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*rant* FFFFFFUCK! *relationship*
15 years ago
<rant>
yes, I have broke up with my love that I have been going out for 5 years. and according to her, she didn't love me for the last 2 years. My fault, she says. She says I changed a lot...I graduated! and I need a job to fucking support my family and my self! and not only that, I'm supporting you, too! I'm taking on all the stress like any other bitches do to keep the other person happy. and what does she do? she fucking walks all over it and then says "I don't know if I love you anymore." OH...MY...GOD! I busted my ass off working, looking for a job,too. surviving, and I didn't have enough time to be with her, and she found herself a new "Best friend" that she supposedly hangs out with EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING.DAY! at his house, too! she barely ever came over to my house by her self. only once or twice in a year. she says "he's just a best friend" and does shit what BFs DON'T DO. "sleeping right next to each other, sitting on each other's lap, going on a piggy back ride...when I AM THERE. what ever she says to me, I would take in. she says "I don't like how you act when blah blah blah" I change my self. even now, I am changing my self in the appearance because you thought I am too fat. i bust my ass off for this relationship, giving you EVERYTHING I CAN! and she doesn't do shit back to me, except just fucking stabs me in the heart when she doesn't call me. I stopped calling her to see how long will it take for her to call me...FOR EVER. she never called me, while she calls her BF every day and night... so she just can't make 1 fucking MINUTE TO FUCKING CALL ME!? yea, shows how much you cared. I asked "do you love me?" she replies "I care about you" and no, she doesn't give a SHIT about me. she only cares about her poor love-thirsted ass. she waves her ass around, until she gets a better guy, then just pretends that she loves me. I drove her to places...I fucking lent her a CELL PHONE for 5 YEARS. and what, she just decides to stop loving me? ok, fine then, I guess you don't need your cell phone anymore, huh? oh yeah, you prolly won't need this computer and this TV when I move away, since you have your "Best Friend" that will buy you everything you fucking need. I never let any of this out to her. she doesn't know I am suffering so fucking much, she never knew, and never cared. I gave an obvious signs of stress and discomfort when she sees her "Best friend" but she just doesn't know. she doesn't know when I lie to her anymore. she doesn't know who I am any more. She doesn't know shit anymore...I praise her, I comment her, I comfort her, and what do I get? nothing. not a single fucking kiss when we were going out. it was a thank you hug, when she kisses her "best friend's" cheek. yea, if you and your "best friend" knew each other since you were like what...5th grade? then I wouldn't care...but you guys only knew each other for half a year! you just can't make "best friends" out of a snap! it takes more than a year! it took me a year and a half to even be your "best friend" oh yeah, I forgot...we were best friends weren't we? and you told me "he's not like that, we are BFs" ... DEJAVU MUCH!? I can guarantee you are going to fucking go out with him in lets see...next 3 months? probably after I leave for japan...I loved you with all my heart! you dumped me for another man, you cheated with me on another man. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN I WASN'T GOOD FOR YOU, BECAUSE I'M NOT TALL AND I AM NOT WHITE. not only that, I am not rich, I am not funny, I am not entertaining, I am not "special", I am not caring enough, I am not nice, I am not a "man", I am not who you once loved, I am not your ideal fucking MAN. you know what!? I AM nice, nice enough to rip my heart out in stress for you. nice enough to take 5 years worth of stress, and not let even 1 drop get to you. and you are right, I am not funny. I have no skills in humor. I am not sly or smart, so I can't just make you laugh by saying something funny. I have to think like 5 minutes to think of something funny. when I dumped her, I did it for my sake. since CHEATERS WILL ALWAYS BE A CHEATER, I just couldn't stand the idea of her sleeping with someone else while i am in japan for 4 years, trying to study my ass off for "OUR" life. I barely broke any promises...BARELY! but you broke almost every single fucking promise you have ever made to me..."I'll always love you" you said that to me twice...yea, REAAAAAAAAAAAALY convincing, and you broke it the third time. "call me when ever you go to your "best friend's house, k?" "k" and she doesn't call me at all. they don't know that I sometimes sneak behind their house, listening in to what they are doing (stalker, I know). You break so much promises, then why do I have to keep on suffering? Why don't you? oh yeah,thats right, you never loved "ME." You wanted me to be someone else the whole fucking time. You wanted me to "change" my self. You didn't want "ME" you wanted "IT." You walked all over me, you told me to change so many times, you took the advantage of everything, now, I don't even know what's "ME" anymore! I don't know if I am wearing a mask. I don't know if this whole thing is just a big lie. I don't know who you loved? Who did you love? did you love "William Olin Tadaaki Mashburn V" or "some perfect guy that you can be totally lazy on?"
