“My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
And now he's guilt stricken sobbin' with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbin' with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen”
The Freshmen

Its been nearly a year now. Rarely talking to her and learning life on my own again. So many things are different when alone. I learned that there are many things I don’t like doing anymore. Things I enjoyed two years ago but now just make me feel cold. I seem to listen to music and want to get out of this house more. Most of me wants to go far away from here… And part of me doesn’t want to look back when I do. Most of the pain is gone now, replaced with emptiness and framework. Talking to a friend, I compared it to a house… Let me see if I can do it again…

Its like a house that you live in all your life. You put your heart into it, getting things just right and safe feeling, till one night a fire guts it leaving nothing in its wake. Slowly afterwards, the construction crews come in and demolish the charred wood and stuff, and replace it with fresh new beams. Eventually, new drywall and paint and furniture will be put in, but it will never be the same as before the fire…

While I didn’t have everything set up right in my life… I felt safe with her, like I could do anything. The day she left well, that was the day of the “Fire” and everything being burned out. A week or two later the fire is out and everything was cold. Then things began being rebuilt. A little deconstruction to begin construction. Felt cold for a long time because of those “Holes” in the wall. But everything now has been replaced with something new, or the framework to build something new… I have a new mate as most of you know, and while he’s across the country, I love him dearly and cant wait for the day we can be in each others arms. Still, with all the repairs going on in life, all the healing and such, I know things wont be the same. The “walls and furniture” wont seem in the same place as before.

TL/DR
Basically, I am healing, but things wont ever be the same But are they ever the same after the first relationship and the first break up?

And to those who are reading and thinking I need help, and to my parents, who I know read my posts sometimes, I am feeling wiser. I feel a little better and while the stress still has me down, I am nearly healed from last year. Not everything can be fixed or replaced, but I think I have gotten back on the right track. I ask for a little more time and a little more help from those who have given it in the past. But I think I am almost ready to fly solo…

I have begun to look for jobs in a new place far from where I live right now. For those who haven’t been in contact, I am planning on moving out this year. I have spoken with a couple other furs and we are arranging to rent a place for a little bit to see how things are, and to get on our feet. After we feel we are ready to go fully on our own, we will part and get our own houses. It may take a year or two, but I think we can pull it off if the move goes ok. That’s about where we stand right now… Figuring out how we can get 4 furs from 3 different areas into 1 place.

I’ll try to update more often but for now I am headin off.

TTYL everyone ;hugs;