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Self Esteem and Insecurity.
15 years ago
General
Yeah, this is probably going to be a pile of drivel so move along if you don't want to read it.
Last night, for whatever reason, I started dwelling on the fact that I'm terribly insecure. Not about everything and not in the normal "I care what EVERYONE thinks of me" though.
In truth I couldn't give an atom what most people think of me, only the people I love. They're the ones I just want approval from, the ones I want to be proud of me and make happy.
Because of that fact, even small jokes at my expense cut like millions of tiny daggers. Teasing about this, that, or the other thing I try to do makes me just want to go away and hide. It's to a point where I'm basically afraid to do things because of what may be said, even as a joke.
I guess last night the scope of it just hit me. I love to sing, love to make music, love to do a lot of things but I just can't do it around friends or family because I fear the snide remarks and teasing that always seems to result.
It's even starting to affect other aspects. I feel more need to be recognized at work, to not be treated as though my ideas and concerns are inadequate, if only to feel as though I'm at least doing SOMETHING right in my life.
It just seems lately like nothing I do is quite good enough for anyone, least of all the ones I need so desperately to tell me it is.
Hopefully this too shall pass and I won't feel quite so sensitive about it. Eventually I suppose.
Last night, for whatever reason, I started dwelling on the fact that I'm terribly insecure. Not about everything and not in the normal "I care what EVERYONE thinks of me" though.
In truth I couldn't give an atom what most people think of me, only the people I love. They're the ones I just want approval from, the ones I want to be proud of me and make happy.
Because of that fact, even small jokes at my expense cut like millions of tiny daggers. Teasing about this, that, or the other thing I try to do makes me just want to go away and hide. It's to a point where I'm basically afraid to do things because of what may be said, even as a joke.
I guess last night the scope of it just hit me. I love to sing, love to make music, love to do a lot of things but I just can't do it around friends or family because I fear the snide remarks and teasing that always seems to result.
It's even starting to affect other aspects. I feel more need to be recognized at work, to not be treated as though my ideas and concerns are inadequate, if only to feel as though I'm at least doing SOMETHING right in my life.
It just seems lately like nothing I do is quite good enough for anyone, least of all the ones I need so desperately to tell me it is.
Hopefully this too shall pass and I won't feel quite so sensitive about it. Eventually I suppose.
*hugs*