You said that you felt like I used you for sex. ME!? use YOU!? hah! don't make me fucking laugh! you barely ever did make me cum! even once was a great hassle for you! and I make you cum like what? 3 times? unless you faked all the orgasms you had, which breaks another one of our promises. who's using who now again? I did ask for sex half of the time, but who ended up satisfied most of the time? yea, thats right, YOU.
I am such a horrible guy... I am wishing for her and her "best friend" to split up...something happens and they never see each other...and I also still "flirt" with her...hoping I still have another chance, even if I said "this is our last chance." I know it's wrong...but I would do anything to make her love me back... even if it's a lie...I was still happy...now days, I can't sleep or eat...I try, but I just can't. I vomit up the food I eat, I can't sleep...I know the exact reason. it's my heart broken state...how is it going to be fixed? only 1 way, for her to love me again...and I am not going to even think of loving some one else again...
what hurts the most, is that you smile towards your "best friend" in a way you used to smile at me...It's obvious that you have a "feeling towards him" and I know that he has a "feeling towards you." you know how long I have suffered through the whole stabbing in the back? EVER SINCE YOU HAD FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM! which is what...4 months!
I know you are going to tell your "best friend" about this. you tell him everything. you told him everything about our relationship from what I did, and what I said to him. why do I know? because you were like that when WE were going out.
fucking shit...why do I still love her...? please, someone tell me, why do I still love such a horrible bitch from the bottom of my heart, why does thinking about her make me cry? why guys, why? U don't know...I want to forget this feeling...I want to forget how "love" feels...if it hurts this fucking much, I don't want to fall in love again... DAMMIT! I LOVE YOu! WHY! PLEASE TELl Me!!! why! why why whywh ywhywhy!? I don't know! is it your body? is it your personality? is it your existence? after you read this....I want to know what you have to say. say I'm a bitch. say that I'm trying too hard, say I have no more chance to be with you, say you are going out with your "best friend" say that you don't want to see me ever again...but please, TELL ME WHY I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY DAY AND NIGHT!! </rant>
and no, I am not going to kill my self, for those who you are reading this and thinks Imma go commit suicide... and yes, I am going to be a dick, and I am going to make my love (my ex, but I still love her) read this and I am ready for my heart to burn to ashes, and I am ready to live my whole life without loving anyone, faking myself everyday.
man, I'm such an ugly asshole...
why...
yes, I have broke up with my love that I have been going out for 5 years. and according to her, she didn't love me for the last 2 years. My fault, she says. She says I changed a lot...I graduated! and I need a job to fucking support my family and my self! and not only that, I'm supporting you, too! I'm taking on all the stress like any other bitches do to keep the other person happy. and what does she do? she fucking walks all over it and then says "I don't know if I love you anymore." OH...MY...GOD! I busted my ass off working, looking for a job,too. surviving, and I didn't have enough time to be with her, and she found herself a new "Best friend" that she supposedly hangs out with EVERY.SINGLE.FUCKING.DAY! at his house, too! she barely ever came over to my house by her self. only once or twice in a year. she says "he's just a best friend" and does shit what BFs DON'T DO. "sleeping right next to each other, sitting on each other's lap, going on a piggy back ride...when I AM THERE. what ever she says to me, I would take in. she says "I don't like how you act when blah blah blah" I change my self. even now, I am changing my self in the appearance because you thought I am too fat. i bust my ass off for this relationship, giving you EVERYTHING I CAN! and she doesn't do shit back to me, except just fucking stabs me in the heart when she doesn't call me. I stopped calling her to see how long will it take for her to call me...FOR EVER. she never called me, while she calls her BF every day and night... so she just can't make 1 fucking MINUTE TO FUCKING CALL ME!? yea, shows how much you cared. I asked "do you love me?" she replies "I care about you" and no, she doesn't give a SHIT about me. she only cares about her poor love-thirsted ass. she waves her ass around, until she gets a better guy, then just pretends that she loves me. I drove her to places...I fucking lent her a CELL PHONE for 5 YEARS. and what, she just decides to stop loving me? ok, fine then, I guess you don't need your cell phone anymore, huh? oh yeah, you prolly won't need this computer and this TV when I move away, since you have your "Best Friend" that will buy you everything you fucking need. I never let any of this out to her. she doesn't know I am suffering so fucking much, she never knew, and never cared. I gave an obvious signs of stress and discomfort when she sees her "Best friend" but she just doesn't know. she doesn't know when I lie to her anymore. she doesn't know who I am any more. She doesn't know shit anymore...I praise her, I comment her, I comfort her, and what do I get? nothing. not a single fucking kiss when we were going out. it was a thank you hug, when she kisses her "best friend's" cheek. yea, if you and your "best friend" knew each other since you were like what...5th grade? then I wouldn't care...but you guys only knew each other for half a year! you just can't make "best friends" out of a snap! it takes more than a year! it took me a year and a half to even be your "best friend" oh yeah, I forgot...we were best friends weren't we? and you told me "he's not like that, we are BFs" ... DEJAVU MUCH!? I can guarantee you are going to fucking go out with him in lets see...next 3 months? probably after I leave for japan...I loved you with all my heart! you dumped me for another man, you cheated with me on another man. