Now look what folks have gotten themselves into!

Granted, the average American of today seems to be a distinct species from the remainder of the Human Race, literally unable to copulate with normal humans due to the level of DNA destruction/alteration rendered by the Crazy fungus. In my opinion, it would have been more humane to blast us all with gamma radiation, effectively sterilizing us and granting us a relatively quick collective demise. Unfortunately, recent reductions in nuclear armaments means that there is no longer a nuke for each of us, eliminating that possibility for the time being.

I may have contracted a few crazy spores myself. I'm starting to have some crazy thoughts, among which is this: I believe that the Health Care Bill, recently passed in the House of Reps, may not actually be capable of killing a billion Americans as some seem to believe. To start off with, there would need to be a billion Americans. Once you have a billion Americans, you won't need legislation to kill them all, because the sheer density of so many morons in one place would create a black hole, sucking entire star systems into the terrible void and ushering forth a galactic dark age.

Before anyone starts frothing, I should re-iterate that I am American, and therefore dead according to the prevailing mindset. You pretentious bastard, you might say, what makes you think that you can pass judgment on an entire nation? What makes you so much better? Why do you think you know better than anyone else what's gone wrong? Well, because I'm obviously going crazy.

How could I be wrong? I've read my history. I know exactly everything I need to know about the world, nothing more, nothing less. What I know is, of course, super duper important. What I don't know is, naturally, completely unimportant. Like every American I'm an above average driver, except when I'm not. I exercise and eat right (in my mind while watching TV all the time). I love my country, except when I hate it, and I proudly know the National Anthem when there's subtitles. I'm a true blue, red blooded American!

So believe me when I say that I'm right and you're wrong, and that's just the way it is. I'm a politically astute, well-read individual with unique political ideas taken right from the mouths of my favorite wacko talk show hosts. All my arguments are well-thought through, especially when someone presses them and they turn out to be completely half-baked. If someone carefully lays out, through logic, physics, and philosophy, why I am wrong the end result is that I am still right! If someone tries to play coy and persuade me to see things from their point of view, I don't have to because it's not American. America wasn't founded on namby-pamby ideas like 'compromise' and 'mutual respect'! It is our inalienable right as individuals to be as douche-like, insular, and narrow-minded as possible. I know that because I read it somewhere that I don't recall right now. In any event, the whole point is that I am immutably correct, my personal status quo is sublime, and to even think of changing my opinion is Anti-American.

So you can rest assured that when I say I loathe people that are always right, when I take total delight in taking an irrefutable individual and demonstrating to them the irrefutable laws of fluid dynamics by sticking their heads in toilets and pulling the flush lever, that I am simply insane and don't know better. Pay me no mind. Just remember that if you're American and find yourself in a conversation where your logic is unraveling and your sense of right and wrong has been challenged, you needn't worry at all. Because according to our leaders and society you're absolutely right on all counts, no matter what.

The rest of you in the world... heat up the nukes plz.