It seems this is my only avenue of venting, so I will. I was told I should type a blob or journal, so I am.

So, now, everyone wants to know whats been going on. Here it is...

It started with Twitter. I assumed Twitter was just a new way to network. So I went to a few of my friends lists an started adding people, I added people from Facebook, Myspace, Steam, and such. Well, one of my friends didn't like that, and thought I was "Stalking" his friends and trying to control certain things. Not the case, was only trying to meet some new people, and play with Twitter.

Then, at the Mardi Gras party.. I had met someone online awhile back, and been talking to him. He wanted to play with me, I wanted to play with him an all was well an good. Wasn't trying to be mates or anything, we just wanted to play. Well, I told him he should goto to the Mardi Gras, and that it would be fun. He went, and to my surprise when I showed up, one of my closer friends had already started making a move on him.

(Tangent: I choose not to play or have sex with my best friends play mates. He has a few and I prefer to not cross that boundary. Not to mention, if I even talk to someone he plays with, he freaks out an gets mad at me like I did something wrong.)

So, I walked over to where my BF and new friend were standing. I will admit, I got a little jealous. I walked up an stood in between them, forcing my BF's hand away. I pulled him to the side for a second an explained things (which he doesn't remember) to him. I told him that I had been chatting an talking with the guy for awhile, and we were going to probably play and I would appreciate it if he would lay off. I then asked him to give me the same respect he asked from me.

Everything seemed fine. Though my BF spent the rest of the night attached to my hip, petting, groping, biting, and anything else which he knew turned me on. I knew he wanted to play, but I already had a headache, and was only there to see him, and a few choice others. My BF came and asked me to the hottub and after that I got real tired so I asked him when he was going home. I was under the impression my ride (Greyson), was not leaving. My BF said he needed to sober up a bit, but he would take me home.

Later on after we left the party, I kinda fell asleep in the car. When I awoke I found I was not at home at all, but rather at my BF's apartment. I was ok with it, I love sleeping with him an playing with him an cuddling him. Its the safest place I'v ever known and he is the kindest person I have ever known in that position. Well, it was fine, another of our friends was found in our bed, but he moved out to the living room to give me space with my BF. Thank you btw. You know who you are.

Everything seemed ok.

The next day however. I ask my new friend if he had found anyone at the party he wanted to play, making a joke to poke fun at the fact he wanted to play with me. Well, he mentioned a few people including myself. The last person he mention was my BF. I explained that I didn't enjoy the idea of playing with someone my BF plays with. I told him the situation and he agreed an stated he would rather play with me. Well that didn't bode well cause he then went an told my BF that he could not play with him, cause I said he couldn't. Not the case at all. I just told him I didn't want to cross that line/boundary.

Well, my BF BLEW up on me. Saying that I police his bed, and Im the reason my friend wont play with him. He basically got mad an jealous cause my friend chose me over him. Then he made it out like I was a stalker and such. He said a lot of very very hurtful things.

What is this all because of you may ask? Sex. All of the drama revolves around sex with him. Either Im bad cause I talk to someone he plays with or is friends with (which is bad apparently cause Im an embarrassment) or Im stalking him and his friends for sex. The truth of the matter is, he got jealous. He took it out on me.

Now me an my BF are not really speaking. I get the blame as well as the pain of losing him.

I honestly love him, and would never hurt him. But he sees it as I do and try to. Least thats how it seems. Im attractive to him, but only physically. The thing is, you can never know anything about it, till you open your heart long enough to try. He never opened his heart once to me. Probably never will. I dont blame him, if I had to be friends with me, I wouldn want me in my heart either.

Now you know, so everyone can stop asking. It hurts, and its causeing me a lot of pain right now. I dont want to play with anyone, and I dont intend to for a very very long time. Sex out here in AZ seems to be a drug of sorts. Everyone uses it recreationaly, and I just cant do that. I want something meaningful, and I have never known an open to go anywhere until they closed it up. Thats basically what it was with me an my BF. An open relationship, though neither of us made it official. We were playmates and such for a year. Now its down to the anni of when him an I met, and guess what. Nothing. So yea, really unhappy, really depressed, and not looking any better. Lost my best friend and really the only person I have ever opened my heart to completely. For what? So I could sleep with someone I have no feelings for and just wanted sex? Thats why Im done with the so called "Quick Yiff". Not worth it, and not cool at all.