it's surprising when I look at old stuff I've made (old, in this context, can range anywhere from 'a week ago' to 'decades ago'). a lot of the time i'll look at it and see nothing but stuff I want to fix.

Similarly, like many of us are apt to do, I typically trap myself into mourning a life I haven't lived. "I'd handle that situation much differently if it happened now" ; "If only I'd said ' xyz ' instead of ' yyz ' ". It's all for nothing.

i spent 2022 really building myself and growing in really positive ways. I'd had a significant period of change, followed by another significant period of change, on top of a significant period of change. I'd been married for 3 years by this point, coming out the other end of COVID after moving to a new country. Prior to this, I had been existing solely inside my mind. I forgot I even went up there, must've been to get something that was important at the time before I just wondered off and got lost.

My partner has been, and continues to be, incredibly patient and helpful. I found something I could apply myself to, and could see consistent improvement and momentum. Bit by bit, I started climbing out. I was finally able to start exploring parts of my own being I previously had seemed to not have had the ability to. All the lives I hadn't lived were no longer important, only the one in front of me was what mattered. I was finally in control. I was finally alive.

Looking back , and seeing nothing but mistakes, while painful, is at the very least a sign of growth. A signpost to remind you of change. All you can do is carry it forwards, in the eventual or improbable case of a 'next time'.

Things kept getting better. My brother came to visit me. I got a new job. Everything was gonna be alright. I needed everyone to know.

And then I remembered what trapped me in my mind.