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Birthday
16 years ago
General
Fight her all you want you'll never win
Couldn't we just once leave her in bed
Let the dry air cut her happy throat
Hide her heart and lose her happy head
Warning very long and depressing:
So my birthdays coming up in four days, I'll be 20. I'm depressed.
The years just seem to be coming and going so quickly, and I've done nothing of worth for myself yet. Other than get my art quality up alot. I still can't drive, I still work at a diner, I live at home again, and quiet frankly I'm feeling very unsuccessful. But I've realised awhile ago how much I've been slacking and have full intentions to work on that this year. But anyway that's not really what I'm so depressed about.
First off I have cabin fever, I've been locked in my moms trailer for a month now and I've made it out of the trailer twice. It may be the cabin fever that's making me have such a bleak out look on everything but I'm not sure.
The rest, nearly all of my friends have been doing things that just make my skin crawl. I've been working very hard on my anger but I still can't manage to keep it down, I'm extreamly unhappy despite my optimism to be happy. But it doesn't help when nearly all of your friends are always like "blah blah my problems are alot more important than yours" actually people have generally been acting like "oh I have this to worry about and it's more important than you" basically.
I have very little self worth, my whole life people have been ignoring me, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible and if I disappeared noone would notice. Hell, when I was younger and went through my numerous suicide attempts (I had really rough early teenage years, and I don't try anymore) one time when I had kicked the chair out from under me the only thing that made me stop was realizing I would be hanging there for days before they even checked on me. Luckily the chair was still close enough for me to kick it back towards me so I could stand on it and free myself.
But just in the past few months people are increasingly paying less and less attention to me, I've seen my boyfriend for a total of 4 hours in the past week because he spends more time raiding on wow then he does with me. When I try to tell my friends about how I feel they either ignore me or start in on there problems (most of which I've numerously given my opinions on there problems and have tried to help) so I really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to because when I say anything to my bf we fight about it, and when I say anything to anyone they ignore me.
And the reason I'm so particularly depressed about this birthday is because I know I'm going to spend it alone. My boyfriend has to raid that day, and though he's getting the day before off it's still not the same thing. I know he hasn't gotten me a b-day present, which isn't really something that would bother me if he had gotten me a Christmas present but he didn't do that either. Or really if he would just spend more time with me. But...I guess I'm not as important as his game. And I guess I'm not important enough to have people spend my special day with me.
I have alot of hopes that things aren't going to be as bad as I expect, and that people are going to surprise me and make me feel important...But I do that every year...
And I'm only posting this here because of the people who pay attention to me here. The only place where I constantly get some attention and affection is a furry art community, it's sad isn't it? All of you who do pay attention to me mean so much, I can't even tell you.
So in the end...Happy birthday to me. Thanks for reading my angst.
So my birthdays coming up in four days, I'll be 20. I'm depressed.
The years just seem to be coming and going so quickly, and I've done nothing of worth for myself yet. Other than get my art quality up alot. I still can't drive, I still work at a diner, I live at home again, and quiet frankly I'm feeling very unsuccessful. But I've realised awhile ago how much I've been slacking and have full intentions to work on that this year. But anyway that's not really what I'm so depressed about.
First off I have cabin fever, I've been locked in my moms trailer for a month now and I've made it out of the trailer twice. It may be the cabin fever that's making me have such a bleak out look on everything but I'm not sure.
The rest, nearly all of my friends have been doing things that just make my skin crawl. I've been working very hard on my anger but I still can't manage to keep it down, I'm extreamly unhappy despite my optimism to be happy. But it doesn't help when nearly all of your friends are always like "blah blah my problems are alot more important than yours" actually people have generally been acting like "oh I have this to worry about and it's more important than you" basically.
