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The Complete Virgin's Guide to Sex - Important Truths
15 years ago
Those of you who know me pretty well know that in real life, I'm a virgin to the point of never having kissed someone, mew, and was actually so afraid of this thing called "sex" that it took several months of private counseling before I was even able to admit that sex was something I'd actually want to experience in my lifetime. Those of you who don't know me that well ... now know all this as well.
So, in the process of trying to decipher this mystery, I've found several important things that I either didn't know or disagreed with, which wound up being pretty danged important for me on my path to "recovery". I figured I'd share them, because they helped me develop into a person who is now not nearly as scared.
* Sex is a beautiful thing when shared between two people who love each other, respect each other, and care about each other. Just because it's bad when it's something like rape or abuse, doesn't mean it's bad when done properly.
* Women want sex. Sex is not something that a man forces on a woman, not something that only the man enjoys. Women want sex as much as, if not more than, men, and in certain ways it feels better to them. Furthermore, women like being told that they are physically attractive.
* Abstinence-only education is seriously flawed, if not outright wrong. What I was taught was pretty much "sex is a horrible, scary, dangerous thing ... so save it for the one person you love most dearly." Apparently people tend to ignore the first part of this, but in my case, it lead me to the point of "I never want to do that even to someone I love" ... in short, it BROKE me. I, even as a solid Christian, will not be teaching this to my kittens. That is how major this point is.
* I may not be ready for sex right now, but that's okay. I will be ready when I need to be.
* Physical romance is a long path with many stepping stones. A simple kiss doesn't lead to outright sex unless both parties push it that way. Just because I may not want sex, doesn't mean that I can't still cuddle or be physically close.
* The first time I have sex, while yes is supposed to be extremely special, and needs to be with someone who truly means everything to me, is not the end. Sex is something that actually improves with practice, and while that first moment is a major leap, the rest isn't downhill. The first isn't the best unless it's also (God forbid) the last.
* I am going to be very bad at sex the first time. Everyone is. If the person I am doing it with cares about me as much as she should, she'll be patient enough to let me make mistakes at first.
* No amount of printed or visual material, including roleplay, will possibly be able to show me what it feels like to be connected with someone on that level. No song, movie, book, roleplay, image, or porn video accurately portrays it well enough for me to understand. It is a different, unique, special experience for each person, so there is no way someone can encapsulate that for someone else.
* A woman doesn't have to be a virgin to be pure and beautiful. Innocence and purity are valid traits, yes, but sex itself doesn't make someone inherently flawed. No, there's a level of maturity, experience gained, along with an element of trust.
* Whomever I wind up with is going to care about me enough to understand what I have done in the past. If I am with a girl who says that I pawed off too much, then I am with the wrong girl. I will act differently in a relationship compared to outside one. Any actions I have taken thus far have been learning experiences, and I have not already ruined my future relationships by doing something now.
* Beauty and sexiness are two very very different things. Just because someone may look sexy, just because someone may cause obvious feelings of arousal, does not mean I want to have sex with them, not at all. There needs to be romance involved, and a level of internal intimacy and beauty before I can even consider that.
* It is not wrong to consider someone physically attractive. It is wrong to only consider someone's physical appearance, but it can be just as wrong to only focus on their emotional state. Women actually like being called sexy.
* As much value as I place on my virginity currently, eventually I will be in the position that deep physical intimacy with my partner will be more important than my virginity. This is the point where I will finally be ready.
* Sex will not likely change my life for the worse. It will likely have a much smaller impact than I am expecting, and it certainly will not destroy my life completely, provided I take the proper precautions. If anything, it will improve my outlook on life, and encourage me further.
That's ... probably not all of them. At least, mew, it's what I remember at this moment. I'm curious what everyone's thoughts on this are.
So, in the process of trying to decipher this mystery, I've found several important things that I either didn't know or disagreed with, which wound up being pretty danged important for me on my path to "recovery". I figured I'd share them, because they helped me develop into a person who is now not nearly as scared.
* Sex is a beautiful thing when shared between two people who love each other, respect each other, and care about each other. Just because it's bad when it's something like rape or abuse, doesn't mean it's bad when done properly.
* Women want sex. Sex is not something that a man forces on a woman, not something that only the man enjoys. Women want sex as much as, if not more than, men, and in certain ways it feels better to them. Furthermore, women like being told that they are physically attractive.
* Abstinence-only education is seriously flawed, if not outright wrong. What I was taught was pretty much "sex is a horrible, scary, dangerous thing ... so save it for the one person you love most dearly." Apparently people tend to ignore the first part of this, but in my case, it lead me to the point of "I never want to do that even to someone I love" ... in short, it BROKE me. I, even as a solid Christian, will not be teaching this to my kittens. That is how major this point is.
* I may not be ready for sex right now, but that's okay. I will be ready when I need to be.
* Physical romance is a long path with many stepping stones. A simple kiss doesn't lead to outright sex unless both parties push it that way. Just because I may not want sex, doesn't mean that I can't still cuddle or be physically close.
* The first time I have sex, while yes is supposed to be extremely special, and needs to be with someone who truly means everything to me, is not the end. Sex is something that actually improves with practice, and while that first moment is a major leap, the rest isn't downhill. The first isn't the best unless it's also (God forbid) the last.
* I am going to be very bad at sex the first time. Everyone is. If the person I am doing it with cares about me as much as she should, she'll be patient enough to let me make mistakes at first.
* No amount of printed or visual material, including roleplay, will possibly be able to show me what it feels like to be connected with someone on that level. No song, movie, book, roleplay, image, or porn video accurately portrays it well enough for me to understand. It is a different, unique, special experience for each person, so there is no way someone can encapsulate that for someone else.
* A woman doesn't have to be a virgin to be pure and beautiful. Innocence and purity are valid traits, yes, but sex itself doesn't make someone inherently flawed. No, there's a level of maturity, experience gained, along with an element of trust.
* Whomever I wind up with is going to care about me enough to understand what I have done in the past. If I am with a girl who says that I pawed off too much, then I am with the wrong girl. I will act differently in a relationship compared to outside one. Any actions I have taken thus far have been learning experiences, and I have not already ruined my future relationships by doing something now.
* Beauty and sexiness are two very very different things. Just because someone may look sexy, just because someone may cause obvious feelings of arousal, does not mean I want to have sex with them, not at all. There needs to be romance involved, and a level of internal intimacy and beauty before I can even consider that.
* It is not wrong to consider someone physically attractive. It is wrong to only consider someone's physical appearance, but it can be just as wrong to only focus on their emotional state. Women actually like being called sexy.
* As much value as I place on my virginity currently, eventually I will be in the position that deep physical intimacy with my partner will be more important than my virginity. This is the point where I will finally be ready.
* Sex will not likely change my life for the worse. It will likely have a much smaller impact than I am expecting, and it certainly will not destroy my life completely, provided I take the proper precautions. If anything, it will improve my outlook on life, and encourage me further.
That's ... probably not all of them. At least, mew, it's what I remember at this moment. I'm curious what everyone's thoughts on this are.
You can do just fine without it
Why are you making such a big deal out of it