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I little about me...
18 years ago
General
I've become numb to sex. Oddly enough, for someone that comes off as a whore like I do, it just doesn't sound right. To explain, I really don't crave "sex". It's been seen by many of my friends on the fact that I'm not craving sex, but more or less "love".
It almost can relate to why some 12-14 year old girls want to have sex with older men. It's because they crave the love that they never got from their father. Albeit they weren't craving sexual love, but just more of a nurturing love. Now, before you assume that it's because "my father didn't love me" or something, it's not. My family has given me so much throughout my life, I couldn't be any more grateful than to have such a wonderful group of people to call my own.
What I'm trying to say is that every time I have a feeling for something to be shoved up my butt, it isn't so much a sexual urge. My mind pretty much lumps "sex" and "love" into the same exact category. Sometimes I'm able to block out the "love" section and just go with it and get off, but most of the time I just really can't get off until I block that out. Sometimes I need to lure myself into a false sense of love in order for me to get off at all, so in the end I seem to be confused.
In short, I hate sex if there is no love involved. It may feel good for the first hour, but after that I just get depressed something hardcore.
I haven't been in a relationship in nearly 7 months. I've been actively looking for someone, and yet every time I find someone I either take too long to actually tell them that I have an interest, find out that in the meantime they are fucking someone else, find out that they once had a feeling for me but had given up on me, or that the feeling is not mutual.
The fact is that I really can't stand "hooking up" anymore. It just pisses me off, because I go looking for love, get sex, and nothing else. I don't know about it, but I seriously doubt why I'm in the fandom anymore. I mean, I could look for a good non-furry boyfriend in my area, but it's all ugly-ass faggots and 40-year old chickenhawks. I'm not into that kinda shit.
The sad thing about me is how I play with facades all the time. I hide behind a mask because I don't want to show my true insides, being a very loving and caring individual who will do anything to have a friend. The worse part is how people would prey upon people like me and then use them.
All people like me ask for is appreciation. You know, positive re-enforcement like "You know, we really like having you around" and shit like that. Make you feel wanted and make you feel closer to those people that you care for. I can't even get that sometimes.
All I really need right now is someone for me to care for. I want to look forward to getting off of work to go see someone. I want to be able to go out to a movie and not have to sit alone like I have so many times before. I want to be able to actually go out and hold hands with someone that I love.
But it seems that all people have to offer anymore is a bed, a rubber (if that) and a lubed-up asshole rather than a hand. I'm not fucking like that anymore.
It almost can relate to why some 12-14 year old girls want to have sex with older men. It's because they crave the love that they never got from their father. Albeit they weren't craving sexual love, but just more of a nurturing love. Now, before you assume that it's because "my father didn't love me" or something, it's not. My family has given me so much throughout my life, I couldn't be any more grateful than to have such a wonderful group of people to call my own.
What I'm trying to say is that every time I have a feeling for something to be shoved up my butt, it isn't so much a sexual urge. My mind pretty much lumps "sex" and "love" into the same exact category. Sometimes I'm able to block out the "love" section and just go with it and get off, but most of the time I just really can't get off until I block that out. Sometimes I need to lure myself into a false sense of love in order for me to get off at all, so in the end I seem to be confused.
In short, I hate sex if there is no love involved. It may feel good for the first hour, but after that I just get depressed something hardcore.
I haven't been in a relationship in nearly 7 months. I've been actively looking for someone, and yet every time I find someone I either take too long to actually tell them that I have an interest, find out that in the meantime they are fucking someone else, find out that they once had a feeling for me but had given up on me, or that the feeling is not mutual.
The fact is that I really can't stand "hooking up" anymore. It just pisses me off, because I go looking for love, get sex, and nothing else. I don't know about it, but I seriously doubt why I'm in the fandom anymore. I mean, I could look for a good non-furry boyfriend in my area, but it's all ugly-ass faggots and 40-year old chickenhawks. I'm not into that kinda shit.
The sad thing about me is how I play with facades all the time. I hide behind a mask because I don't want to show my true insides, being a very loving and caring individual who will do anything to have a friend. The worse part is how people would prey upon people like me and then use them.
All people like me ask for is appreciation. You know, positive re-enforcement like "You know, we really like having you around" and shit like that. Make you feel wanted and make you feel closer to those people that you care for. I can't even get that sometimes.
All I really need right now is someone for me to care for. I want to look forward to getting off of work to go see someone. I want to be able to go out to a movie and not have to sit alone like I have so many times before. I want to be able to actually go out and hold hands with someone that I love.
But it seems that all people have to offer anymore is a bed, a rubber (if that) and a lubed-up asshole rather than a hand. I'm not fucking like that anymore.
If you want a friend, then I can be a good one.
That's all I have to say.
I've been actively, more or less, looking for over three years. My problem is that I'll find someone I -really- like... and they're already taken. I've waited on a couple of them... But before I could so much as smile and say anything to 'em after they broke from the relationship, they'd already gone and hooked up with somebody else. What a slap in the face.
I've looked outside of furry for relationships too... But the gay population here isn't any better. Worse, often... At least with furry, I and anyone in it at least have common interests right off the back, and I don't seem to get judged as often.
It's a shitty world, where most aren't willing to take things slow and show some actual love.
Eventhough I got a mate, I might as well not cause he is rarely online, and lives far from me kinda. It's hard to feel much love there sometimes cause he is so busy getting an actual life finally. And also despite having a mate too, I do know what it feels like to search high and low for a mate, and all that is in a relationship is want of sex, there is no love. And I myself have several times waited to long to tell some one how I felt, just to find I am too late. Or even find there is a loss of interest on one of our parts, while an interest from the other person grows stronger when it is too late to start soemthing, and prolly never will even in the future. I have even come across a few peopel that didn't feel mutually back, and soem how the fact that they don't want me makes me want to be with them more and jsut prolonging pain that comes from it.
And the fact you even mention the word 'mask' is strange, cause I also know all to well about hiding behind a mask for others; just to in the end, be used and abused. Mroe than once, peope lahve come runnign to me for help, all depressed, I make them feel better, and the first thing they do is go run off to play video games, or go to a friends house, or what ever and don't even bother to see if I couldn't use some comforting myself. Lately, I have been over stressed, and spread thin cause of stuff lie kthat kinda, what makes it worse is when I want to help some one, and they won't let me in to help; then just suffer while I am forced to watch them hurt. And it isn't till I actually break down and come off as an overly emo and annoying fuck that people finally relized I am hurting sometimes.
*Hugs tightly* And I definatly appreaciate you, and like having you around. I enjoyed the night I spent with you tonight and hope to spend more time with you soon. Plus, I need some one to help corrupt the straight ferret more slowly. ;3 I know he won't crack easy, but in time I feel like he will eventually cracks so long as he is around people to corrupt him. I got a good feel he is bi, just really shy and unsure about himself still.
But I know the feeling as far as feeling like sex is all that is offerd any more, and considering how the fandom is going, it prittymuch is just a reason for every once in a while fetishests to get together and have fuck parties of soem sort it seems like. I myself question why I am in the fandom, specifically of late, and if it wasn't for how deeply I love ferrets and such, I'd just bail and cut my losses.
I may not be able to offer conpanionship, but I can atleast offer a close, comforting and caring friendship to you, and will always be here for you to listen bout your day and joke about stuff, and plot more ways to make these furs that think they are straight relize how unstraight hey are. ;3