love myself. But she says everything mean about me. She tears me down. ANd it hurts. She phsyically and mentally abuses me. Sometimes its not all the time. Sometimes its a long time before it happens. I'm 35. I don't know. I don't know why I'm putting my buisness out here. I know people love me. I know maybe one day I will be happy. I don't want to give up I want to see me happy. Please let me be happy one day.
I might delete this whenever I wake up. I'm not going to do anything bad to myself. I refuse to give up on myself. I refuse to let these things make me not go on. I will get through it some how. I just need to vent. I always start to write these things and I feel like oh. Why would anyone care. Everyone has problems. The world is a shit show. My problems aren't as bad as someone elses. I don't know.
I don't know.
I really don't understand why I'm treated like garbage.
I don't know whats wrong with me. And I know there IS something wrong with me. My brain doesn't work right. If there's too much going on it shuts down. Too many people talking or moving around. Too many people talking to me. I don't know how to answer. I still can work. But I don't know what to say. My parents knew there was something wrong with me. The school told them that. But I was never tested. I was labeled as special needs by the school, but I was able to work and did better by figuring things out for myself. I could talk to my friends well enough. I was just a weird kid I guess.
I can't drive. My brain shuts down. I get scared. I am dependent on my mom and I'm a grown adult. I can take care of myself but I can't drive. My mom takes all my money. Keeps me in debt. My teeth are a mess. My grandpa passed away and left me some stock. She's taken almost all of it after burning through hers while being addicted to the lottery. She's a narcissist. But she was abused too by my dad. My dad almost killed her several times.
I could have moved with my friends, but I worried about her. I was worried that she would become homeless because of how many loans and things she has out...How much money she puts into the lottery.
i just want to do my art and find a way out. She hates me and I dpnt understand why. I just want to live and be happy. I don't have enough money to get away. I have too many cats to take care of.
I don't know what to do. I need help but I don't know what avenue to go down. My dream is to have a house with my friends. A catio. A place to adopt these cats out. I think I want to help animals.
I want to work on my art. I want to be better at art. I want to love myself. But she says everything mean about me. She tears me down. ANd it hurts. She phsyically and mentally abuses me. Sometimes its not all the time. Sometimes its a long time before it happens. I'm 35. I don't know. I don't know why I'm putting my buisness out here. I know people love me. I know maybe one day I will be happy. I don't want to give up I want to see me happy. Please let me be happy one day.
I might delete this whenever I wake up. I'm not going to do anything bad to myself. I refuse to give up on myself. I refuse to let these things make me not go on. I will get through it some how. I just need to vent. I always start to write these things and I feel like oh. Why would anyone care. Everyone has problems. The world is a shit show. My problems aren't as bad as someone elses. I don't know.
I don't know.
I had to surrender a foster that was left in my care unexpectedly. The choice was mine, and I do understand the pain of having too many animals realistically in your space. It may be realistic to surrender some of your animals if able (unless you are super rural) to cut down on animal care expenses so you can put more away to escape this enviroment that is draining you.
You dont want to let this keep pushing another 5 years and be 40. You can be happy. But you have to have enough iron to help forge the circumstances for success that makes you feel accomplished. I don't sense this being possible if your mom is constantly putting you down. I hope you stay safe.
The enviroment I live in now I thought I would be trapped forever and die in. For 15 years or so. But times change. It can get better. You have to believe it can, and create the circumstances for the belief to keep going, even when sick and tired of being sick and tired. Then one day....you realize how far you came from that ....awful bottom pit. It doesnt matter if you arent all the way out, but when you are....forgive yourself for the time lost to life scenarios that were out of your control or evolved due to neglect and generational trauma. Keep your head on your shoulders out there. You can make it. You will work with animals if your passion shoots true. Good luck!
I do like to believe it will get better. Things won't always be like this, but its hard for me to not be pessimistic and say things to myself like 'well, that's true, they can get worse.' Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you very much.