So, first off, if you just noticed i fav'd 10 of your submissions from the last 6 months, its because i only fav things that often. i leave them in recent subs for a while because people delete things too often.


So, Yea, Once again i neglect to update here, but this time i think i have good timing..
My emotions are starting to settle from all thats been going on.

Summary:
Got very frustrated with life
Got very frustrated with my bf of 2 and almost a half years.
Said boyfriend and me broke up
Life goals and desires changed
A friend i've had for a bit and me hooked up
drama drama drama
A local friend i wish i could have been better friends with died


So, the long version

I wasn't happy with the way i was living my life.. Even now, There are some aspects that will change over time, but i cant change immediately (work for one)
I was always so easily upset, cranky, unhappy. I saw things from the bad side first and had to be convinced there was a good side to everything, and it was not easy to convince me..

Me and Chris fought a lot recently, broke up for extremely short terms, and it tore me apart more and more every time.. It was always over stupid shit, we were just always so tense with each other.. And i wanted/asked for things that im now pretty sure i dont want in life, but i desired them then as an effort to be comfortable...
We talked earlier this month and decided it was best not to keep going with that and since then he hasnt been doing too well..

I kinda figured out what i want in life at this point, and that is to enjoy it.. I dont want to sit still, i dont want to play video games all the time, i dont want to be at work all the time either.. I want someone to take care of me, but i can take care of, and not butt heads with.. Someone that wont just talk to me but will keep me from reverting to all that i used to be, a lazy antisocial shut-in.. (and i think i've found that person)

A person i met that, at first, i thought "oh, new fur, whatever" but then after he started talking i kinda couldnt help but to be around him, recently got together too.. [drama surrounding that in next paragraph] Since i got to know him i knew i wanted him as my friend for life.. his outlook on life is just so.. all there. He knows how to get through things with a smile, and enjoy himself lots too.. I Cant say that it will be forever just yet, it has been such a short time, but the connection runs very deep, and i hope thats a sign that it is forever..

Drama.. Fffff the drama. so, first person first, Chris is completely torn up by seeing me with someone else. and im torn up by seeing him unhappy.. but i did consider it right away when it ended if he needed it, to go back to him... like all the times before.. but the discussion on us ending it was final.. i couldnt do the pain anymore.. and yea i'd see him happy for a short time, then we'd just end up back the same way.. It wouldnt help either me or him in the long run
Roommates: both mine and his roomies arent too "okay" with whats going on.. Mine i try to spend as much time as i can with, because i see him as a very close friend, that may develop into a best friend scenario.. If this mess doesnt fuck that chance up.
The world.. The local community apparently doesnt like whats going on.. thinking its too soon and, even people i know that arent here think the same thing.. but i ask this of anyone who thinks that.. Why? Why is it too soon? dont people realize that the people involved are aware of how soon it is, of everything thats going on? it's been discussed and its not anyone else's business to say what should be happening between me and whoever.


And on a sad note.. Everyone in the local group here just lost a friend..
Details arent to be posted as per request by family.. but the loss of this person has a bigger impact on me than i could ever have imagined it having...
The last time i saw him he was rather upset, and didnt want to talk to me..
but he was one of the first people i met in this city, and was always there to help people, even me, when i may have needed help, he offered.
I wish i could have seen him happy again before he went, as his time came very early.. but i am told the night before he died.. he was happy. Things had been good for him for at least that day...
We will all miss him.






So, i've been doing good, but at the same time, not so good.
The good things are what keep me happy, but when i look at all thats happened.. i kind of wish it all didnt have to happen. Life is full of changes, and changes are never easy. I've been able to be happy, but at the same time, i'm not trying to hide it, but i am pretty upset over everything, i just dont think it's shown, and that may have made me appear as a jerk. I'm not trying to be, i'm just trying to sort it all out, and find the things from all this that i can learn from and


And so, i hide in silence again. Expect another big confusing journal in a few months.