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A birthday of personal crisis
15 years ago
General
Another year, another birthday. This one is the 22nd.
Getting called in to close at work today is causing self-reflection. And I don't like what I find.
I've only recently (as in the last few years) begun to feel free, to be able to see people and places I never could have at a younger age. Indeed, up until last year, I had NEVER met someone I initially met on the internet in person. It was wonderful, meeting all these people, people for whom I had nothing but a pseudonym with which to refer to them. It was exciting, it was awesome, it was an experience I wanted to have again and again.
But I can't enjoy that luxury.
I'm nearing (or rather, being forced to near) the end of my community-college-general-education, to move on to actual major work at a real university. And that disturbs me for several reasons. It means I won't have any more money: going away to a college costs a ton of that, and I have maybe $1000 to my name. There'll be no time to take up a part-time job, no way to pay for any non-school expenses I may end up with. All my money will go into paying for some student loans.
Which brings me to my next point: the education itself. On the one hand, I feel like I'm being rushed into this whole experience. On the other, I feel like I should know what I want to do with myself by now. I've only had, what, eight, ten years to think about that? I've gone through several majors, none of them leading anywhere: radio broadcasting, creative writing, cooking, web design, sociology. Attempts I've made on my own to find out what I should go for have led me nowhere. Attempting to talk to my parents about it has only made me question every decision I've ever made in my school career. "Just pick something!" "Do what you want!" How are you supposed to do what you want when you don't know what you want? I don't want to end up with a degree that isn't worth the paper it's written on! But I also don't want to end up falling into a job where I work ten hours a day, come home, cry/drink/something myself to sleep, then wake up and repeat.
God...I just don't know what to do any more.
Getting called in to close at work today is causing self-reflection. And I don't like what I find.
I've only recently (as in the last few years) begun to feel free, to be able to see people and places I never could have at a younger age. Indeed, up until last year, I had NEVER met someone I initially met on the internet in person. It was wonderful, meeting all these people, people for whom I had nothing but a pseudonym with which to refer to them. It was exciting, it was awesome, it was an experience I wanted to have again and again.
But I can't enjoy that luxury.
I'm nearing (or rather, being forced to near) the end of my community-college-general-education, to move on to actual major work at a real university. And that disturbs me for several reasons. It means I won't have any more money: going away to a college costs a ton of that, and I have maybe $1000 to my name. There'll be no time to take up a part-time job, no way to pay for any non-school expenses I may end up with. All my money will go into paying for some student loans.
Which brings me to my next point: the education itself. On the one hand, I feel like I'm being rushed into this whole experience. On the other, I feel like I should know what I want to do with myself by now. I've only had, what, eight, ten years to think about that? I've gone through several majors, none of them leading anywhere: radio broadcasting, creative writing, cooking, web design, sociology. Attempts I've made on my own to find out what I should go for have led me nowhere. Attempting to talk to my parents about it has only made me question every decision I've ever made in my school career. "Just pick something!" "Do what you want!" How are you supposed to do what you want when you don't know what you want? I don't want to end up with a degree that isn't worth the paper it's written on! But I also don't want to end up falling into a job where I work ten hours a day, come home, cry/drink/something myself to sleep, then wake up and repeat.
God...I just don't know what to do any more.
Here's the thing, and I'll be blunt, it doesn't matter. Not now anyway. With the exception of a few engineer/computer related occupations all 4 yr. degrees are the same. Employers are looking to see that you can get through college, those that care.
You are going to be exposed to teachers and counselors and other students who have access to info you don't yet, and they will guide a lot of your decisions, even if ultimately they are yours to make. The thing to concentrate on is being available when those people come along. And ta-daa you are already half way there. Just the fact that you are in school puts you way ahead of the game. My wife has gone from a degree in Religious Studies(not really a "money-maker" as a friend once put it) to working towards a Masters in Psychology. Surprisingly, the transition hasn't been difficult at all. So, even if your B.A./B.S. doesn't turn out to be exactly what you want, it's not as difficult to move into a more profitable field of study as it might have once been, or as they make it out to be.
You are smart and creative and sure, you have every reason to be nervous and scared or confused about the future. But, don't worry too much. You are making smart decisions, (comparatively) early in life. Things will improve. Many things will become clearer as time goes on, somethings less so. But that's ok, cuz it's life and that's how it works.
I'm sorry if I have been too long-winded or if my thoughts aren't welcome. I just wish you the absolute best. Oh, and happy birthday. :)
The other thing to bear in mind is its time to ask yourself this: Do you want to go to a 4 year college or would you rather go to a training school that teaches you a profession. Both are expensive, but that's what subsidized student loans are for. Don't be afraid of them, they're designed to be there forever and still pay for it. Right now college is expensive and the return isn't exactly keen...so consider going for a profession track.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do. My life's kinda screwballed into a weird direction and all I can do is take it, roll with it, and figure it out when I have to. I have a way...which is almost as good as a plan. So step back, take a week and ask yourself if you even want to go, and if so...well, you got a few months to figure out what to do. And if you end up getting a degree and don't actually use it, that's pretty damn common too. Only half of people actually work in the field they go to school for.
So remember...you're not alone.