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Thoughts on my parents.
16 years ago
Raven opens her mouth and a voice is heard.
I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted.
I'm sorry I am such a disappointment.
I'm sorry that you cannot see me happier now than I ever was.
I'm sorry that I've learned to cope and adapt.
I'm sorry I had to fix my problem.
I'm sorry you dont understand.
I'm sorry you think I'm making a mistake
I'm sorry I wanted to be happy
I'm sorry I was on the verge of suicide
I'm sorry you cannot use my chosen name
Most of all, I'm sorry I've grown past who I used to be
You told me once you believed I'd go on to do great and wonderful things. Look at me, is this not great and wonderful? I've figurd out wha no doctor could. I've dealt with the issue at hand and I've begun to grow because of the way I'm handling it. Life is a learning experience and we are all given our own set of challenges. Mine was being born a boy. I never felt like a boy and now I know why. Now I can seek help. I hope some day you understand this. It hurst when you use my birth name. It feels o me like you don respect me enough to actually acknowledge who I am. It cuts deep and I spend nights crying over it in my room mates arm. The people around me all deny that I ever could have been a boy and cannot fo the life of them see me as such. I feel like I fit in for once. it is not a "sin" to want to be happy. I try to live my life by rules that were set for me, but it's not easy. Especially when you do something "foolish" like crossing the gender barriers in order to show who you are. Most people, and you dont know this, before I started my journey, thought I was extremely gay. I don't know how else to explain it other than I feel alive. Please dont despise or hate me for who I;m becoming, because I'm becoming something prettier and more amazing than you could have ever imagined. I -am- moving on to do great and wonderful things and I am helping to change the world, one day at a time. This is my legacy. I'm becoming me, and I'm a better person for it.
My Aunt went in for surgery for breast cancer yesterday. The found one lump in one node, and removed it. The prognosis is for a full recovery. I called my mother last night to find out what was going on and my stepfather answered.
"Hello?"
"Hi!. What have you heard about Aunt Marilyn?"
"Who is this?"
"It’s Gina."
"Oh, hi Richard."
The conversation went on for a couple of minutes and I hung up. They’ve had 5 years to adjust at this point. That’s half a decade. I know it’s hard for parents to accept their children, but they do this blatently. I don’t know if they know how much it hurts, but I’ve tried to explain to them what this means to me. I don’t understand why parents who claim to love unconditionally would hurt their own child like this. They dont realize, or maybe they do and dont do anything about it, how much this stings. I am not Richard any longer. I never will be him again. Five years is a long time to grieve for a child that’s been dead at least that long.
I’m more alive now than I ever was as him. For all intents and purposes, he was dead at thirteen when I realized I was a girl. Their refusing to use my chosen name means they dont respect me and probably never will. I’m feeling frustrated and angry, and I curled up in my room mates arms last night and I cried. Chame was also here and helped to comfort me. I just....I dont understand....I want to tell her exactly how she makes me feel. She doesn’t even feel like my mother anymore. Just some woman I know. I don’t know how to deal with this. Should I shove it in the back of my mind or should I tell her point blank?
I'm sorry I am such a disappointment.
I'm sorry that you cannot see me happier now than I ever was.
I'm sorry that I've learned to cope and adapt.
I'm sorry I had to fix my problem.
I'm sorry you dont understand.
I'm sorry you think I'm making a mistake
I'm sorry I wanted to be happy
I'm sorry I was on the verge of suicide
I'm sorry you cannot use my chosen name
Most of all, I'm sorry I've grown past who I used to be
You told me once you believed I'd go on to do great and wonderful things. Look at me, is this not great and wonderful? I've figurd out wha no doctor could. I've dealt with the issue at hand and I've begun to grow because of the way I'm handling it. Life is a learning experience and we are all given our own set of challenges. Mine was being born a boy. I never felt like a boy and now I know why. Now I can seek help. I hope some day you understand this. It hurst when you use my birth name. It feels o me like you don respect me enough to actually acknowledge who I am. It cuts deep and I spend nights crying over it in my room mates arm. The people around me all deny that I ever could have been a boy and cannot fo the life of them see me as such. I feel like I fit in for once. it is not a "sin" to want to be happy. I try to live my life by rules that were set for me, but it's not easy. Especially when you do something "foolish" like crossing the gender barriers in order to show who you are. Most people, and you dont know this, before I started my journey, thought I was extremely gay. I don't know how else to explain it other than I feel alive. Please dont despise or hate me for who I;m becoming, because I'm becoming something prettier and more amazing than you could have ever imagined. I -am- moving on to do great and wonderful things and I am helping to change the world, one day at a time. This is my legacy. I'm becoming me, and I'm a better person for it.
My Aunt went in for surgery for breast cancer yesterday. The found one lump in one node, and removed it. The prognosis is for a full recovery. I called my mother last night to find out what was going on and my stepfather answered.
"Hello?"
"Hi!. What have you heard about Aunt Marilyn?"
"Who is this?"
"It’s Gina."
"Oh, hi Richard."
The conversation went on for a couple of minutes and I hung up. They’ve had 5 years to adjust at this point. That’s half a decade. I know it’s hard for parents to accept their children, but they do this blatently. I don’t know if they know how much it hurts, but I’ve tried to explain to them what this means to me. I don’t understand why parents who claim to love unconditionally would hurt their own child like this. They dont realize, or maybe they do and dont do anything about it, how much this stings. I am not Richard any longer. I never will be him again. Five years is a long time to grieve for a child that’s been dead at least that long.
I’m more alive now than I ever was as him. For all intents and purposes, he was dead at thirteen when I realized I was a girl. Their refusing to use my chosen name means they dont respect me and probably never will. I’m feeling frustrated and angry, and I curled up in my room mates arms last night and I cried. Chame was also here and helped to comfort me. I just....I dont understand....I want to tell her exactly how she makes me feel. She doesn’t even feel like my mother anymore. Just some woman I know. I don’t know how to deal with this. Should I shove it in the back of my mind or should I tell her point blank?
It would be so easy to make my reply about me, and that would be unfair. So I will simply hold you in virtual arms, Let you cry and tell you I understand.
Z.
If someone can not accept you for you... and you can not endure their blatent disregard for your feelings, it may mean you need to cut your ties. Not all the way if you can't be without them, but limit the time they have to make you feel terrible. Keep converations short, visit rarely, if they do care about you or love you, they should start at least TRY to make an effort to accept you.
My friend realized one of her sons was never going to call her "Mom" but did agree to call her Lainie. One of her daughters still won't talk to her but... sometimes, we can not win every war. It hurts like hell, this I know and understand... but instead of constantly tormenting ourselves with what we can not change, we have to start seeking out things and people worthy of our time and energies.