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A day to worship a zombie! >=3
15 years ago
Yay! It's Easter! I'd like to take this time to briefly recap the history of this blessed holiday.
T'was some millennia ago that a man named Jesus was killed on a cross for believing that he was the son of god. After he died, he was thrown into a big cave that was sealed with a rock, because Pontius Pilot was afraid he would come back as a zombie. Unfortunately that fear came true, because three days later, Jesus' 12 worshippers went to steal the body, only to find that it was gone...Or was it? For soon, Zombie Jesus approached them, telling them he was going to eat flesh in revenge for being killed. Since he was a zombie though, no one could understand him, and his obsessed followers believed he was going to heaven. Shortly after, Jesus ran (limped?) into the sunset to devour the flesh of sinners. And somehow Saint Peter started a religion based off this Zombie and his resurrection.
Centuries past, and Zombie Jesus still roamed throughout Europe, eating those who did not worship him. Unfortunately for Zombie Jesus, he was running out of food. Most of Europe was worshipping him (and dying for him in the Crusades), he couldn't eat the Jews because he was one, and he couldn't eat any of the Native Americans or Asians because he couldn't find a ride there (It's hard to hitch hike when you're a zombie.). So Zombie Jesus resorted to the next best thing: rabbits. That's right rabbits. He found rabbits at their peak of flavor (mating season) and devoured them one by one. Coincidentally, there was a rabbit shortage at this time. So he continued feasting until he came upon a beautiful white rabbit. This rabbit was the true Pope of the Christian Church, as anyone who saw the South Park episode would know. Zombie Jesus saw this blessed rabbit and instantly tried to eat the bunny. But as his teeth sunk into the rabbit's flesh, his mouth instantly began to burn from the holy energy this rabbit exerted. Recoiling in pain, Zombie Jesus didn't notice that his zombie poison was having an effect on the bunny. But it didn't turn the bunny into a zombie. Instead it somehow gave the bunny the power to lay eggs. When the bunny laid its first egg, Jesus couldn't take the holiness and the absurdity of it and ran away.
The next year, though, Zombie Jesus returned to battle the egg-crapping rabbit, who was now being worshipped in a nearby Italian town known as Vaticana. Seeing people worship someone other than him, Jesus went into a rampage and started attacking the entire town. Everyone in town turned to the bunny to save them. In response, he laid an egg. No, I don't mean the figure of speech, he literally laid an egg. Several eggs actually, one for every person in town. The eggs were filled with so much holiness and logic that only worked for a platypus that Zombie Jesus disintegrated into dust. The townsfolk held a big celebration in the rabbits honor and gave him the title "Eastern Rabbit Savior" and created Eastern Rabbit Day. Zombie Jesus was persistent, however, and would come back each year to try and destroy the pope rabbit and the city that housed it. To prevent this, the people of Vaticana built a huge shrine for the rabbit to protect it from Zombie Jesus’ wrath. And in return for their kindness, the rabbit continued to lay holy mammal eggs to vanquish Zombie Jesus.
To this day, pope rabbit still resides in that shrine, known today as Vatican City. To avoid any Jesus freaks from discovering the rabbit, the holiday was changed to Easter, getting rid of the rabbit and the letter ‘n’, and disguising it as the day of Jesus’ ascension to Heaven. No one remembered or cared when the exact date was that it happened, so they change it every year to confuse and annoy people. An old man on the verge of death was elected to be a figure head “pope” to protect the rabbit from Jesus freaks looking to sell him out as more than just a commercial figure. And every year, the rabbit pope lays its eggs to be distributed all over the world to prevent the good little Christians from being eaten by Zombie Jesus.
Well, that took longer than I thought. Guess it wasn’t so brief after all. And look at the time…well hope you had a happy Zombie Jesus day! Bye!
T'was some millennia ago that a man named Jesus was killed on a cross for believing that he was the son of god. After he died, he was thrown into a big cave that was sealed with a rock, because Pontius Pilot was afraid he would come back as a zombie. Unfortunately that fear came true, because three days later, Jesus' 12 worshippers went to steal the body, only to find that it was gone...Or was it? For soon, Zombie Jesus approached them, telling them he was going to eat flesh in revenge for being killed. Since he was a zombie though, no one could understand him, and his obsessed followers believed he was going to heaven. Shortly after, Jesus ran (limped?) into the sunset to devour the flesh of sinners. And somehow Saint Peter started a religion based off this Zombie and his resurrection.
Centuries past, and Zombie Jesus still roamed throughout Europe, eating those who did not worship him. Unfortunately for Zombie Jesus, he was running out of food. Most of Europe was worshipping him (and dying for him in the Crusades), he couldn't eat the Jews because he was one, and he couldn't eat any of the Native Americans or Asians because he couldn't find a ride there (It's hard to hitch hike when you're a zombie.). So Zombie Jesus resorted to the next best thing: rabbits. That's right rabbits. He found rabbits at their peak of flavor (mating season) and devoured them one by one. Coincidentally, there was a rabbit shortage at this time. So he continued feasting until he came upon a beautiful white rabbit. This rabbit was the true Pope of the Christian Church, as anyone who saw the South Park episode would know. Zombie Jesus saw this blessed rabbit and instantly tried to eat the bunny. But as his teeth sunk into the rabbit's flesh, his mouth instantly began to burn from the holy energy this rabbit exerted. Recoiling in pain, Zombie Jesus didn't notice that his zombie poison was having an effect on the bunny. But it didn't turn the bunny into a zombie. Instead it somehow gave the bunny the power to lay eggs. When the bunny laid its first egg, Jesus couldn't take the holiness and the absurdity of it and ran away.
The next year, though, Zombie Jesus returned to battle the egg-crapping rabbit, who was now being worshipped in a nearby Italian town known as Vaticana. Seeing people worship someone other than him, Jesus went into a rampage and started attacking the entire town. Everyone in town turned to the bunny to save them. In response, he laid an egg. No, I don't mean the figure of speech, he literally laid an egg. Several eggs actually, one for every person in town. The eggs were filled with so much holiness and logic that only worked for a platypus that Zombie Jesus disintegrated into dust. The townsfolk held a big celebration in the rabbits honor and gave him the title "Eastern Rabbit Savior" and created Eastern Rabbit Day. Zombie Jesus was persistent, however, and would come back each year to try and destroy the pope rabbit and the city that housed it. To prevent this, the people of Vaticana built a huge shrine for the rabbit to protect it from Zombie Jesus’ wrath. And in return for their kindness, the rabbit continued to lay holy mammal eggs to vanquish Zombie Jesus.
To this day, pope rabbit still resides in that shrine, known today as Vatican City. To avoid any Jesus freaks from discovering the rabbit, the holiday was changed to Easter, getting rid of the rabbit and the letter ‘n’, and disguising it as the day of Jesus’ ascension to Heaven. No one remembered or cared when the exact date was that it happened, so they change it every year to confuse and annoy people. An old man on the verge of death was elected to be a figure head “pope” to protect the rabbit from Jesus freaks looking to sell him out as more than just a commercial figure. And every year, the rabbit pope lays its eggs to be distributed all over the world to prevent the good little Christians from being eaten by Zombie Jesus.
Well, that took longer than I thought. Guess it wasn’t so brief after all. And look at the time…well hope you had a happy Zombie Jesus day! Bye!
