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With Much Sorrow
18 years ago
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Eternal Undeath called me yesterday and through many tears we both agreed that its best we just be friends. He feels he cannot always be there for me and because of that it will end in pain. I think he's scared of my wild spirit and the fact that the part of me he loves (shadow) is already dead.
I don't wanna let him go. It hurts so much that God only knows how much I cried and how I go on. He basically begged me to leave him and forget him. I just ache inside with the knowledge that no one really wants to stay with me. I fade back into the shadows once more. This is my home, this is where I belong. Not in the light with everyone else.
I belong alone and I guess no one can change that.
Now that I think about it Eternal Undeath was just like Kyle. He got scared the moment he actually started falling in love. He couldn't handle me, couldn't hold me. For some reason I am too wild to love. Both of them didn't want a long distance relationship.
The only difference is Eternal Undeath is still my friend at heart. Even though he says it would be better if I just forgot him. Unlike Kyle he didn't break off all contact. Still it hurts I miss him.
I think the reason I still hang on to this life is I never found what I truly wanted. I wanted a lover that could tame me without being controlling and painful. All my lovers have caused pain. To me love is pain. Kakani is trying to teach me that there is love without pain. So far we have failed to find any match for my personality.
I am frozen again and Kakani will have to start all over. It hurts to know no one wants me. I make them all scared and depressed. I am a Shadow and nothing more. If anyone thinks they can change my mind they are welcome to try.
I don't wanna let him go. It hurts so much that God only knows how much I cried and how I go on. He basically begged me to leave him and forget him. I just ache inside with the knowledge that no one really wants to stay with me. I fade back into the shadows once more. This is my home, this is where I belong. Not in the light with everyone else.
I belong alone and I guess no one can change that.
Now that I think about it Eternal Undeath was just like Kyle. He got scared the moment he actually started falling in love. He couldn't handle me, couldn't hold me. For some reason I am too wild to love. Both of them didn't want a long distance relationship.
The only difference is Eternal Undeath is still my friend at heart. Even though he says it would be better if I just forgot him. Unlike Kyle he didn't break off all contact. Still it hurts I miss him.
I think the reason I still hang on to this life is I never found what I truly wanted. I wanted a lover that could tame me without being controlling and painful. All my lovers have caused pain. To me love is pain. Kakani is trying to teach me that there is love without pain. So far we have failed to find any match for my personality.
I am frozen again and Kakani will have to start all over. It hurts to know no one wants me. I make them all scared and depressed. I am a Shadow and nothing more. If anyone thinks they can change my mind they are welcome to try.
I was not, am not afraid, and I want you more than I want the very food I sustain myself on. I have not eaten since we 'parted', my hunger for you blotting out the weaker hunger of my flesh.
But I do know. I know that only pain could come of this and so I was forced against my will to end it. Forced by my better judgement to do that which my entire being has cried out against.
That is why we're still friends.
As it is, however, time and space themselves conspire against us, and for once I find myself powerless.
But I can still be your friend here.
You think too much, you know that?
See? This is nice, and we don't need to be mates to do it.