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Self-Improvement Journal: Update #2
2 weeks ago
You're actually going to read this? I admire you
This one hurt...
I struggled for a while on what I should and shouldn't say in this one. I had a lot of uncomfortable revelations today. And there is so much I want to just blurt out to the public. But I should hold my tongue on most of it.
Today I talked about the relationships I've had in my life. Talking about my family was nothing new. My parents never really supported or encouraged me, constantly compared me to my more successful cousins, continue to make my life a living hell even though I'm a grown ass adult. Nothing new there.
What was eye opening was talking about my ex-boyfriend, and how awful of a relationship I actually had with him was. This involved explaining to my therapist a lot of the intricacies of the furry fandom, which was really weird. But in return, she explained that it sounded like what I was describing was not a loving relationship, but a borderline abusive one.
I would love to just dump out every example I have of what he did to me that I just turned a blind eye to because I just wanted to believe that someone loved me. But the truth is the blame is on me. I was a fool turning a blind eye to his behaviors, putting him on a pedestal. I seem to have a repeating behavior for letting toxic people into my life and letting them take advantage of me.
This all feels like a giant step backwards to me. I feel less trusting, and even a bit traumatized after one realization. But I have been reassured that sometimes we have to take a step backward to take two steps forward. Even though I don't feel like moving forward today. She gave me suggestions on how to improve things for myself, even though it all sounds awful.
Everything feels numb right now. I might sleep for a few days. If anyone wants more details, you know where to find me...
I struggled for a while on what I should and shouldn't say in this one. I had a lot of uncomfortable revelations today. And there is so much I want to just blurt out to the public. But I should hold my tongue on most of it.
Today I talked about the relationships I've had in my life. Talking about my family was nothing new. My parents never really supported or encouraged me, constantly compared me to my more successful cousins, continue to make my life a living hell even though I'm a grown ass adult. Nothing new there.
What was eye opening was talking about my ex-boyfriend, and how awful of a relationship I actually had with him was. This involved explaining to my therapist a lot of the intricacies of the furry fandom, which was really weird. But in return, she explained that it sounded like what I was describing was not a loving relationship, but a borderline abusive one.
I would love to just dump out every example I have of what he did to me that I just turned a blind eye to because I just wanted to believe that someone loved me. But the truth is the blame is on me. I was a fool turning a blind eye to his behaviors, putting him on a pedestal. I seem to have a repeating behavior for letting toxic people into my life and letting them take advantage of me.
This all feels like a giant step backwards to me. I feel less trusting, and even a bit traumatized after one realization. But I have been reassured that sometimes we have to take a step backward to take two steps forward. Even though I don't feel like moving forward today. She gave me suggestions on how to improve things for myself, even though it all sounds awful.
Everything feels numb right now. I might sleep for a few days. If anyone wants more details, you know where to find me...
