hmm, I've been reflecting on my life as it is right now, and I guess it's alright. Most of my old friends that do know me only one is on this site and one newer friend is on here too. So I'll have to ask that you two (you know who you are) Please keep this a secret. I HATE to bother my friends with my problems. And I always smile, but it's been getting harder and harder to smile. I've always been determined to make things work out, somehow...but I am having reservations. I feel that this is the last time I can make something of my relationship and not bail out, like a spoiled child. I've been in bad relationships ever since I split up with my first boyfriend. My second boyfriend became my husband and he just emotionally and mentally abused me. He also, hmmm, I guess the best way to say it is...he 'beat some of his beliefs' into me without me realizing it. And, I don't mean religion either. Most of these habits have carried onto my next relationship, which has caused friction between us. So this one is not as bad as the last one...but not necessarily good either. Still abusive mentally, but not emotionally... And, I'm left to wonder...will I ever find the right one? I am depressed, mostly out of not being able to get along with him. I have a very carefree outlook towards life. And he has seen and been to many places, and not all the experiences have been good either. It has made him very rigid and calm. He's very serious, which I'm not... He's overly sensitive about things... that... *sighs* It's just that I care for him so much, but he...pushes me away by his actions...and other things... He blames these problems from the previous relationship for the rift between us. He says that if I clear up these problems, every thing would be fine...but isn't that unfair? or not? I've become fed up with 'fixing my problems' when he supposedly has none...or doesn't want to admit to any. And, when I bring it up, it gets justified every time. Am I being too childish? Or am I being naive? I know...I've barely had any relationships, three total. But, I'm sort of a very devoted person...so I find it hard to just date on a whim.... I am just unsure what to do... I know what I should do...but I'm afraid to do it. I've also become tired of 'Looking for the next one". I've totally decided to become lesbian after this one just to avoid another heartache. I'm sorry, I just need to get this out...