I have no idea why I'm writing this, maybe to sharpen my online grammar. I'm pretty confident that by the end of this my grammar will have gone to shit... So I realized today that I have not had any kind of contact with my lil sister for over ten years. This made me try to find her on one of the various social networking sites online. This was of course to no avail, which I fully blame on Tomah, WI not being civilized enough to have the internet... Does not knowing my sister, my own flesh and blood, make me a bad person? I mean she may only be my half sister but I've considered people family for less than half blood. I feel like I should have been a part of her life. Should I feel obligated to her because she is "technically" part of me? I think so. I'm sure that some would argue the point. Family, to me, is a huge part of who I am. Who am I to have denied this to her. On to other thoughts. Wow sooo much has changed in my life in the last 6 months. I tried to think of a defining point to pin point the beginning of the change, but I cannot. Since I've moved back to the Seattle area I've been forced to cocoon and emerge once again in my life. I am positive that everything that has changed has been for the best. I can't think of one bad habit or though pattern that I've adopted since all this change has started. Lets start with the actual move here. I got back here in July of 09' and quickly learned that someone who I thought was a best friend had changed drastically since I last knew her. This ultimately led to us no longer being friends. I've learned that sometimes no matter how close you are to someone and how similar your lives are at one moment this does not mean that you will always be at the same level. It definitely hurt to lose such a close friend. In the process of losing her I gained several new friends who are at the level I am right now. I'm confident that they will continue to grow as people as well as will I. Things went ok for a couple months after arriving here, then BAM Mom has a heart attack. This happened in September and started a crazy insane spiral downward in my life. The first and obvious aspect being my broken deluded concept that my Mother was invincible and would always be here. Thankfully she fully recovered. I wont even try to touch the magnitude of hurt and fear this whole event caused in me. My family is everything to me, all I have. The only constant in my life up till this point. In one simple flash of life this can be taken away. I drew back from reality and put on a facade for my friends after this that everything was honky dorey. Fell into the grips of one addiction and tried to fight it off by opening myself up to a wholly new addiction. Lost my job, woke the hell up and now found myself here. I think I left a part of me behind, but at least now I can focus on developing whats left. I'm fearfully optimistic over whats happening in my life right now. I will say loneliness can still be a bitch sometimes. I've still got so many random thoughts and no one to bounce them off of. I need a new ranting friend. Someone I can stay up with till the sun comes up talking about nothing or not saying anything at all. The kind of friend you can call at 3 am and they are happy to hear from you. I miss Meg