so my birthday just passed... im 20 now...

my birthday with my family was a bit of a dud. all i really wanted was to not spend it alone and to have a nice dinner with my family, but for some reason that didnt even happen. i'm not really upset that i didnt get any gifts, time's are hard and i didnt really expect to get anything.

yesterday was nice. i spent my day with an ex. we had a great time and i'm glad that we got to hang out.

i went to dinner with a few of my bear friends and to be honest i was 45 minutes late and felt horible about having had made 11 hungry big guys wait for me. *scratches my head*... a friend came in from out of town and his back was killing him so he asked if i could work on his back. well the massage went late because i wasnt paying attention to the time... i know my falt... and we got to the resturaunt late. it was really irrisponcible of me, and im sure that some of them felt that i was a bit ungreatful about it all because they came to celibrate my birthday and i was late. *ears fall as i look down fidgeting with my paws*..

after the food was served everyone seemed to be in a better mood some of the guys went home because they had long days and a few of us went over to another friends house to hang out and relax. i stayed the night and talked to my friend opening up being honest about things that i have a hard time dealing with...
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Part 2
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So you know how when you have a birthday, most of the time people ask, "how do you feel?" or "so, you feel any difforent?"

im not sure about you but honestly i normaly dont feel difforent... i feel like my birthday was just another day out of the year that just passed. except for this past friday... my 20th birthday...

i can't quite put my finger on it but i feel difforent... like something isnt right... like im no longer myself anymore... something changed inside of me and it bothers me...

my parents say that im just growing up, while others say i'll get over it, it's just a faze.

but honestly something doesnt feel right... I feel so lost and confused... im frustrated and exosted... i find myself drifting through the day with the thoughts that fester inside the corners of my mind like cobwebs.
even now as i type up this journal... i catch myself drifting off in thought about Ian...

many people don't agree with long distance relationships... while others don't care too much...
what does he really feel for me... and what does he feel he gets out of being with me... or trying to be with me...

I feel the comunication slipping... i see him drifting away from me and closer to people who are physicaly around him... I'm not really angry at him... i do understand... he's been unemployed for a year so he was sitting behind a computer screen for all that time... all he had were people who were online to talk to... now he has real friends to hang out with... people who can actually hold him or go to bars with...

should i really give up?... im so scared right now... i know that it's difficult to explain... and most of you feel that it is for the better that me and him dont be together... but it breaks my heart to think of not having my chance to meet him... and physically spend time with him...

you're probably thinking that i'm silly for even being in this situation or for thinking that even if i let him go that this would be the end of things between us and that if we really were meant to stay friends that we would... but honestly... im afraide... im afraide that he will stop talking to me because he wouldnt need me anymore... because he would have those other guys to play with and spend time with he wouldnt need me around... so i'd be tossed out like yesterdays trash...

*looks down*... i know i know... if he does that then he's a jerk and doesnt deserve me in the first place, right?...

*sighs*... he is a really nice guy. he is handsome... has an amazing heart... he has a personality... is very social... he shines... he does have his down falls... because yes no person is perfict.

i feel like im fighting a war against myself and i feel like it honestly is killing me slowly from the inside out... i've been lossing sleep and last night i cried myself to sleep...

maybe it would just be better if i left ian... *ears fall*... maybe he would be happyer... he could find someone closer to him with out feeling guilty and be happy... i really so love him and want to do anything i can to make him as happy as he should be...

anyways i'm sorry for boring you with my wall of text...

kazkaz over and out.