Hi. My name is Anonymous and I work at a Starbucks in a location that
is not your business. I enjoy what I do and I absolutely adore the
people I work with. Yet lately, it has been tiring me to the point of a
violently desired outrage from yours truly. Oh the joy I would receive
from screaming into the face of the ignorant jackwipes who mosey up to
the counter and act like they fucking know what they're speaking of.

Sir, I work here. I know what I'm talking about. You can take my
correct (Yes, correct. I know that you want something obviously similar
to your disgusting Moo Lattes and mouth-scalding, powder based
"cappuccino" bullshit you get at the Speedway.) assumption of a
recommendation. For I know that you want something easy to drink and
even easier on your mind. Now now sir, don't strain yourself trying to
pronounce 'macciatto'. It's pronounced mok-ee-ah-toh. Good job, now
you're ready for a lah-teh.

Before I continue with this, I would like to clear up that rumor
that I am a coffee snob... Because it is very true. I am a self
proclaimed coffee snob and I prefer Starbucks coffee to your Maxwell
House rubbish. I believe it tastes better with more depth and flavor
and if you don't like my opinion then you can go suck on a steam wand.
It's an opinion and I stand by it.

Now, back to my main points here. There's a lot we need to cover,
General Public... so open your god damn eyes and read this intently.

Sir, the 'flavor' french vanilla does not exist on our menu. It
never has and hopefully never will be. It is not an included flavor of
coffee, syrup, cappuccino, latte, creamer or anything else for that
matter. Stop ordering it, you sound like a mindless redneck. We don't
have it, and if for some odd reason someone did not stop you dead in
your retarded tracks and told you we could combine vanilla and hazelnut
syrup for a similar flavor OR just recommended vanilla... then another
incompetent barista has failed in teaching you about this phantom
"french vanilla" you said you've ordered from us before.

Sir, please don't lie to me.

Let's get in a little deeper, shall we? In our Starbucks standards
books and rules, our cappuccino is made the traditional Italian style.
Made with only 2 ingredients: Espresso shots and mostly milk FOAM.
That's right, sir. There are no sweeteners, syrups, flavors or
sprinkles in or on our cappuccino. And yes, it is milk foam. If you
want something that is more heavy with more milk than foam, then you
should've ordered a latte like I suggested. If you bring your
cappuccino back complaining that "there aint nothin' in here but
foam!", then you are absolutely correct and stupid. I recommended you a
latte because I know that's what you want. You told me ever so
confidently that you have, in fact, had a Starbucks cappuccino.

Sir, please don't fucking lie to me...

Here are some other things we don't have on our menu that you continue to order because of that extra chromosome you have:

- Cool Whip. We do not put a dollop of Cool Whip onto your drink.
We make our WHIPPED CREAM fresh every day with heavy whipping cream and
vanilla syrup.

- Sprinkles. We are not the Coffee Beanery. We don't have any kind
of sprinkles to put on your fat-filled "frap" or latte. We do, however,
have cocoa powder, cinnamon and cinnamon dolce (cinnamon and sugar)
powder, vanilla powder, nutmeg powder and other seasonal things such as
candied ginger, chocolate shavings, etc. that you can get when
available. Notice how none of those things I listed include the word
"sprinkles". LEARN, I say.

- Moo Lattes and smoothies. This leads me to my next point...

Dairy Queen has Moo Lattes. Smoothie stands have smoothies (our
Vivannos are a bit like health smoothies, but still are not in that
category. You don't want something healthy anyway. I know this for a
fact...). We do, however, have Frappuccinos. Ah yes, the ever popular
Frappuccino (don't call them 'Fraps'. You sound like a fucking tool and
I probably hate you if you order a 'frap' and I will use my passive
aggression and subtly correct you by saying the entire word.). And by
popular, I mean popular amongst these main crowds:
- Rednecks. Frappuccinos are one of the only things these
jackballs know how to order. They are easy to order and easy to drink.
They remind them of the Moo Lattes I mentioned earlier. There's no
thinking involved whilst ordering these terribly unhealthy drinks. Did
you know that a Venti strawberry and cream Frappuccino, with whipped
cream, has 700 calories? Of course, you didn't know because you don't
care.
- Tweenies. I despise this generation of 7-17 year old children
with their 'trendy' 'clothing' and obnoxious personalities, orange tans
and mounds of makeup... but the things they all have in common is this
false sense of image they have within themselves. You little twits
think just because you're waltzing around (unsupervised! What the fuck
happened to parenting these days!?) with a cup with our logo on it, you
are instantly 'cool'. You are very wrong. You may be envied amongst
your peers because mommy and daddy let you borrow their credit cards,
but they are just as ignorant as you are. You'll grow up someday...
Hopefully...
- The overweight. Before I continue, I do not hate fat people. I
have plenty of friends who have a few extra pounds on them. I do not
discriminate against anyone. But if your fat ass walks up to my counter
and orders a drink that has hundreds and hundreds of calories that is
visibly unhealthy for you? Then I think you are just as ignorant as
those tweenies and rednecks. I wish I didn't have to sell you those
drinks. But I really wish you'd just get the fuck away from my
register.

Let's clear up a few more things you assholes refuse to get through
your heads because you think it's 'too complicated' or 'you don't care
'bout no Starbucks crazy lingo!'.

1.) Our size of cups go in this order, from smallest to largest:
Short, Tall, Grande, Venti. And here is the story behind them. Short
was our original small and Tall was our original large. It seemed
logical enough back in the day. Well, us unsatisfied Americans wanted
more so Starbucks made our next large size, the Grande. It means "big"
in Italian. Still logical back then, right? Well, the fat nation know
as America wanted even more to satisfy their obese taste palette.
Enter: Venti. Now, listen up you blithering idiots because I'm only
going to say this once... Venti means 20 in Italian. Our Venti size is
20 ounces. There. Now you know. So for the love of sweet baby Jesus,
stop ordering small, medium, larges and Biggie size drinks. I will
passive aggressively correct you again by saying the real size you're
getting in hopes of embarrassing you.

2.) If you come into the line with 15 of your friends and only 2
are ordering something, I suggest those of you who are not ordering
something to stand beyond the fucking rope. It is there to separate
customers from pedestrians. So stop crowding my god damned line.

3.) Don't bring back your half empty cup saying you didn't like it
and you want something else. That's just the correct way to act like a
civilized human being. But then again, I'm not speaking to civilized
humans with this rant.

4.) DO NOT come from the Exit labeled side of the rope. Go through
the Enter labeled side. This is called common sense. You may have heard
of it...

5.) If you don't see a register, you can't order there.

One last thing... I am a kind person. If you are sincerely kind to
me, you may even get perks like free drink size upgrade or free syrup
and espresso shots. I will treat everyone humanely and cater to you,
just as my job description says. Most of the time, I'll even have a
pretty smile on my face. But just as in every other career in this
known universe, there are selfish, ignorant, rude and positively fake
people...
And when those people come up to my counter with their vile
smirk and unrealistic view of how I should do my job? I put on my fake
smile and I will passive aggressively get through my day by making you
look like a fucking fool in my eyes and in the eyes of my co workers
and hopefully those surrounding you.
This is all opinion. My opinion. It is here to hopefully open your
eyes on proper etiquette of ordering a drink at your local Starbucks.

Thanks for reading and only come to my store once you've absorbed and understood all of the points I have written above.


--Your local, "bitter as espresso", barista.