if i had.. the patients enough to sit here and draw, id be happy.. i wanna learn more and draw more but its like, now all i wanna do is play video games (yea im a hard core gamer) but realy the best thing i could do right now is draw.

hmm i also wish i had connections despite being anti social and a shut in, i would love to have some of the stuff i see through comics and tv shows ext ext... for instance, like friends that you can sleep around with and not have to worry about being stabbed in the back or having it held over your head dangling just out of reach and the more you try the more it drifts away... i guess i have not realy tried to consitering im anti social... but i dont have alot of friends and social networking realy realy realy think that its possibly the worse thing that could have ever happened.. well i mean half of it, it was a good idea, being able to have friends know whats going on where to go and stuff but when it comes down to it.. it opens you up to all the people out that that want nothing more then to see you suffer or hurt you bringing you down in complex ways. then agen im kinda crazy and i tend to over thing stuff, alot.. i mean ive got a couple voices in my head that keep tugging me in different directions, i want to be able to get out there have rough hot sex with random people and be able to talk about it like i do on the itnernet but im so fucking repressed sexualy becouse of things that happened in the past that im turning into a sexual deviant.. i dont wanna be that guy that creeps you out when your near him couse hes practicaly drooling all over you ready to rip your cloths off and rape you..

i just wish that i could take away this social stigma and be fearless and carefree in any conversation, i wanna be free to have sex with others with out getting emotionaly attached further then being just friends in a mutual way unless things get serious later on...

one of my biggest issues is that i rush into relationships blindly thinking i have it all figured out only to find later that the connection i thought i had was never there, and that the insecritys i have with trusting become clear leaving me once agen alone.. honestly?

i dont think i realy care anymore about it.. i think i could live perfectly content and safe and alone where no one not a god damn person could ever make me feel anyworse then i already do just being alone.. the sacrifice is well worth it, logicaly being a alone seems much better then taking a chance and being screwed over like soo many times before... the vary definition of insainity is to do something over and over expecting different results.

anyways im just venting hoping that one day ill break free from this latharic stand still, and become the person i always wanted to be...

oh before i end this, i just wanna say that yes dont worry i will get to drawing but as of right now i have no motivation, so bare with me.

-SynisterWrath