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OMG! A REAL JOURAL ENTRY?
15 years ago
dear journal as well as whom ever so choses to read this,
the day has just started and yet i walk with a hevy heart. everything around me is bathed in beauty and and love... so why is it that i feel so alone... feeling as if i can soar up to the hevans but your feet are cemented in to concret blocks... almost as if im a mountin and i can touch the air but am taunted by all the clouds and birds...
my kitty has been busy i guess... i dont get to see him online as much... but we do text and if im lucky i'll get a phone call... i know i know... im stupid right? the phone works two ways! lol... but i know he's out with his friends or at work or off with his family. because he isnt out to his family in a way i too am in hiding...
but this weekend he is off with his friends going to bars, chatting up new people and seeing how things go there... thinking about this strikes fear into my heart... i know he says he loves me and is picky about who he would show signs of interest to... but what if he were to lower his standerds for someone closer.. i mean im 2000 miles away from him.
are you stronger for being able to be in a long distance relationship... what if it's open... how does the state of your relationship afect your love for this person... i love him and it hurts me when i know or think about someone else mating with him... but it's unfair of me to ask him not to... right?... i mean... he has needs too... i maybe in heat but i chose not to act on it... the drive and the urge to is there... but... im not sure if this is selfish or not... but i only want to mate with my mate or a really really really good friend because i know i can trust them... but im holding off for as long as i can... i know you may not want to know this but my paw is cramping up so im not sure how much more of this i can take... normally the heat would have passed within a few days of it starting and its been nearly a week...
it's hard to explain in words... how it is that a person can love someone that they have never actaully physicaly been with... almost everyone i know has been telling me to just cut my losses and try to find someone new... someone closer... someone here... But i've tried that... and that has only brought me pain and sarrow... there was one that i kept falling for, but he's made it clear that nothing will ever happen, because his heart belongs to another.
At times i am happy alone, but something about me that will never change is that im happiest when im with others. and when im in a relationship that makes me feel like i am more then worth it. when i stand alone for the most part i feel i feel like my life is worth living because i know that i am loved by not only myself but my friends as well. but when im in a realtionship... i have more passion... more fire... more motivation and more straingth to move mountans.
i guess the question that everyone is wondering is is it worth it? is it worth ripping myself apart worrying or even ripping myself apart so that i can put myself back together and find answers or keys to unlock the doors that stand in my way...
my answer is... I Don't Know... but i do know that im tired of waiting to life to happen for me because i know that if i don't do what im doing... then life will not just hand me everything that i've ever wanted on a silver plate. it never has... i look back on the path that i have walked and it has been hard... some might say it was only difficult because i made it that way... and some might say i was just unfortunate... but in the end i hope that it makes me stronger for having had walked it.
the day has just started and yet i walk with a hevy heart. everything around me is bathed in beauty and and love... so why is it that i feel so alone... feeling as if i can soar up to the hevans but your feet are cemented in to concret blocks... almost as if im a mountin and i can touch the air but am taunted by all the clouds and birds...
my kitty has been busy i guess... i dont get to see him online as much... but we do text and if im lucky i'll get a phone call... i know i know... im stupid right? the phone works two ways! lol... but i know he's out with his friends or at work or off with his family. because he isnt out to his family in a way i too am in hiding...
but this weekend he is off with his friends going to bars, chatting up new people and seeing how things go there... thinking about this strikes fear into my heart... i know he says he loves me and is picky about who he would show signs of interest to... but what if he were to lower his standerds for someone closer.. i mean im 2000 miles away from him.
are you stronger for being able to be in a long distance relationship... what if it's open... how does the state of your relationship afect your love for this person... i love him and it hurts me when i know or think about someone else mating with him... but it's unfair of me to ask him not to... right?... i mean... he has needs too... i maybe in heat but i chose not to act on it... the drive and the urge to is there... but... im not sure if this is selfish or not... but i only want to mate with my mate or a really really really good friend because i know i can trust them... but im holding off for as long as i can... i know you may not want to know this but my paw is cramping up so im not sure how much more of this i can take... normally the heat would have passed within a few days of it starting and its been nearly a week...
it's hard to explain in words... how it is that a person can love someone that they have never actaully physicaly been with... almost everyone i know has been telling me to just cut my losses and try to find someone new... someone closer... someone here... But i've tried that... and that has only brought me pain and sarrow... there was one that i kept falling for, but he's made it clear that nothing will ever happen, because his heart belongs to another.
At times i am happy alone, but something about me that will never change is that im happiest when im with others. and when im in a relationship that makes me feel like i am more then worth it. when i stand alone for the most part i feel i feel like my life is worth living because i know that i am loved by not only myself but my friends as well. but when im in a realtionship... i have more passion... more fire... more motivation and more straingth to move mountans.
i guess the question that everyone is wondering is is it worth it? is it worth ripping myself apart worrying or even ripping myself apart so that i can put myself back together and find answers or keys to unlock the doors that stand in my way...
my answer is... I Don't Know... but i do know that im tired of waiting to life to happen for me because i know that if i don't do what im doing... then life will not just hand me everything that i've ever wanted on a silver plate. it never has... i look back on the path that i have walked and it has been hard... some might say it was only difficult because i made it that way... and some might say i was just unfortunate... but in the end i hope that it makes me stronger for having had walked it.
