I sit here, emotionless and cold. No thoughts of happiness, no feeling of joy or pride. How could I? How could I feel proud of myself for having done nothing in my life but hurt the ones I love and pushing away the few people who would have helped. It seems so long ago now. But I remember it like it was yesterday, every mistake, every fault, every issue and problem. Hind sight is something that we all want, but to know is to understand. If you already know then there isn’t much point in going through with it. Everything in life is a risk, a chance, a leap of faith. If you are strong, nothing can break you. I have had no choice but to make myself strong. I have had to fight since day one.

I thought myself a cold, stone like figure. Something no one would ever love or want to be around. I was wrong, at least to a degree. I still feel that I am going to be alone where love and a relationship is concerned and my ex made it clear that he has no intentions of being with me on a formal or permanent basis. It hurts, but to be honest, it’s a bit relieving. I enjoyed what we had, though, I knew it wouldn’t last forever, and it didn’t. Where before he would have picked me up in his arms and lay with me, now he has cast me to the side.

I feel a need to type at the moment so I am doing so and probably crazy for actually talking to myself in text though I don’t care atm.

I have to wonder why my life has been so harsh. How can it be that one person can go through so much and still be unable to cope? You think I would be used to this from people by now. Everyone I have ever shown interest in casts me away after a year or less. This is no different. It’s frustrating and I can’t help but be saddened by my situation and the predicaments I put myself in. Time after time I make the same mistakes. I fell head over heels for someone and there was no chance, or hope of a return. I know how he feels; I just wish I could have shown him that I’m not like the others. He kept putting me into a category with everyone else he is friends with, but that can’t be. I’m nothing like anyone else. I refuse to believe I am. I pride myself on being different, and being the abnormal. He thought that his effect on me was just like everyone else but he was wrong. I know plenty of people who think the same thing. I felt the way I felt because I wanted to, not cause of anyone else. He wanted to smash my heart, and he did just that.

I felt the way I did about him cause of him. Not cause of what he does, or what he has done. I feel the way I do because he is a good person and soft hearted though he doesn’t really believe that. I don’t know where I and he are heading now, or if we will even be friends at this point, but I have to wonder if this is my fault. Surely it must be my own.

I have no clue what to do now. I am just sort of floating around at the moment with no purpose or cause. I do know one thing for sure and with a certainty. If ever once he had tried, or at least gave me the chance to be there. He would have found out that were a good match. Yes we fought and argued, but all that does is shows you care enough to say something an try. Why argue if you don’t care? You don’t, and would be pointless to do so.

I’ll end it here. Thanks for listening.