i normally write things like this in my journal but for some reason it feels fitting to post this here. i am an associative thinker so if my thoughts sound jumbled/borderline nonsensical that is why.

i have a habit of looking at old posts made by old accounts on the internet. old art especially. i've done this for many many years at this point. i feel envious of these people. but envy can mean something destructive and thats not what i mean at all. well... i actually used to act out and hurt my friends who i was jealous of when i was really young. but im adult and im past that behavior now. nowadays its more like a sad feeling. i feel sad about not having close-knit friendships like the ones they have. they seem shameless about their art and interests and love to express themselves. they seem invested into their own lives. they have something to look forward to and they feel they belong in a community. they seem well-liked and respected. they're affectionate with each other. not to mention that they are not in the closet. they have normal people problems instead of the ones i have. they don't seem like they lost hope in themselves. in spite of everything, they seem happy.

i am an adult now. i can do whatever i want without my horrible parents stifling me. i could do these things, if i wanted to. but i feel like the time is gone. its too late. society has changed too much and the imprints have been made on me. im not sure how much of this is me dooming or me being realistic about my c-ptsd symptoms. but it feels horrible knowing that going to cons and halloween events with my irls was something i should have started doing 10+++ years ago. i go out with my friends and i dont feel excited or happy about anything. i dont know what to feel. i dont know how to behave. so much time has passed and what have i done? i have no happy childhood memories. i just have memories of being sexually abused, having my emotions ignored, and being told i wasnt worth anything.