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I Should have been doing more of these (long journal)
15 years ago
Back and alive as of July 2020. we'll see how long that lasts XD
If this journal is too long, just read the first line of every paragraph, should give you a general idea of everything in this (and continue reading the paragraph if your interested)
I know I haven't posted any journ... scratch that ANYTHING at all in a long time, I'm sorry for anyone that actually may have expected anything from me, I'm still here though ^^
my mind has been racing thru so many things lately it's confusing. (I know cutting this one short :P (not really... just read below x'D))
First off, I "graduated" finally! both degrees (Computer science and Architecture, 2 year degrees). well, I think...
I'm still technically finishing one course. (Software Engineering) I kinda got held back about 5 weeks in the course because of things outside my control so the teacher gave me an extension. luckily the course was online anyways... buuuut...
no matter what, I can't seem to get anywhere with it. a lot of it is lack of focus, as well as real life hitting me fast after school got out (not to mention, the first 2 weeks out of school, I got called into work 5 TIMES!!! >_<) in addition, one of the 3 sections I had left took me over 4 days of ACTUAL working time on it to figure out why I couldn't get it to work (stupid "errors under your nose"). true this only effects the computer science though... buuuut
I'm also not sure if I actually qualified on the other degree either x_x. see... I'm pretty sure I did. I got the necessary number of courses and I passed them all, not to mention online it says I met ALL requirements... but I have this nagging feeling that I had to get a C or higher for all Architecture specific courses to actually pass the degree... and I got a D+ in one of them x_x what really grinds my gears though is that the teacher had already said to the entire class that they already had a C or higher... I know I don't really mean it but GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH >_<
(Rant)
additionally, EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS GETTING ON MY BACK ABOUT EVERYTHING. I know their only concerned about me.... or... at least I think so. their constantly on me about the class work for the one class, so much so it actually un-motivates me and distracts me from doing it (I haven't gone one day without 2-3 phone-calls about if I'm working on it in the past week). also they keep getting on me about looking into what I'm doing in the future (schooling/work) but I'm so busy I can't even try to do that. my dad also keeps getting on me about taking extra hours at work (what was the last line -.-). my mom's also constantly asking me about my weight -.- (most anyone that knows me online knows I'm actually trying to gain weight, but my mom constantly has to badger me about how much I weigh... despite really knowing it already (it's like she's in denial or something)). My brother has been bugging me NON-STOP about his Pokemon game x_x I know I'm like an encyclopedia almost when it comes to those games but it's like every 5 minutes if I'm near him, and he calls my with stupid questions he could find out himself if he'd actually just put 5 minutes effort in. Also... to put it bluntly my Grandma's just driving me nuts. she never seems to have anything nice to say and every time I see here she has to point out something I'm doing wrong x_x.
I'm trying to figure out what even happens now. I know in the last paragraph I said I don't have enough time to even figure that out, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it still. I really need to figure something out. personally, I want to get away from here. I still live with my family and I don't think I could handle a far away move all in one foul swoop right now... but I want to because I'm loosing my sanity here, besides my family driving me nuts, I absolutely can not stand the weather here. I also need to look into a real job. I need to face facts, cause while working for my dad is convenient, $8 an hour (even without taxes taken out) isn't much, I can't stand the job anyways, and his businesses quite frankly probably should have been shut down years ago with his debts (and probably will be shut down soon). I can defiantly say I'm not anticipating my inheritances from him (5 year in the future or 50 years in the future, I'm sure either way, I'm probably going to inherit close to or even over a half-million dollars in debt, and I'll almost defiantly be the one getting it x_x))
(End Rant)
(Self-pity)
on a completely different note, how does one talk/meet new people? I know that probably sounds like a joke but it's not. I can't seem to talk to people I don't know... or even just haven't talked to in a while unless I have a really specific and functional reason anymore. I'm not making acquaintances anymore, and I'm slowly loosing the ones I have... I probably need psychological help (yet I probably don't just cause I'm the one who said it (self diagnosis and all that jazz)). it probably doesn't help that I'm paranoid like crazy. I won't put almost any real information on myself online, even to individuals (like picture, my name, phone number ect...). I also feel like every time I talk to someone I'm going to make them hate me and never want to talk to me again. the only scenario I can even pull off talking to people is a work scenario (sales and store information ect... (and I'm STILL afraid to answer the phone there (unless I know who it is)), and as stated earlier... that's a functional propose, so I generally don't have as much problem.
(ehh... nvm don't read the next one)
also, I need to find my self a girl/boy friend... seriously, I'm 21, I've never even really had anything that could be considered a real relationship honestly, and I seem to be going mad with loneliness. I think it probably part of the cause of my lack of motivation for... well... anything
(End self-pity)
well, that's all basically. I'll see you... urrr... read you next time I post something. I have stuff to post but no motivation to really post it. maybe eventually, not that I actually do much that interests anyone (at least doesn't really seem that way to me)
I know I haven't posted any journ... scratch that ANYTHING at all in a long time, I'm sorry for anyone that actually may have expected anything from me, I'm still here though ^^
my mind has been racing thru so many things lately it's confusing. (I know cutting this one short :P (not really... just read below x'D))
First off, I "graduated" finally! both degrees (Computer science and Architecture, 2 year degrees). well, I think...
