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3 days ago
Aaaand... I've hit a low again. How wonderful... Autism+disability+not having any family or safe space to be 100% authentic+constantly being rejected or too much or broken in need of fixing+always alone... fucking sucks.
The number of thoughts going through my head, feelings... the amount of education and information... *sigh* I don't feel good, not even close. Ask me how I'm doing directly and I'll mask that I'm fine and just surviving, as to not be a bother, or needy, or greedy, even when I'm crying amd dying inside. Talk to me about getting or seeking help, I already know that, it's not the only thing I need; love is. Unconditional love helps with healing. Go look up how autism impacts communication and relationships, and bonding habits, as well as how rejection, isolation, ableism, and labels impact their mental health and emotions.
Eh whatever... really, I should've never even been born... not even a happy accident. Just a straight up mistake pregnancy. Everything about my life and existence is a fucking mistake everyone seems to regret no matter what. Home and family... yeah no one wants to be, no matter how much I give, or love. Emotionally imprint, doesn't matter, lose that home anyway. Why the fuck am I even alive for? The fuck is this lifestyle, and life of never having a home, security, comfort, place or person to return to in better or worse, i had it actually, it just left. Not as a child, teenager, young adult, or adult. Yippee, I got material possessions... so fucking what, they give about as much comfort as giving a crying baby a cactus to hug and suckle on
The number of thoughts going through my head, feelings... the amount of education and information... *sigh* I don't feel good, not even close. Ask me how I'm doing directly and I'll mask that I'm fine and just surviving, as to not be a bother, or needy, or greedy, even when I'm crying amd dying inside. Talk to me about getting or seeking help, I already know that, it's not the only thing I need; love is. Unconditional love helps with healing. Go look up how autism impacts communication and relationships, and bonding habits, as well as how rejection, isolation, ableism, and labels impact their mental health and emotions.
Eh whatever... really, I should've never even been born... not even a happy accident. Just a straight up mistake pregnancy. Everything about my life and existence is a fucking mistake everyone seems to regret no matter what. Home and family... yeah no one wants to be, no matter how much I give, or love. Emotionally imprint, doesn't matter, lose that home anyway. Why the fuck am I even alive for? The fuck is this lifestyle, and life of never having a home, security, comfort, place or person to return to in better or worse, i had it actually, it just left. Not as a child, teenager, young adult, or adult. Yippee, I got material possessions... so fucking what, they give about as much comfort as giving a crying baby a cactus to hug and suckle on
As for family issues I am no expert but just takes the same thought, take a step back and think, write a list or two. And figure out things on a logical level. IF not a moral level. IT will hopefully help.
If you are willing to listen. the temporary is nice to have and enjoy. But realize that the temporary will turn to dust in the future. and only you and those you help, befriend, and help grow will be left.
At least till digital ID gets forced upon us,
Doesn't seem like it from all the bitching and pain, but I am, it's just deep deep grief, which isn't abnormal
All things considered, not much to fix. I ain't perfect, ik that. But I don't bury my head in the sand and ignore personal conflicts that need resolution either, and as such, considered healthy. Being bitchy is both grief, and also seeing what others prefer to ignore
Bit of a tangent ig. Yay autism
Even through friends and family. You can talk with them see if they will agree, or not. then of course let them be aware of happenings. But once that is over... you can't do more. As for personal pain. I am not sure what pain you have, if its medical. if there is nothing more to do about it. Then sadly you have to live with it. if not, well I mean there is therapy at least if you have someone that tries and doesn't just dump a book into your pocket and says that's good enough.
Or one that prescribes an insane dose of Redlin.
But talking about things does help since it can organize what is the pain and see if it is a pain or just a complaint that can be sated.
Though I could be wrong depending on the... person in question.
And the history between you and them.
Will not pry since I am not a psychologist myself.
the best I can suggest is find someone to get consoling from besides myself who isn't even certified for it. Therapy is the next step after that. Just hope you can find comfort and release that is good.
I have a lot of freedom to study psychology for... reasons, and psychology is fascinating
I myself, I could try and say I have deep bonds. But then I look at it and said losses I have gotten over cause they were expected. Death being a hard taker. Though in this case there is closer through the Bible and Christ. That this isn't the last. But just a small portion of the potential life ahead.
So Not sure what the loss was, but will offer what I can in comfort. Besides offer what can be offered besides.
Interesting to learn autism has that sort of effect in it