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Old Journal Resurrection: an apology for my own self-bashing
15 years ago
General
I just felt compelled to repost this here. Even though I quelled down the nihilist attitude I was saddled with, it is still a problem. So I reposted this old deviantart journal from two years ago because I am lazy..
[i]
Well.
I want to apologize for what I say about myself and my work. It's basically everywhere and I just want to say that I am sorry about it.
It's a distance maker, and truthfully, i didn't think that playing down one self would be as destructive as puffing one self up as with some of these guys do out here.
I could make the excuse that the bashing is because of my briggs-meyer type (INTP) but it would be fairly inaccurate and really shallow. It is actually a product of what life has thrown at me from directly in my immediate family, and the early stages of life.
You see I had this distrust of people's words ever since I was a kid. Spawned from a lot of broken promises that my father had made. Once I made my mother cry because I had lied to her when I was 12 ... that made me as honest as I can be today. That's the reason I go self criticizing my own work on most compliments. The distrust of what people say cause, if you cannot trust your father when he says something, how much faith can be put on the word of a stranger?
The mood will most likely change if I had found out that it is the truth, or if I know that the sayer does tell the truth.
Like for example, if some random person says "You deserve a DD!" and it actually happens, then i would believe a lot more of what is typed. "Believe it when I see it" ... pretty much is my response to a lot of things.
Also, I used to be the opposite of what I am. I mean I used to be like my brother is now (happy birthday, mister man). Pretty arrogant. A lot of what I learned after I was 10 has really kept me not only on the ground, but somewhat underground as far as ego is concerned. During the time, I realized that I have to be the biggest pusher of myself cause, really no one is going to do it for me.
Hopefully I have explained myself that you have some sort of understanding of who I am on the inside, and what I have gone through to be part of the person that I am.
I'll be sure to answer any questions to the best of my ability... even personal ones.
[i]
Well.
I want to apologize for what I say about myself and my work. It's basically everywhere and I just want to say that I am sorry about it.
It's a distance maker, and truthfully, i didn't think that playing down one self would be as destructive as puffing one self up as with some of these guys do out here.
I could make the excuse that the bashing is because of my briggs-meyer type (INTP) but it would be fairly inaccurate and really shallow. It is actually a product of what life has thrown at me from directly in my immediate family, and the early stages of life.
You see I had this distrust of people's words ever since I was a kid. Spawned from a lot of broken promises that my father had made. Once I made my mother cry because I had lied to her when I was 12 ... that made me as honest as I can be today. That's the reason I go self criticizing my own work on most compliments. The distrust of what people say cause, if you cannot trust your father when he says something, how much faith can be put on the word of a stranger?
The mood will most likely change if I had found out that it is the truth, or if I know that the sayer does tell the truth.
Like for example, if some random person says "You deserve a DD!" and it actually happens, then i would believe a lot more of what is typed. "Believe it when I see it" ... pretty much is my response to a lot of things.
Also, I used to be the opposite of what I am. I mean I used to be like my brother is now (happy birthday, mister man). Pretty arrogant. A lot of what I learned after I was 10 has really kept me not only on the ground, but somewhat underground as far as ego is concerned. During the time, I realized that I have to be the biggest pusher of myself cause, really no one is going to do it for me.
Hopefully I have explained myself that you have some sort of understanding of who I am on the inside, and what I have gone through to be part of the person that I am.
I'll be sure to answer any questions to the best of my ability... even personal ones.
Identities are anonymous and Words feel empty and it's sometimes hard to to tell whether someone is serious or not or determine the impact of their words on other people.
Well, the Silver Rule is extremely precious on the Internet.
That gives me a bit more understanding. I think you could self-compliment your own work and not seem arrogant if you really like the way a piece comes out. There's so much difference between 'I'm proud of this' and 'Look how awesome this is, guys!'.
It always did concern me how much you put yourself and your artwork down, and I'm really happy you're trying to correct that. You've been one of my artistic inspirations for a long time now.
I don't think of myself as inspiring anyone, especially to and within the tough place that is the art world. I just look at myself as a joe average here and at most other places.
Joe Average isn't a bad place to be. Alot of the 'elevated' artists are pestered beyond belief, and can't get a moment's rest, or so full of themselves they're beyond approach. Then you have the people whose artwork is irredeemably sub-par but consider themselves celebrities. Both levels on the axis are usually rife with drama and unhappiness. Joe Average is a nice place to settle into. I still think you're amazing though.