I have received a call tonight from my mother. My grandmother is not expected to live through the night. I have been through deaths in the family before and i have normally weathered them well. This one is different. Aside from Josh and my grandfather on my dad's side, my grandma Edie is the one person who has never used me, has never thought of me as a failure for any short coming. She has never asked me to help her through her hard times and then tossed me aside for more interesting or successful people. but now, not only is she going to die, I have to go be the only one with her when she does. I have never watched some one I loved die. I am uncertain who i would even call when it happens. There is this strange, hot icy ball in my heart that hurts like I never felt before. I have seen bodies taken away in those black bags, I have stared down at the man who was my true brother in heart and soul as he lay cold in his casket, but never have I witnessed some one's passing. For the first time in my life, I am scared and I wish I could hide from this reality. To make matters worse, I will have to be up early for work tomorrow. Another day to be treated like an idiot and like lazy scum just for the uniform I wear and the job I do. So many selfish people who want to just consume fat inducing slop for their own selfish lazy needs.

She never wished ill upon anyone, she always worked hard all her life, taking care of six children by herself while working two jobs. She worked so much and so hard that she never learned to cook a turkey until she was 60 years old, it was her first thanksgiving off in all her adult life. Many would call her a failure because she never lived in more than a run down house or apartment, she never had nice cars or the like. Most of her children left her behind to pursue unsavory paths in life. She fought so hard to make sure they didn't end up like that, but most of them did. I can't imagine the pain in her heart every time she heard of what they were doing and what consequences they met. Many would look down on her, because they never fought so hard to give as much as they could like she did.

Update: As i typed this, I received a call, some one else is staying with her tonight, so i do not have to watch her die.. but somehow, this brings no relief. I really don't know what i feel right now, all I know is that it hurts, a lot.