I'm still technically finishing one course. (Software Engineering) I kinda got held back about 5 weeks in the course because of things outside my control so the teacher gave me an extension. luckily the course was online anyways... buuuut...
no matter what, I can't seem to get anywhere with it. a lot of it is lack of focus, as well as real life hitting me fast after school got out (not to mention, the first 2 weeks out of school, I got called into work 5 TIMES!!! >_<) in addition, one of the 3 sections I had left took me over 4 days of ACTUAL working time on it to figure out why I couldn't get it to work (stupid "errors under your nose"). true this only effects the computer science though... buuuut
I'm also not sure if I actually qualified on the other degree either x_x. see... I'm pretty sure I did. I got the necessary number of courses and I passed them all, not to mention online it says I met ALL requirements... but I have this nagging feeling that I had to get a C or higher for all Architecture specific courses to actually pass the degree... and I got a D+ in one of them x_x what really grinds my gears though is that the teacher had already said to the entire class that they already had a C or higher... I know I don't really mean it but GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH >_<
(Rant)
additionally, EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY IS GETTING ON MY BACK ABOUT EVERYTHING. I know their only concerned about me.... or... at least I think so. their constantly on me about the class work for the one class, so much so it actually un-motivates me and distracts me from doing it (I haven't gone one day without 2-3 phone-calls about if I'm working on it in the past week). also they keep getting on me about looking into what I'm doing in the future (schooling/work) but I'm so busy I can't even try to do that. my dad also keeps getting on me about taking extra hours at work (what was the last line -.-). my mom's also constantly asking me about my weight -.- (most anyone that knows me online knows I'm actually trying to gain weight, but my mom constantly has to badger me about how much I weigh... despite really knowing it already (it's like she's in denial or something)). My brother has been bugging me NON-STOP about his Pokemon game x_x I know I'm like an encyclopedia almost when it comes to those games but it's like every 5 minutes if I'm near him, and he calls my with stupid questions he could find out himself if he'd actually just put 5 minutes effort in. Also... to put it bluntly my Grandma's just driving me nuts. she never seems to have anything nice to say and every time I see here she has to point out something I'm doing wrong x_x.
I'm trying to figure out what even happens now. I know in the last paragraph I said I don't have enough time to even figure that out, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it still. I really need to figure something out. personally, I want to get away from here. I still live with my family and I don't think I could handle a far away move all in one foul swoop right now... but I want to because I'm loosing my sanity here, besides my family driving me nuts, I absolutely can not stand the weather here. I also need to look into a real job. I need to face facts, cause while working for my dad is convenient, $8 an hour (even without taxes taken out) isn't much, I can't stand the job anyways, and his businesses quite frankly probably should have been shut down years ago with his debts (and probably will be shut down soon). I can defiantly say I'm not anticipating my inheritances from him (5 year in the future or 50 years in the future, I'm sure either way, I'm probably going to inherit close to or even over a half-million dollars in debt, and I'll almost defiantly be the one getting it x_x))
(End Rant)
(Self-pity)
on a completely different note, how does one talk/meet new people? I know that probably sounds like a joke but it's not. I can't seem to talk to people I don't know... or even just haven't talked to in a while unless I have a really specific and functional reason anymore. I'm not making acquaintances anymore, and I'm slowly loosing the ones I have... I probably need psychological help (yet I probably don't just cause I'm the one who said it (self diagnosis and all that jazz)). it probably doesn't help that I'm paranoid like crazy. I won't put almost any real information on myself online, even to individuals (like picture, my name, phone number ect...). I also feel like every time I talk to someone I'm going to make them hate me and never want to talk to me again. the only scenario I can even pull off talking to people is a work scenario (sales and store information ect... (and I'm STILL afraid to answer the phone there (unless I know who it is)), and as stated earlier... that's a functional propose, so I generally don't have as much problem.
(ehh... nvm don't read the next one)
also, I need to find my self a girl/boy friend... seriously, I'm 21, I've never even really had anything that could be considered a real relationship honestly, and I seem to be going mad with loneliness. I think it probably part of the cause of my lack of motivation for... well... anything
(End self-pity)
well, that's all basically. I'll see you... urrr... read you next time I post something. I have stuff to post but no motivation to really post it. maybe eventually, not that I actually do much that interests anyone (at least doesn't really seem that way to me)
Family: Have you tried explaining to them that they're badgering you about something you're trying to get under control yourself? By the sound of it they may not back off even after that, but I think it's worth a try at least.
People: Don't feel bad about having trouble meeting new people; as far as I've seen, most people are uncomfortable with making acquaintances with strangers, making meeting new people hard on both ends. People on FA seem to be a lot more social, though, so should be easier here. I'm not at all a pro at meeting new people, but I can suggest what I think would be good ideas.
To meet people, do what you did to meet me :P The best place to meet new people would be art streams, because there is usually a small group of actively talking people. Once there, chat casually about whatever the current topic of conversation is. If the conversation ever dies, ask a general personal question to get to know people better, like what everyone does in their free time. Before the stream ends, ask for contact info from people you think you'd like to keep in contact with. Try to go for instant message info, not FA info.
Once you've got contact information, try every now and then (how often depends on the person) to start a conversation with them. One of the easiest ways to start a conversation is by asking what they're doing or have been doing since you've last spoken. If they respond with "nothing," which may as well be a conversation killer, start asking more general personal questions that you don't already know about them. If you can find a shared interest, you may be able to do something together, like play a game.
Don't worry about your paranoia about making people hate you. I have the same feeling whenever I talk to people, both online and offline (especially because my offline friends are Jesus-lovers and I'm agnostic, leaning atheist), and they haven't stopped talking to me quite yet :D The way I look at it, be yourself around everyone. The only friends that are worthwhile will either be tolerant of some of the things they dislike in people (otherwise they'd be lonely too) or will tell you what's bothering them about you, and you can judge for yourself whether you should change or not.
Partner: I can't give any advice, I'm single and so far glad to be.