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN I WASN'T GOOD FOR YOU, BECAUSE I'M NOT TALL AND I AM NOT WHITE. not only that, I am not rich, I am not funny, I am not entertaining, I am not "special", I am not caring enough, I am not nice, I am not a "man", I am not who you once loved, I am not your ideal fucking MAN. you know what!? I AM nice, nice enough to rip my heart out in stress for you. nice enough to take 5 years worth of stress, and not let even 1 drop get to you. and you are right, I am not funny. I have no skills in humor. I am not sly or smart, so I can't just make you laugh by saying something funny. I have to think like 5 minutes to think of something funny. when I dumped her, I did it for my sake. since CHEATERS WILL ALWAYS BE A CHEATER, I just couldn't stand the idea of her sleeping with someone else while i am in japan for 4 years, trying to study my ass off for "OUR" life. I barely broke any promises...BARELY! but you broke almost every single fucking promise you have ever made to me..."I'll always love you" you said that to me twice...yea, REAAAAAAAAAAAALY convincing, and you broke it the third time. "call me when ever you go to your "best friend's house, k?" "k" and she doesn't call me at all. they don't know that I sometimes sneak behind their house, listening in to what they are doing (stalker, I know). You break so much promises, then why do I have to keep on suffering? Why don't you? oh yeah,thats right, you never loved "ME." You wanted me to be someone else the whole fucking time. You wanted me to "change" my self. You didn't want "ME" you wanted "IT." You walked all over me, you told me to change so many times, you took the advantage of everything, now, I don't even know what's "ME" anymore! I don't know if I am wearing a mask. I don't know if this whole thing is just a big lie. I don't know who you loved? Who did you love? did you love "William Olin Tadaaki Mashburn V" or "some perfect guy that you can be totally lazy on?"
You said that you felt like I used you for sex. ME!? use YOU!? hah! don't make me fucking laugh! you barely ever did make me cum! even once was a great hassle for you! and I make you cum like what? 3 times? unless you faked all the orgasms you had, which breaks another one of our promises. who's using who now again? I did ask for sex half of the time, but who ended up satisfied most of the time? yea, thats right, YOU.
I am such a horrible guy... I am wishing for her and her "best friend" to split up...something happens and they never see each other...and I also still "flirt" with her...hoping I still have another chance, even if I said "this is our last chance." I know it's wrong...but I would do anything to make her love me back... even if it's a lie...I was still happy...now days, I can't sleep or eat...I try, but I just can't. I vomit up the food I eat, I can't sleep...I know the exact reason. it's my heart broken state...how is it going to be fixed? only 1 way, for her to love me again...and I am not going to even think of loving some one else again...
what hurts the most, is that you smile towards your "best friend" in a way you used to smile at me...It's obvious that you have a "feeling towards him" and I know that he has a "feeling towards you." you know how long I have suffered through the whole stabbing in the back? EVER SINCE YOU HAD FEELINGS TOWARDS HIM! which is what...4 months!
I know you are going to tell your "best friend" about this. you tell him everything. you told him everything about our relationship from what I did, and what I said to him. why do I know? because you were like that when WE were going out.
fucking shit...why do I still love her...? please, someone tell me, why do I still love such a horrible bitch from the bottom of my heart, why does thinking about her make me cry? why guys, why? U don't know...I want to forget this feeling...I want to forget how "love" feels...if it hurts this fucking much, I don't want to fall in love again... DAMMIT! I LOVE YOu! WHY! PLEASE TELl Me!!! why! why why whywh ywhywhy!? I don't know! is it your body? is it your personality? is it your existence? after you read this....I want to know what you have to say. say I'm a bitch. say that I'm trying too hard, say I have no more chance to be with you, say you are going out with your "best friend" say that you don't want to see me ever again...but please, TELL ME WHY I STILL LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY DAY AND NIGHT!! </rant>
and no, I am not going to kill my self, for those who you are reading this and thinks Imma go commit suicide... and yes, I am going to be a dick, and I am going to make my love (my ex, but I still love her) read this and I am ready for my heart to burn to ashes, and I am ready to live my whole life without loving anyone, faking myself everyday.
man, I'm such an ugly asshole...
why...
Keep cool and let the rhythm flows, maybe lady luck will guide you one day..~~
Just hoping the best for ya.
but yea, I don't think I'm ever going to feel any better. I'll always feel this pain, and I chose not to love anyone else.
You'll get over it though, don't worry.
If you ever need to vent to someone, go ahead and shoot me a note or IM me.