Sometimes I sit there like some melodramatic tarot witch staring into the void and thinking about all the little sliding-doors moments in my life. All the people I could have clicked with if I’d just swallowed the weird feeling in my throat and gone “sure babe let’s trauma-bond over nothing”. And for like two seconds I wonder if I missed out on a thousand possible universes where I’m less lonely, less guarded, less… me.

But then I remember the actual reason I bounced. The specific moment someone said a Thing or did a Thing that set off that tiny internal klaxon that goes “honey no”. I remember the micro second of ickness where my brain quietly pushed the big red button that says “do not engage” while my heart was still trying to understand the vibes. And I’m like oh. Right. There it is. Pattern recognition. The universe’s little built-in bullshit detector chirping like an angry smoke alarm.

People act like instincts are some flaky woo-woo nonsense but no. Feelings are just the emotional subtitles for what the brain has already clocked in the background. The vibes are the message. My subconscious sees the shape of the behaviour before I’ve even poured the tea. And every time I’ve ignored that weird shiver of nope I’ve paid for it in emotional blood and stupid regrets. Every single time. My gut has a better track record than any man I’ve ever known.

So yeah sometimes I think maybe I should have been softer or more open or tried harder to connect with whatever lukewarm goblin energy someone was serving that day. But then someone does something off, even a little off, and that feeling slams back into me like oh sweetie no you were RIGHT. Throw more walls up. Stack them high. Cement them. Install a moat. Stock the moat with crocodiles. This is not cynicism. This is survival.

Because the truth is I don’t step back because I’m scared of connection. I step back because my brain is doing advanced calculus on the fly and whispering hey babe we have seen this species of disaster before. We know how this goes. And the older I get the more I trust that instinct. Not everyone who gives you a weird feeling is a villain but every villain gives you a weird feeling.

So no I shouldn’t have lowered the walls earlier. I shouldn’t now. I shouldn’t in the future. I am not meant to be wandering into every social circle like some wide eyed anime protagonist learning the power of friendship. Sometimes the pattern is the warning. Sometimes the discomfort is the wisdom. And sometimes the best thing you can do for your own safety is listen to that gut voice saying babe please I am begging you put up a fuckton more walls.