"You know, I must be crazy
to show this as my way of living
I find that it's easy
Cutting up the pieces

This man say I have needed
to mend my unholy life
I fall to my knees praying
I find it hard and easy"
-My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, "And This is What the Devil Does," from I See Good Spirits, I See Bad Spirits

If you read this, then you're one of a handful of people. I don't know if anyone will read this, as I don't comment on the submissions of those I watch and I never upload anything myself.

Anyways, I suppose this is in some ways a typical FA emo-drama journal. But I don't write this simply to complain or garner sympathy, but actually quite a bit out of desperation: I'm under near-continual stress and I don't know how to get out of it.

I recently found out that the one friend I have where I live, the only friend I can actually, physically hang out with on anything approaching a regular basis, is being shipped out to Connecticut (he's in the Navy). Although my dad was sympathetic, my mom seemed to care little, instead electing to dig into me as usual about my at-home gunsmithing course, my rooms, and anything else she could bitch at me about. I've been pissed enough with her refusing to go the Charleston Aquarium these past couple of days (I've wanted to see the new albino alligator they brought in. In addition, I don't have anyone else to spend time with now, but my parents are always too busy to spend time except vegging out in front of the TV, as all that matters to them are their careers, this over-rated construct they call a home, and finances), but now she hurt me a lot, and I'm furious as well as despondent. In other news, I just found out a Master of mine, who's very dear to me, attempted suicide again. Also, my ex, Kevin, is stalking me now, and refuses to leave me alone.

So, yeah, I suppose this -is- to get sympathy, but... I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm not really all that into gunsmithing, my friends don't seem to like me as much as they used to, everyone I've tried to befriend lately hasn't talked to me, etc, etc... I only have a few nascent ideas of what I want to do with my life, but they're all very vague and seemingly unattainable. I want to make the world a better place, but I don't see how I could, not out of defeatism but a simple inability to comprehend the practical manifestation of such a desire.

So, yeah... in essence, I feel depressed, hated, hateful and unloved. I really hate my life right now. I don't feel suicidal, no-doubt in part due to my anti-depressant, but I still feel aimless and deeply troubled. It just feels like most everyone around me hates me now. Even people I've just met on here who I try to befriend have never contacted me again. *sighs* and, of course, at this hour, no-one's online to talk to. Anyways... I'll shut up now...

Please try to be happy even after reading my rant, and I do sincerely hope it hasn't bothered you in any way. Thank you.


Except for you, Kevin, if you're reading this, you fucking stalker.