I have very little self worth, my whole life people have been ignoring me, sometimes I feel like I'm invisible and if I disappeared noone would notice. Hell, when I was younger and went through my numerous suicide attempts (I had really rough early teenage years, and I don't try anymore) one time when I had kicked the chair out from under me the only thing that made me stop was realizing I would be hanging there for days before they even checked on me. Luckily the chair was still close enough for me to kick it back towards me so I could stand on it and free myself.
But just in the past few months people are increasingly paying less and less attention to me, I've seen my boyfriend for a total of 4 hours in the past week because he spends more time raiding on wow then he does with me. When I try to tell my friends about how I feel they either ignore me or start in on there problems (most of which I've numerously given my opinions on there problems and have tried to help) so I really don't feel like I have anyone to talk to because when I say anything to my bf we fight about it, and when I say anything to anyone they ignore me.
And the reason I'm so particularly depressed about this birthday is because I know I'm going to spend it alone. My boyfriend has to raid that day, and though he's getting the day before off it's still not the same thing. I know he hasn't gotten me a b-day present, which isn't really something that would bother me if he had gotten me a Christmas present but he didn't do that either. Or really if he would just spend more time with me. But...I guess I'm not as important as his game. And I guess I'm not important enough to have people spend my special day with me.
I have alot of hopes that things aren't going to be as bad as I expect, and that people are going to surprise me and make me feel important...But I do that every year...
And I'm only posting this here because of the people who pay attention to me here. The only place where I constantly get some attention and affection is a furry art community, it's sad isn't it? All of you who do pay attention to me mean so much, I can't even tell you.
So in the end...Happy birthday to me. Thanks for reading my angst.
but I glanced though the text... and don't worry about life hun, I will make it better by a b'day gift ^^
It's hard not to worry about life when you spend so much time thinking about it, thoughts are my only constant company and they make everything seem alot worse. But thank you.
And you don't have to make me a b-day gift ^^; the thoughts really sweet though.
I feel, so so bad for you! I know, and I KNOW when I turn 19.. no one will care about me since I have almost no IRL friends. Like you said, people seem to care more on this community than IRL... BUT if I knew your IRL, I would hug you, speak to you, comfort you and give you all the care I can offer
I hope you don't spend your birthday alone :x it's so sad to have to, I wish you where around here it'd be nice to have more caring friends <3
as for the ignoring thing im really sorry that just sucks :/ people are so inconsiderate and self centered most of the time that its ridiculous.
though i do hope your b-day does turn out well enough *hugs*
To add to that, I don't believe I'll ever find a man who isn't a dick head in some way shape or another.
People are so self-centered anymore, I've always been there to lend a hand and listen to my friends but it seems like they aren't. And the funny thing is my friends who ignore me are all males. Men...bah.
I hope my b-day turns out well to, but every year that I get my hopes up about it it just hurts all that much more when it all crashes and burns.
But thanks for your words they mean alot *hugs* <3
I know that things may seem to suck but keep working at it. It only is truly hopeless when you give up. You're a great person and good things will come just don't let the world weigh you down.
Need a new sketchbook? It could be my birthday present to ya ;)
As for missing you if you were gone, I know I would. I love your style, and based on your art and profile info and this post itself, you are someone that I identify with greatly and very much admire. Your teenage years, and even your current life, sound much like my own. I don't have the problem with my bf like you are having with yours, but... I've been married to a guy that was like that. I know how you feel on that matter.
I also know how you feel with the feeling of not having accomplished anything. I'm 26... it sucks to feel that way. But, I'm still trying, and for me, that means that I'm not giving up. You might be shocked at who is looking at you and wishing something that you find easy is something that they could do even half as well as you. Everyone has their strengths, and their weaknesses.
Perhaps, if you would like a friendly ear of someone that would like to talk with you, you could chat with me sometime. I know I turn strangers into friends often when I'm just letting out my rants, and I feel better for it.. and I like to listen as well, it lets me know I'm not alone in my feelings. I use most messengers. MSN, yahoo, aim, and skype.
And, with that... Happy Birthday, dear one. I hope it turns out to be a day of hope rather than a day of sorrow.