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Not Happy.
15 years ago
If you could have one super power for a day, a new one for each day of the month, what would you choose?So, I recounted my shit... Like.. the value of the stuff in my room, and then in my living room.. I'm so fucking disappointed.
So, in my room alone.
XPS Laptop - $2,500
Sharp 32" 1080p TV - $750 on sale
Xbox 360 Elite - $520 (Refurbished)
Xbox 360 games - $2,970 Averaged (From 54 games)
Fan - $50
Tapped Tin Holographic Picture - $350 (Of My Dragon)
6' X 4' Down Pillow Bed - $300
Camelback Kit - $250
Samsung Impression - $400
Ipod Touch 16gb - $350
Skullcandy DJphones - $125
Add up all the small shit to equal about $700 alone.. now.. for the sadness.. for a total of $9,265.
Now for my living room I got a $1,500 Desktop and about $3,000 in pc games and music.
Fuck.. I wish I just had a car to drive off a cliff or down a hill or off a bridge.
None of this shit makes me happy anymore.
I cant even look at my own parents and recognize who they are.. when I do see them it's like.. I swear I should just be dead and in purgatory so I could see if I'm missed, or even noticed. Sat outside and got eaten by mosquitos hoping for west nile for fucking almost 2 hours... just sat there.. looking up at the sky wondering why its so far from my reach.
Depression fucking sucks, I dont really feel sad I just want to experience myself dying so I can see what it's like, or whats on the other side.
I've asked others what they think of this feeling and they say I'm just suicidal or want attention.. Well maybe I do want attention, I mean, I would be less bored. I do go to peoples places and meet new people, I'd love to move somewhere but I just dont like anywhere else other than the place I've lived mostly, I just dont like the aspect of the other places I just cant find joy in.
Fuck I wish I could go get my gun from my fathers,,, or had an allergy that was life threatening... it just seems so much better than this.
Also, I would like to know some peoples aspects on the sexual thrill. I mean, I've been there.. done that.. but after a while it's all the same shit just a different mess of limbs with another soulless face attached to it. That's all I see of people when it comes to attraction, all I want is to be happy, I just dont find that sexual aspect when essentially you can just do it yourself, I mean, practice makes perfect right, then who really needs another to do it when you got that part down, it's not like it's EVER felt any different to me. It never lasts even either.
Fuck being alone is shit, it just straight blows in the wind man I would like something sharp or explosive to bite down on and just see where I end up if I'm still alive, fuck it all, fuck pleasures, I just want what anyone expects in life, sweet death. Fuck.
So, in my room alone.
XPS Laptop - $2,500
Sharp 32" 1080p TV - $750 on sale
Xbox 360 Elite - $520 (Refurbished)
Xbox 360 games - $2,970 Averaged (From 54 games)
Fan - $50
Tapped Tin Holographic Picture - $350 (Of My Dragon)
6' X 4' Down Pillow Bed - $300
Camelback Kit - $250
Samsung Impression - $400
Ipod Touch 16gb - $350
Skullcandy DJphones - $125
Add up all the small shit to equal about $700 alone.. now.. for the sadness.. for a total of $9,265.
Now for my living room I got a $1,500 Desktop and about $3,000 in pc games and music.
Fuck.. I wish I just had a car to drive off a cliff or down a hill or off a bridge.
None of this shit makes me happy anymore.
I cant even look at my own parents and recognize who they are.. when I do see them it's like.. I swear I should just be dead and in purgatory so I could see if I'm missed, or even noticed. Sat outside and got eaten by mosquitos hoping for west nile for fucking almost 2 hours... just sat there.. looking up at the sky wondering why its so far from my reach.
Depression fucking sucks, I dont really feel sad I just want to experience myself dying so I can see what it's like, or whats on the other side.
I've asked others what they think of this feeling and they say I'm just suicidal or want attention.. Well maybe I do want attention, I mean, I would be less bored. I do go to peoples places and meet new people, I'd love to move somewhere but I just dont like anywhere else other than the place I've lived mostly, I just dont like the aspect of the other places I just cant find joy in.
Fuck I wish I could go get my gun from my fathers,,, or had an allergy that was life threatening... it just seems so much better than this.
Also, I would like to know some peoples aspects on the sexual thrill. I mean, I've been there.. done that.. but after a while it's all the same shit just a different mess of limbs with another soulless face attached to it. That's all I see of people when it comes to attraction, all I want is to be happy, I just dont find that sexual aspect when essentially you can just do it yourself, I mean, practice makes perfect right, then who really needs another to do it when you got that part down, it's not like it's EVER felt any different to me. It never lasts even either.
Fuck being alone is shit, it just straight blows in the wind man I would like something sharp or explosive to bite down on and just see where I end up if I'm still alive, fuck it all, fuck pleasures, I just want what anyone expects in life, sweet death. Fuck.
I started going to fur meets specifically for Dark Furs, since I could only relate with people weird, violant, and who had a love of blood and gore like I do. And it helped me get out of the depression pit. I went to my first meet in 2005 and after I had to go back home my debression came right back, but I realized that if I wanted to roll over and beg for death I could...or fight to get back to that happy place I found. My whole life I've had to fight for.
Life is a bitch, it loves picking you up only to knock you back down. And it's damaged me, damaged my trust in people, damaged my self esteem, damaged my persception of sanity. And for once in my life I think my struggle is about to go somewhere, I can only hope it does. That's why I want you to fight, earn your happiness, because it's worth it, it's your life, fight for it and make it into something.